How the Other Half Lives

I have a co-worker with my would have been due-date. This woman is perfectly nice, but a (large) part of me hates her guts. Why was she the chosen one? This woman already has 2 children, and she gleefully tells everyone that this one was an accident. HA! I can't even imagine an accident.

She also told everyone at work at about 6 weeks, right when she found out! What must that kind of confidence feel like? I regret even telling my mother. I never want to un-tell anyone ever again! Does she not know that things can go wrong? Can she be that innocent?

When I brought MH home from the hospital there was a family loading a brand-new baby girl into their car, and I lost it...in front of God and everybody. What if I never get to put a baby into the car? What then?

Forced Break

We did an IUI. It didn't work. MH had back surgery. He can't participate in any strenous activity for 3 months. No more baby making until mid-April the beginning of May. Pretty much this just sucks.

DSM-IV

I have a new one for the DSM-IV: Infertility Induced Manic-Depressive Disorder. OK, I really hate the phrase 'emotional roller coaster' it so something 'that girl' would say! I've decided to use IIMDD instead...much more clinical!

Usually, IIMDD begins with CD (cycle day)1, this is the first day of your period, by this time you have accepted you're not pregnant and have cried it out. On CD1 you call your RE and set up an appointment for a clearing ultrasound, this is to check for cysts may have developed after using meds the previous month. This ultrasound seals your fate for the cycle, having cysts means you are out of the game until next month. You feel pretty good CD1, ready to go, you just KNOW this is you month...then you wake up on CD2 and are worried sick about having cysts...CRAP where are the good feelings from yesterday? CD3 you've had your ultrasound. If you have cysts you sob all the way home or to work (and probably alternate between tears and outrage for the rest of the day). If you are lucky enough to be cyst free you feel GREAT, it is like being high, you are invincible. You cavalierly pick out baby bedding, pick colors for the nursery, review your baby names, buy OPKs and pregnancy tests with abandon, imagine not needing tampons for the next 9 months (sigh). Then around CD4 or 5 you crash. The doubt creeps in, what if you don't ovulate, what if your trigger shot doesn't work, what if your follicles shrink, what if your husband can't perform on the day of IUI, what if his sperm have all mysteriously died, what if... The cycle continues on and on. Highs you think will never end, and the lows that you think you will never climb out of. It makes you feel really and truly crazy.

I am in the throes of IIMDD right now. I've had my magical CD3 ultrasound-all clear...we are a go!!! I was so freaking happy. We have a plan and a little calendar mapping out medicine and my cycle. I took my first Femara pill. My trigger shot and Prometrium suppositories will be here Friday. Then I woke up on CD4 terrified and depressed. Why should this work? There is only a 20-30% chance it will be successful. What if my follicles don't grow before it is time for MH's back surgery? If they don't all of this is for naught. They need to be 19 or 20 mm by Saturday January, 12 to have a chance at IUI. I am only taking 2.5mg; the success stories I have read have all taken 5mg or more. Why is my RE starting me on so little? I hate this, but I'm sure that any day now I will be super optimistic again.

So, I cried myself to sleep last night. I just want to be pregnant. I can't even look at pictures of myself without categorizing them as 'Before we knew there was a problem' and the 'After' pictures. There's one on my desk at work where I look so happy and carefree. That girl is dead. She'll never be back.

The loss of innocence is so complete. I am a woman now. I got pregnant and lost a child. A child that nobody, but me even misses. I am expected to be fine, but I'm not. I'm angry. I want to hurt somebody. I want to make them feel something close to what I feel everyday. I had been feeling very at peace, but I think as the time comes closer for me to POAS again (Monday) I am feeling everything like it is fresh.

I had the stupid, vivid dreams last night where I am telling MH that I am pregnant, where I get to see a positive test and feel that excitement and promise again. I hate waking up...

Thermodynamics and Infertility

Admittedly, I know next to nothing about thermodynamics, but I remember learning the laws that govern them go something like this: 1. You can't win 2. You can't break even 3. You can't get out of the game.

I am back in the game...

Cold Comfort

I really want to to give up right now. I feel like I'm never going to have a child, maybe I'm not meant to be a mother. I just celebrated my 27th birthday. Another year has gone by without a baby. This year I thought I was going to be pregnant on my birthday instead I had a steak and a glass of wine, what a consolation...

I try to count my blessings. I know I am young, have low FSH, have a normal uterus, and both my tubes, but having a miscarriage is a terrible double-edged sword. You can get pregnant, but what if there is something else wrong that makes staying pregnant impossible.

I'm terrified right now. Terrified of starting over and trying again, and equally scared that I might give up. I don't feel strong enough to keep doing this. How do you keep the faith? I want to be positive, but I'm having a hard time. Now, when I see babies I don't think 'someday,' I think 'never, not me.' It's sad. I hate feeling this way. I need to feel hopeful again, but I can't.

Little Ben

I've written this post over and over again in my head. I got pregnant, my HcG numbers even doubled. I thought I was safe. Then I started spotting, and my pregnancy hormone numbers plummeted. Ben, my poor little embryo was gone. This Hell was supposed to be over. I had the perfect cycle right down to the pregnancy, and now it is all gone. I loved that little ball of cells from the second I found out. I thought I was tough enough and cynical enough to avoid the excitement, and falling in love with that fragile embryo. Not by a long shot...

When I tested and it was negative at 13dpo I thought "OK, next cycle." I was sad, but I had begun to get over it. Then my period never showed so I tested, and it was positive. I couldn't believe it. I thought it was the mircale I had been praying for for so long. I thought I was done with infertility. How could I have been so foolish to believe that I could be so lucky? I guess struggling with why God let me get pregnant in the first place, only to take it away? I guess though I am no different than anyone else, being infertile doesn't grant you an automatic safe and healthy pregnancy pass.

Now, my worry has taken on a whole new dimension. Now, instead of just what if I can't get pregnant; it's become what if I keep getting pregnant and having miscarriages. What if I am an habitual aborter, and really could they not have thought of a better name?! It sucks that to even get the tests I would have to go through this two more times.

Also, MH is having surgery to fuse part of his spine sometime in January. This means that any baby making is on hold until April or May. This is probably the hardest part. I hate wasting time. I hate that a large part of me wants MH to just 'suck it up' until we get pregnant and then have his surgery. I hate that I am going to be angry with him for the next 3 or 4 months.

OK, silver lining moment:

1. I can get pregnant!
2. I got to see a positive pregnancy test.
3. My baby won't suffer; the most common cause of miscarriage is chromosomal abnormalities that are incredibly severe.