When you see an RE, and get pregnant it is standard to have betas run. A beta is simply a blood test that measures the amount of pregnancy hormone (HCG). Betas are good indicators of the viability of your pregnancy, and are something that newly pregnant infertiles spend hours (literally) comparing and analyzing. There is a great website called betabase.info that collects numbers so you can easily compare.
Well, I had my first beta drawn on Monday (15dpo) and it was 235!!! WOO-HOO! That is a great number, on betabase the median beta for 15dpo was 136 for a singleton and 263 for twins so I'm doing great. In contrast with my first pregnancy at 16dpo my beta was only 51. All in all, my newest beta warmed the cold, steel cockles of my heart.
Then about two hours later I realized that the more accurate indicator of viability would be this morning's beta. It is a CRUEL world. You see most REs like to see your beta double in 48-72 hours. My RE only likes for it to go up 60%, but I've never really heard of an RE doing this so I'm really only going to be happy if I see it double. So basically I am back in beta Hell again until I get my results tomorrow around lunchtime. UGG! Only 26.5 hours give or take to go!
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Retroactive Post V: 4w1d Scared and Excited
I had my first blood draw today. I hope my numbers are nice and high. I won't find out until tomorrow. The number on Wednesday is even more important. My RE likes to see it go up by 60%. The number should double in 48-72 hours so it's going to be a long, tense wait in our house.
The fear began to set in this morning. I've run to the bathroom and checked my underwear for blood about 25 times today. I'm trying so hard not to give in to this fear and let it consume me. I'm trying to enjoy every second that I am pregnant. I don't feel as connected with this baby/embryo whatever you want to call it. I still feel like this isn't even happening. Don't get me wrong I sometimes have flashes where I let myself daydream. I've daydreamed about telling my mom. I can't wait to tell her. I can't wait to tell my grandma; she will be so tickled...this will be her first great-grandchild. See, I can be positive! I want this so badly.
The fear began to set in this morning. I've run to the bathroom and checked my underwear for blood about 25 times today. I'm trying so hard not to give in to this fear and let it consume me. I'm trying to enjoy every second that I am pregnant. I don't feel as connected with this baby/embryo whatever you want to call it. I still feel like this isn't even happening. Don't get me wrong I sometimes have flashes where I let myself daydream. I've daydreamed about telling my mom. I can't wait to tell her. I can't wait to tell my grandma; she will be so tickled...this will be her first great-grandchild. See, I can be positive! I want this so badly.
Retroactive Post IV: 12dpiui or January 25, 2008
I woke up feeling nervous this morning so I had to (yes, really had to) POAS again. It was of course still positive and darker than yesterday's. In general I'm feeling much more positive about this pregnancy. I think because I got such an early BFP (big f'ing positive), and because Femara tends to make better quality eggs versus Clomid. I read an article that studied 200 women, and 100% of the women who had later implantation (after 12dpo) subsequently had a miscarriage. I'm hoping that the problem last time was only late implantation.
I still have that niggling worry in the back of my head, though. I will never again be completely innocent. I'm very worried about this being a healthy pregnancy, but I think at some level I am still in denial about actually being pregnant which seems to dull the worry a bit.
I have my first beta blood work on Monday. I'm just a little nervous about it. I hope that the number is nice and high, but the next beta is on Wednesday. I'm more worried about Wednesday's because it is critical to determining viability. The numbers should double in 48-72 hrs. Of course, we had perfect doubling last time so I am really hoping to make it until Feb. 6th that will be a milestone. Then I want to make it to the first u/s, and have a healthy heartbeat. So it looks like I will continue to wait and wait.
I still have that niggling worry in the back of my head, though. I will never again be completely innocent. I'm very worried about this being a healthy pregnancy, but I think at some level I am still in denial about actually being pregnant which seems to dull the worry a bit.
I have my first beta blood work on Monday. I'm just a little nervous about it. I hope that the number is nice and high, but the next beta is on Wednesday. I'm more worried about Wednesday's because it is critical to determining viability. The numbers should double in 48-72 hrs. Of course, we had perfect doubling last time so I am really hoping to make it until Feb. 6th that will be a milestone. Then I want to make it to the first u/s, and have a healthy heartbeat. So it looks like I will continue to wait and wait.
