Addict

Why can't I control myself? Why do I have to pee on every stick I have in the house? I know that 9dpo (days past ovulation) is waaaaay too early, I know that 10dpo is still very early, yet I pee and pray. Now I am feeling discouraged and angry at myself. No good can come from POAS early, unless of course you are in fact pregnant. I suppose that is the crux of the whole dang problem.

After seeing the stark white test this morning I began to make myself the same old promises; "I won't POAS until 14dpo, I won't, I really won't.' Who am I kidding? I know I'll hit the Dollar Tree this afternoon and restock. This way I don't feel guilty about wasting money on the negative pee sticks. I even visited peeonastick.com this morning to see which brands detected the lowest amount of hcG. I found one that detected 12.5mL lab studies; that's probably half the amount in other brands, but their official position is still 25mL so I'm not sure that I can justify it.

Until, tomorrow or maybe not. I'm really, really, really going to try not to test until Saturday!!! I Promise!!!

It's "O" fficial!

See I'm punny like that! Ok enough, enough! My body lurves the Clomid! I had my bloodwork done on 3dpo (days past ovulation). At 7dpo they like to see your progesterone at 15 or above for a medicated cycle, although anything over 5 indicates ovulatory activity. Mine was 16.9!!!! So I am already ahead of the game for once in my life. My 3 biggest follicles were 17 mm, 20 mm, and 21 mm my gyno considers anything 16 to be mature. She said it was 'absolutely perfect' ovulation. Ahhh, like Mark Twain I could live for weeks on that compliment.

I feel so good right now, and I'm going to enjoy it this weekend.

Frustration!

OK, so I had my ultrasound and blood work done today. The blood draw was fine, but when I mentioned the ultrasound the nurse says she doesn't see a note about it, and the ultrasound lady is only there Mondays and Wednesdays. Finally, they track down my doctor...who says that yes I do in fact need an ultrasound. She did look at my chart and said it looked "great." I was pleased with that...it seemed encouraging. Well, they get me squeezed in at the hospital for my ultrasound. The tech of course can't tell me anything beyond I have big follicles on my left ovary. Great, thanks. Also, my blood work won't be back until Monday.

I'm not having a good feeling about gyno's office. My Dr. seems competent, but her staff is effin' useless. I'm sorry I don't need to get crap from the receptionist at my my freaking gyno's office. I don't need dirty looks because YOU screwed up and didn't schedule my ultrasound!!!! I'm sorry that I called to clarify that I don't progesterone suppositories because I LOVE LOVE LOVE sticking weird gooey capsules up my va-jay-jay! I'm sorry that my infertility is disturbing you watching Dr. Phil on the waiting room TV.

All this makes me want to go back to RE's office. At least the nurses freaking know what PCOS is. (Oh yeah, my nurse today couldn't understand what a cyst was, and why I needed an ultrasound.) But, I would have to go back to gyno eventually, and frankly I've never had a good doctor's office before so why should this be any different!? Why do doctor's hire the rudest people they can possibly find? All the office people sound so freaking put out when you call. It drives me bonkers. I'm sorry it's your effin' JOB to answer the phones. If you don't like it quit. I know my therapist would say that I need to let this go, and 'not give her the power.' UGH! Ok, I'm going to let it go....

I just want this to work, and I want to feel like the people in charge of making it happen are doing their jobs. MH and I can't make this baby by ourselves.

UPDATE: Dr. just called I have 3 or 4 good follicles. She can't tell if I ovulated without the blood work which will be back before lunch tomorrow! YAY! So far so good...

In the Two Week Wait (hopefully!)

The two week wait (2ww) is the dreaded two weeks between ovulation and your period. It spooks the fertiles and the infertiles alike, not does it matter if you're hoping to see your period or praying for her to miss your house.

My temp rose this morning into ovulation range, and I had a +OPK so I feel sort of, kind of hopeful that this was the month, of course I could have been hot this morning and tomorrow my temp could plummet. I also have my appointment with my gyno tomorrow. So that should provide concrete news either way. They'll do an ultrasound and some blood work, so keep your fingers crossed and say some prayers.

Of course I am going to use this time to analyze every twinge and symptom. Nausea is not the met...I'm PG. I'm tired because I'm PG...not because I stayed up too late watching Law and Order. I have to pee because I'm PG...not because I drank 4 glasses of water. I need that bag of chips, donut, fries, shake, McDonald's for the baby...DUH! That was implantation cramp not gas! I think my loved ones will want to have me committed...is there a Betty Ford for the 2ww? Maybe there should be. It would be like summer camp and a spa all in one, and you could pee on as many sticks as you wanted! Heaven!!!

