I know that my anonymous commenter didn't mean to be hurtful, or insulting in their comment about 'being concerned only with what I can control,' but it stung. I wish and pray every night that I could stop the ruminating. Believe me if it was that easy I would have stopped long, long ago. I guess the seemingly innocuous comment set off some things that I really struggle with; namely the way we sweep mental illness under the rug in this country. I could go on and on about public policy, pharmaceutical companies, shifty therapists, lack of education, and lack of funding, but I'll talk about my own experience instead.
I am mentally ill. I have a diagnosis...two actually: generalized anxiety disorder and OCD. When I talk about it to my own husband he tries to downplay it as just being a 'worrier,' and says that I am not really sick. Living a life where your partner can't accept a part of you is awful. He will never understand, my family will never understand, nor will my friends. These people love me a great deal, but they will never get it. They all to some degree think I should just have a little more will power or try just a little more. Would they tell a diabetic to just try a little harder to produce and metabolize insulin? No, they would be sympathetic; they would want to walk in charity walks, give to foundations because diabetes is a 'legitimate' disease. This is not a life I have chosen for myself. I don't like feeling this way.
I can't even describe what is like to have your brain take you hostage. I can't let my mind wander for a second. I have to be constantly on guard for any thought that could lead to a downward spiral. When I read the paper I wonder if the articles are trying to warn me about all the bad things that could happen. My mind convinces me that terrible, horrific things will happen to those I love if I don't worry about every worst case scenario. The OCD has made me think I have magical powers...that I have supreme control over events if I just ruminate on them long enough. Example: I didn't really worry about having a miscarriage with my first pregnancy and BAM what happened!!! I wasn't being vigilant enough. I caused it, and I could have prevented it. I know in my rational brain that there is no way I caused a miscarriage by not worrying about it, but when the OCD/emotional part of my brain takes over I become all powerful and there is no amount of logic that will convince me otherwise.
I guess I just wanted to say that we are out here walking among you. I don't hear things, I don't see things, nor am I dangerous, but all the same I am what mentally ill looks like.
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I completely agree with you. I know what it's like to walk around with a legitimate mental health problem and hear people say, "Just cheer up! Stop worrying!" I don't even tell most people that I was hospitalized for depression. I just tell them it's a "chronic health problem." The worst people are the ones who verbally acknowledge that it's a legitimate illness and then treat you like you're feeble-minded.
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