Retroactive Post III: Faith
Infertility really brought me back to God. Say what you will, but I needed Him to get me through this. I knew nothing else would really help. I didn't know and still don't know what God's plan is for me, but I knew that if I couldn't have bio children that I would need something to lean on. I don't know if it's hypocritical to turn to God only when something bad happens, but I hope not. Anyway...I have this bible that has a reading for everyday of the year. The week of our IUI my passages were all about Sarah, perhaps the most famous infertile of all! She said something to the effect of "God gave me laughter" when speaking of becoming pregnant at long last. I think she was speaking of the irony of having a child so late in life, and overcoming infertility even thought no one really believed she would. This is what I began praying for...laughter. I wanted to laugh at my situation, laugh in infertility's face, and hear the laughter of my child.
This baby is a miracle. Despite the drugs, the doctors, and the IUI this baby's only creator is God. I will never stop thanking Him for blessing me again.
This baby is a miracle. Despite the drugs, the doctors, and the IUI this baby's only creator is God. I will never stop thanking Him for blessing me again.
Retroactive Post II: January 24, 2008 or 11dpiui
I was feeling so negative about this whole thing by 10dpiui. All I could think about was the RE telling us before the IUI that there was only a 15-20% chance of this being successful. Those are not good odds...plus I really only had one big follicle. I was so discouraged. I actually emailed Dewy at 10dpiui, and told her I just wanted my period to start already, that I was done with this, fed up, and hopeless. Of course, she gave me a wonderful pep talk, and brought me in from the ledge. I was so so tired when I got home from work that night I fell asleep at around 7:30, very unusual even for Grandma Frump!
Well, when I woke up 12 hrs later I decided what the heck I'll test. The stick looked like something might be developing, but I couldn't really tell so I went to get ready for work and talk myself out of any excitement. When I came back to the bedroom (I like to keep them on the nightstand because I lay in bed and stare at them, even the negative ones at night before bed) to get dressed there was a second pink line!!!!!!!! I was shocked and amazed beyond belief. I took the test and woke the ever-suffering husband up, and yet again shoved a pee stick in his face. He saw the line too. We're expecting again!!!
Well, when I woke up 12 hrs later I decided what the heck I'll test. The stick looked like something might be developing, but I couldn't really tell so I went to get ready for work and talk myself out of any excitement. When I came back to the bedroom (I like to keep them on the nightstand because I lay in bed and stare at them, even the negative ones at night before bed) to get dressed there was a second pink line!!!!!!!! I was shocked and amazed beyond belief. I took the test and woke the ever-suffering husband up, and yet again shoved a pee stick in his face. He saw the line too. We're expecting again!!!
Retroactive Post I: Back story and Apology
OK, I totally L-I-E-D about the IUI not working, and I'm incredibly sorry. I hope you can forgive me and understand why I did. Since most of my fair readers are, I think, friends and family we (cough, cough MH) didn't want to come out of the closet. MH is afraid of another miscarriage and having to untell people. Since he is my baby-daddy clearly, I must acquiesce to this, but I'm writing all of these posts in real time.
I began taking Femara, a breast cancer drug that also induces ovulation, in the beginning of January. Then on CD3, I had to go in for an ultrasound to make sure I was cyst-free, and obviously, I was. Then they ordered my drugs from a mail-order pharmacy. I got a trigger shot which is HCG that begins the process of ovualtion and lovely vaginal progesterone suppositories. On CD11, I went in for another ultrasound to check for follicle growth. My RE likes to see follicles that are 19-20mm before you can give yourself the trigger shot. I had a 16 and an 11.5. I was soooo bummed. We were on a very tight timeline before MH's surgery. So the nurse wanted me to use OPKs to detect a surge and then call back to schedule IUI. On CD13, I thought my OPK was positive so I called the office they told me to give the trigger shot and come in the next morning for the IUI. I was terrified of the shot. You have to mix it yourself...scary! I got it mixed and tapped all the air out; I was so paranoid about killing myself with an air bubble. Then I stuck myself in the stomach. It was nothing; I mean I didn't even feel it! Unfortunately, HCG causes a huge burning welt under your skin that feels like thousands of fire ants under you skin stinging you for nearly a week.IUI day was also a breeze. I was so nervous. I had all these fears that somehow MH's count would come back at zero, or that he would get performance anxiety. Of course, none of this happened his count was wonderful. My RE wasn't there since it was Sunday, but the RE on-call was so nice. They insert a catheter into your uterus, and put the washed sperm in then BAM it's over.