That Girl...

You all know who 'that girl' is, but you swear that you'll never be her. You scoff at 'that girl' who calls her boyfriend a 100 times a night becoming a little more shrewish each time until she finally screams 'Where are youuuuuuu? Why don't you love meeeeeee?' into his voicemail at three o'clock in the morning. You roll your eyes at 'that girl' who dismisses every sign he's just not that into her...'It's only been 4, 057 hours and 11 minutes, he'll call! We had a connection!" You laugh out loud when you hear 'that girl' say, 'make love, soul mate, my heart hurts, he's the one, or he promised not to do that ever again because he loves me.' Then something shifts, you've been arrogant for too long, you thought you were impervious... you've become 'that girl.'
It probably starts off innocently...you're excited, but then you can't stop. Things fly out of your mouth...you hear yourself say things like 'cosmic and true love' in the same sentence. You vow to stop, but you're too far gone...

Well, I have become 'that girl.' I am long past finding 'true love.' Hopefully, I have found my 'soul mate' (ick I can't even type that with a straight face) since I am doing these GD fertility treatments. I think I am probably the foulest of all varieties of 'that girlness' that BABY girl!

When I was planning my wedding I found this website called The Knot. It had helpful hints, a good planning checklist, and message boards where you could post questions to people who honestly cared if your napkins where the right shade to match the tablecloths and how to word your invitations. Your friends love you, but they don't care...seriously they don't and it's OK! Anyway this site gave way to The Nest. On The Nest you can talk about marriage, houses, having babies, and all the other things that your friends (who love you) don't want to talk about. They don't know or care if you lawn person is ripping you off! So since I have plenty of time on my hands at work I read these things. I don't really post questions, but I am a voyeur what can I say! Also, I will always be thankful because this is how I found out about reproductive endocrinologists, and I have a wonderful support system of other infertiles. I promise I am making a point. There is a board called Babies on the Brain...all of these women are 'that girl.' Examples: 'Do U like the name Kayden or Brayden? It won't hurt my feelings if U don't ;)!' or 'It's been 2 months still not PG-Freaking out!' or ' Is it gross to give my PG test to my husband to tell him we're PG?!'

So I've smirked at 'those girls' all the while feeling very superior. Now I'm just an infertile subspecies of 'that girl.' Let's see here this week alone I have broken every single rule I made for myself in discussing my 'issues.' I have talked about my cervical mucus to all my lovely friends, talked about sex with my mother, talked about my temperatures to anyone with ears, said the words 'baby making sex,' left work to have baby making sex, called the doctors 3x to discuss ovulation, looked at baby stuff online, ate a hot dog because the 'egg' needed it and said this out loud to MH, bought a hokey gift to tell MH when we get PG, peed on multiple sticks to make sure I was ovulating (yes, just ovulating not PG), and I committed what in my mind are the cardinal sins --I shoved my pee sticks in MH's face and then took pictures of them (these were only ovulation tests not PG tests)!!!!!

So what's a girl to do....

PS I did not post the pics on this blog though so HA maybe I'm not really 'that girl'!

