I have a co-worker with my would have been due-date. This woman is perfectly nice, but a (large) part of me hates her guts. Why was she the chosen one? This woman already has 2 children, and she gleefully tells everyone that this one was an accident. HA! I can't even imagine an accident.
She also told everyone at work at about 6 weeks, right when she found out! What must that kind of confidence feel like? I regret even telling my mother. I never want to un-tell anyone ever again! Does she not know that things can go wrong? Can she be that innocent?
When I brought MH home from the hospital there was a family loading a brand-new baby girl into their car, and I lost it...in front of God and everybody. What if I never get to put a baby into the car? What then?
Monday, January 28, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Forced Break
We did an IUI. It didn't work. MH had back surgery. He can't participate in any strenous activity for 3 months. No more baby making until mid-April the beginning of May. Pretty much this just sucks.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
DSM-IV
I have a new one for the DSM-IV: Infertility Induced Manic-Depressive Disorder. OK, I really hate the phrase 'emotional roller coaster' it so something 'that girl' would say! I've decided to use IIMDD instead...much more clinical!
Usually, IIMDD begins with CD (cycle day)1, this is the first day of your period, by this time you have accepted you're not pregnant and have cried it out. On CD1 you call your RE and set up an appointment for a clearing ultrasound, this is to check for cysts may have developed after using meds the previous month. This ultrasound seals your fate for the cycle, having cysts means you are out of the game until next month. You feel pretty good CD1, ready to go, you just KNOW this is you month...then you wake up on CD2 and are worried sick about having cysts...CRAP where are the good feelings from yesterday? CD3 you've had your ultrasound. If you have cysts you sob all the way home or to work (and probably alternate between tears and outrage for the rest of the day). If you are lucky enough to be cyst free you feel GREAT, it is like being high, you are invincible. You cavalierly pick out baby bedding, pick colors for the nursery, review your baby names, buy OPKs and pregnancy tests with abandon, imagine not needing tampons for the next 9 months (sigh). Then around CD4 or 5 you crash. The doubt creeps in, what if you don't ovulate, what if your trigger shot doesn't work, what if your follicles shrink, what if your husband can't perform on the day of IUI, what if his sperm have all mysteriously died, what if... The cycle continues on and on. Highs you think will never end, and the lows that you think you will never climb out of. It makes you feel really and truly crazy.
I am in the throes of IIMDD right now. I've had my magical CD3 ultrasound-all clear...we are a go!!! I was so freaking happy. We have a plan and a little calendar mapping out medicine and my cycle. I took my first Femara pill. My trigger shot and Prometrium suppositories will be here Friday. Then I woke up on CD4 terrified and depressed. Why should this work? There is only a 20-30% chance it will be successful. What if my follicles don't grow before it is time for MH's back surgery? If they don't all of this is for naught. They need to be 19 or 20 mm by Saturday January, 12 to have a chance at IUI. I am only taking 2.5mg; the success stories I have read have all taken 5mg or more. Why is my RE starting me on so little? I hate this, but I'm sure that any day now I will be super optimistic again.
Usually, IIMDD begins with CD (cycle day)1, this is the first day of your period, by this time you have accepted you're not pregnant and have cried it out. On CD1 you call your RE and set up an appointment for a clearing ultrasound, this is to check for cysts may have developed after using meds the previous month. This ultrasound seals your fate for the cycle, having cysts means you are out of the game until next month. You feel pretty good CD1, ready to go, you just KNOW this is you month...then you wake up on CD2 and are worried sick about having cysts...CRAP where are the good feelings from yesterday? CD3 you've had your ultrasound. If you have cysts you sob all the way home or to work (and probably alternate between tears and outrage for the rest of the day). If you are lucky enough to be cyst free you feel GREAT, it is like being high, you are invincible. You cavalierly pick out baby bedding, pick colors for the nursery, review your baby names, buy OPKs and pregnancy tests with abandon, imagine not needing tampons for the next 9 months (sigh). Then around CD4 or 5 you crash. The doubt creeps in, what if you don't ovulate, what if your trigger shot doesn't work, what if your follicles shrink, what if your husband can't perform on the day of IUI, what if his sperm have all mysteriously died, what if... The cycle continues on and on. Highs you think will never end, and the lows that you think you will never climb out of. It makes you feel really and truly crazy.
I am in the throes of IIMDD right now. I've had my magical CD3 ultrasound-all clear...we are a go!!! I was so freaking happy. We have a plan and a little calendar mapping out medicine and my cycle. I took my first Femara pill. My trigger shot and Prometrium suppositories will be here Friday. Then I woke up on CD4 terrified and depressed. Why should this work? There is only a 20-30% chance it will be successful. What if my follicles don't grow before it is time for MH's back surgery? If they don't all of this is for naught. They need to be 19 or 20 mm by Saturday January, 12 to have a chance at IUI. I am only taking 2.5mg; the success stories I have read have all taken 5mg or more. Why is my RE starting me on so little? I hate this, but I'm sure that any day now I will be super optimistic again.
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