The waiting begins. Everything about getting pregnant involves waiting. It's too bad patience isn't one of my virtues. MH's back surgery did serve as a nice distraction. He's fine, and scooting around with his little walker. I think the recovery period is going to be about three months.
I began taking Femara, a breast cancer drug that also induces ovulation, in the beginning of January. Then on CD3, I had to go in for an ultrasound to make sure I was cyst-free, and obviously, I was. Then they ordered my drugs from a mail-order pharmacy. I got a trigger shot which is HCG that begins the process of ovualtion and lovely vaginal progesterone suppositories. On CD11, I went in for another ultrasound to check for follicle growth. My RE likes to see follicles that are 19-20mm before you can give yourself the trigger shot. I had a 16 and an 11.5. I was soooo bummed. We were on a very tight timeline before MH's surgery. So the nurse wanted me to use OPKs to detect a surge and then call back to schedule IUI. On CD13, I thought my OPK was positive so I called the office they told me to give the trigger shot and come in the next morning for the IUI. I was terrified of the shot. You have to mix it yourself...scary! I got it mixed and tapped all the air out; I was so paranoid about killing myself with an air bubble. Then I stuck myself in the stomach. It was nothing; I mean I didn't even feel it! Unfortunately, HCG causes a huge burning welt under your skin that feels like thousands of fire ants under you skin stinging you for nearly a week.IUI day was also a breeze. I was so nervous. I had all these fears that somehow MH's count would come back at zero, or that he would get performance anxiety. Of course, none of this happened his count was wonderful. My RE wasn't there since it was Sunday, but the RE on-call was so nice. They insert a catheter into your uterus, and put the washed sperm in then BAM it's over.
The waiting begins. Everything about getting pregnant involves waiting. It's too bad patience isn't one of my virtues. MH's back surgery did serve as a nice distraction. He's fine, and scooting around with his little walker. I think the recovery period is going to be about three months.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Dewey's Knocked Up!!!
My dear comrade in arms is having a baby! She's 13 weeks, I think 14 on Friday! YAY! They had a great first trimester ultrasound, and everything looks good with le bebe!
I admit that it was very hard to hear she was pregnant so soon after my miscarriage. I know that my situation scared her. Neither of us ever imagined that someone with fertility issues could also be unlucky enough to suffer a miscarriage too obviously, we were wrong. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt. (You would think it would be the other way around!) I felt like I was raining on her parade and taking the joy out of one of the happiest times in her life. I was afraid that she wouldn't want to be my friend anymore because I was such a Debbie Downer. Fortunately, for me Dewey is made of tougher stuff than that!!!
I guess my whole point besides a hearty CONGRATULATIONS to Dewey and her husband, would be that there is no guidebook for this kind of stuff, but life does go on and there are success stories! Keep the faith!
I admit that it was very hard to hear she was pregnant so soon after my miscarriage. I know that my situation scared her. Neither of us ever imagined that someone with fertility issues could also be unlucky enough to suffer a miscarriage too obviously, we were wrong. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt. (You would think it would be the other way around!) I felt like I was raining on her parade and taking the joy out of one of the happiest times in her life. I was afraid that she wouldn't want to be my friend anymore because I was such a Debbie Downer. Fortunately, for me Dewey is made of tougher stuff than that!!!
I guess my whole point besides a hearty CONGRATULATIONS to Dewey and her husband, would be that there is no guidebook for this kind of stuff, but life does go on and there are success stories! Keep the faith!
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