The Gateway Drug

Well, I have officially waded into the kiddie pool! Last night I dropped some clomid. My hand was shaking as I finished my glass of water; there's no turning back. After my 'stagnant' post I called my nurse to see when I should be seen next. She told me the RE wanted to do Femara (a drug used to treat breast cancer that incidentally causes eggs to mature), a trigger shot (HCG (hormone)- derived from Chinese hamsters; that makes you release egg(s), and an IUI (interuterine insemination). I was FREAKED OUT! When we first saw RE in August she said we could try 3 rounds of clomid before moving onto IUI. Come to find out RE doesn't do any clomid cycles; to do the clomid cycles you have to see your regular gyno. So I was all a twitter and making everyone crazy trying to decide what to do!
I am unprepared (emotionally) to do an IUI. That seems so final to me, and doing it would mean accepting that we are infertile. I didn't realize that this would be so hard for me. I guess
I really need that buffer of clomid. Doing IUI just seems like a brief stop on the way to IVF-ville...the last stop on the Babytown Railway. I want the least amount of help possible. I'm not ready to conceive my baby in a doctor's office. Maybe this sounds silly to you; sometimes it sounds silly to me, but I need to do the clomid for my peace of mind.
So after much debate, and conferring with my nurse again I decided to try clomid. I called my gyno in the nick of time...I had to take the first pill on day 5 of my cycle, and I called on day 5 to get it...then waited forever for Wal-Mart to fill it! *Side note* I heart Wal-Mart. I know a lot of people hate them for numerous reasons, but you can buy clomid for $9! Fertility drugs aren't covered by my insurance, so clomid would cost me around $50 at Walgreen's, etc. I am taking clomid days 5-9, then having an ultrasound and blood work on day 21 to check for ovulation and cysts. If it's going to work I should ovulate on day 14 so we'll see (I am not hopeful that this dosage will work.)
If it doesn't work, and it may not (many women with PCOS are clomid resistant) then we will regroup. I can't say that I don't have my reservations: clomid can cause adverse effects on the uterine lining, toxic cervical mucous, hot flashes, migraines, dizziness, mood-swings AND it might not even work! I'm also afraid of getting cysts. These happen when you ovulate, but the follicle containing the egg isn't reabsorbed my the body and begins to grow. These bad-boys delay any other cycles because they can produce hormones that interfere with drugs. There is so much room for doubt with every decisions, and so much second-guessing. Overall, I'm glad I'm doing the clomid...I'll leave no stone unturned.

More about PCOS

****Not my ovary******

Polycystic ovary syndrome - PCOS In the entire field of reproduction and infertility, no topic has as many myths and misconceptions associated with it as polycystic ovary syndrome - PCOS. Even its name causes confusion. Is it PCO or polycystic ovary disease (PCOD) or polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS)? Since the name includes the word "polycystic" does that mean that all women with this problem have cysts in their ovaries?

What's in a name? Syndrome: A group of signs and symptoms that occur together and characterize a particular abnormality. Disease: A pathological condition of the body that presents a specific and consistent group of clinical signs, symptoms, and laboratory findings peculiar to it and setting the condition apart as an abnormal entity differing from other normal or pathological conditions. The problem we are talking about then is not a disease. It is a syndrome. Not all women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) will present the same way or have the same symptoms or laboratory findings. Confused? For example, take the disease cystic fibrosis. All individuals with cystic fibrosis have the same underlying problem which is a mutation in the cystic fibrosis gene. In polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), on the other hand, there isn't any one common factor that identifies all women as having polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).

What signs and symptoms can be found in women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS)?

Ovulation problems: Anovulation -No ovulation at all, Oligo-ovulation- Infrequent or irregular ovulation. Irregular menstrual cycles (results from not ovulating regularly), Amenorrhea:-Women does not get any periods at all, Oligomenorrhea- Infrequent periods, Hypermenorrhea-
Periods that occur too frequently, Menorrhagia- Heavy periods and/or those that last for many days or weeks, Metorrhagia- Bleeding or spotting that occurs in between apparently normal periods.

Insulin resistance: The body does not respond to the hormone insulin as it normally should. Insulin's primary function is to keep the levels of blood sugar under control. On laboratory tests, insulin resistance may not show up at all. If it does, it may appear in one or more of the following ways: High fasting insulin levels, Low glucose to insulin ratio, High triglyceride levels.* Insulin resistance may lead to diabetes so laboratory findings consistent with diabetes can also be found in polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).

Hyperandrogenism: Androgens are what most people think of as "male" hormones. This is incorrect. All people have androgens. Males typically have levels that are much higher than women. However, women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) have slightly elevated levels of androgens. Elevated androgen levels can result in the development of some signs and symptoms in women; Hirsutism -Unwanted hair growth. Usually on the lip, cheeks, chin, neck, in between the breasts, beneath the umbilicus(belly button), Acne, Alopecia-Male pattern hair thinning and loss. On laboratory evaluation, hyperandrogenism may not show up at all. If it does, it may be seen in high levels in one of the following tests: Total testosterone, Free testosterone, Dihydrotesterone (DHT)3, alpha glucuronide (3AG), Androstenedione, DHEAS (dehydroepiandosterone sulfate).* There are numerous other androgen levels that may be elevated but these are not usually looked at in clinical medical practice). Androgen levels can be elevated in other types of problems besides polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). These other problems should be ruled out before someone is given a diagnosis of polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). The most common of these problems is called congenital adrenal hyperplasia (CAH).

Ultrasound findings: Some women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) may have one or more of the following findings: Enlarged ovaries, Large number (>10) of tiny follicles (cysts) just under the surface of the ovaries, The center of the ovaries is echogenic (highly reflective on ultrasound), and with very few follicles seen. Women with ultrasound findings are said to have polycystic appearing ovaries (PAO). IMPORTANT:Not all women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) have polycystic appearing ovaries (PAO). Not all women with polycystic appearing ovaries (PAO) have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). In fact, many normal women with regular ovulation have polycystic appearing ovaries (PAO).

Miscellaneous laboratory findings: These laboratory findings can be found in some women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). Many women with these findings may not have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). Elevated prolactin levels, High levels of luteinizing hormone (LH), High ratio of LH:FSHHigh levels of inhibin-B, High levels of plasminogen activator inhibitor -1 (PAI-1)

Health risks associated with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS): Women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) seem to have certain health problems more frequently than you would expect in the general population. It is thought that these problems are either caused by polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) or that they have the same underlying cause as polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). These include: Hypertension, Type II Diabetes, Coronary artery disease, Endometrial cancer (cancer of the lining of the uterus) It is not specific to polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), however. Any problem which causes a woman not to ovulate is associated with a higher risk of endometrial cancer.

Pregnancy risks associated with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS): Gestational diabetes (diabetes that occurs during pregnancy), Pregnancy induced hypertension (PIH), Preeclampsia, Preterm birth Babies from PCOS mothers have a higher rate of admission to the neonatal intensive care unit, Babies from PCOS mothers have a higher rate of perinatal death. The perinatal mortality rate is the combination of two separate death rates: antenatal mortality, which is defined as the death of a fetus after the 20th week of pregnancy but before delivery, plus neonatal mortality which is the death of a baby up to 28 days after birth. Contrary to popular belief, a recent analysis has found that PCOS patients do not have a higher risk of miscarriage than non-PCOS infertility patients. ****** MY RE SAYS OTHERWISE

Treatment of polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS): There isn't one treatment for polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). The type of treatment is dependent on the symptoms that a woman has and her specific desires at that point in her life. Specific goals of treatment might include: Promotion of fertility, Desire for regular menstrual cycles, Reduction of acne, unwanted hair growth or hair loss, Reduction of other health risks associated with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).

Fertility treatment: Treatment of insulin resistance Can be accomplished by:
Weight loss Even modest amounts of weight loss have been shown in clinical studies to improve the chance for ovulation and pregnancy. IMPORTANT: There is no data that low carbohydrate diets are better for women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) than any other kind of diet. ******* MY RE SAYS OTHERWISE. Exercise, Particularly aerobic exercise increase the utilization of glucose by the muscle and reduce insulin resistance. Medication- There are several medications available by prescription that work by reduction of insulin resistance and have been shown in medical studies to increase the chance for ovulation and pregnancy, like glucophage. Alternatives to glucophage for treating insulin resistance.

Use of fertility medications: Clomiphene citrate: Women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) do not respond to clomiphene citrate with the same success as other women. This has been called clomiphene resistance. There have been many methods attempted to reduce the chance for clomiphene resistance and include: Increasing the dose of clomiphene citrate, Prolonging the duration of clomiphene administration, Adding insulin resistance medications, Adding dexamethasone, Adding naltrexone.

Aromatase inhibitors: Aromatase inhibitors such as letrozole work in a similar fashion as clomiphene citrate. There is far less medical data that has looked at letrozole and its chances for success. Some small studies indicate that letrozole may be more effective than clomiphene citrate

Gonadotropins: Women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) respond to these injectable fertility medications with a very high percentage of ovulation. However, polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) patients are more prone to the problems of gonadotropins such as ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS)

Surgery: Ovulation problems in women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) can also be treated be destroying or removing portions of the ovaries. In the medical literature, there have been several methods described for doing this including: Wedge resection, Multiple ovarian cystotomy, Ovarian diathermy. The benefits of surgery include the avoidance of OHSS and multiple pregnancy.

Treatment of polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) without concern for fertility: Treatment of the other problems associated with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) involve methods to restore normal menstrual cycle pattern and reduce the effect of high androgens. Hormonal contraceptives are commonly used for this purpose. More recently insulin resistance medications have been used. The combination of these two medications provides a potent one two punch for the treatment of polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).