The Gateway Drug

Well, I have officially waded into the kiddie pool! Last night I dropped some clomid. My hand was shaking as I finished my glass of water; there's no turning back. After my 'stagnant' post I called my nurse to see when I should be seen next. She told me the RE wanted to do Femara (a drug used to treat breast cancer that incidentally causes eggs to mature), a trigger shot (HCG (hormone)- derived from Chinese hamsters; that makes you release egg(s), and an IUI (interuterine insemination). I was FREAKED OUT! When we first saw RE in August she said we could try 3 rounds of clomid before moving onto IUI. Come to find out RE doesn't do any clomid cycles; to do the clomid cycles you have to see your regular gyno. So I was all a twitter and making everyone crazy trying to decide what to do!
I am unprepared (emotionally) to do an IUI. That seems so final to me, and doing it would mean accepting that we are infertile. I didn't realize that this would be so hard for me. I guess
I really need that buffer of clomid. Doing IUI just seems like a brief stop on the way to IVF-ville...the last stop on the Babytown Railway. I want the least amount of help possible. I'm not ready to conceive my baby in a doctor's office. Maybe this sounds silly to you; sometimes it sounds silly to me, but I need to do the clomid for my peace of mind.
So after much debate, and conferring with my nurse again I decided to try clomid. I called my gyno in the nick of time...I had to take the first pill on day 5 of my cycle, and I called on day 5 to get it...then waited forever for Wal-Mart to fill it! *Side note* I heart Wal-Mart. I know a lot of people hate them for numerous reasons, but you can buy clomid for $9! Fertility drugs aren't covered by my insurance, so clomid would cost me around $50 at Walgreen's, etc. I am taking clomid days 5-9, then having an ultrasound and blood work on day 21 to check for ovulation and cysts. If it's going to work I should ovulate on day 14 so we'll see (I am not hopeful that this dosage will work.)
If it doesn't work, and it may not (many women with PCOS are clomid resistant) then we will regroup. I can't say that I don't have my reservations: clomid can cause adverse effects on the uterine lining, toxic cervical mucous, hot flashes, migraines, dizziness, mood-swings AND it might not even work! I'm also afraid of getting cysts. These happen when you ovulate, but the follicle containing the egg isn't reabsorbed my the body and begins to grow. These bad-boys delay any other cycles because they can produce hormones that interfere with drugs. There is so much room for doubt with every decisions, and so much second-guessing. Overall, I'm glad I'm doing the clomid...I'll leave no stone unturned.

More about PCOS

****Not my ovary******

Polycystic ovary syndrome - PCOS In the entire field of reproduction and infertility, no topic has as many myths and misconceptions associated with it as polycystic ovary syndrome - PCOS. Even its name causes confusion. Is it PCO or polycystic ovary disease (PCOD) or polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS)? Since the name includes the word "polycystic" does that mean that all women with this problem have cysts in their ovaries?

What's in a name? Syndrome: A group of signs and symptoms that occur together and characterize a particular abnormality. Disease: A pathological condition of the body that presents a specific and consistent group of clinical signs, symptoms, and laboratory findings peculiar to it and setting the condition apart as an abnormal entity differing from other normal or pathological conditions. The problem we are talking about then is not a disease. It is a syndrome. Not all women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) will present the same way or have the same symptoms or laboratory findings. Confused? For example, take the disease cystic fibrosis. All individuals with cystic fibrosis have the same underlying problem which is a mutation in the cystic fibrosis gene. In polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), on the other hand, there isn't any one common factor that identifies all women as having polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).

What signs and symptoms can be found in women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS)?

Ovulation problems: Anovulation -No ovulation at all, Oligo-ovulation- Infrequent or irregular ovulation. Irregular menstrual cycles (results from not ovulating regularly), Amenorrhea:-Women does not get any periods at all, Oligomenorrhea- Infrequent periods, Hypermenorrhea-
Periods that occur too frequently, Menorrhagia- Heavy periods and/or those that last for many days or weeks, Metorrhagia- Bleeding or spotting that occurs in between apparently normal periods.

Insulin resistance: The body does not respond to the hormone insulin as it normally should. Insulin's primary function is to keep the levels of blood sugar under control. On laboratory tests, insulin resistance may not show up at all. If it does, it may appear in one or more of the following ways: High fasting insulin levels, Low glucose to insulin ratio, High triglyceride levels.* Insulin resistance may lead to diabetes so laboratory findings consistent with diabetes can also be found in polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).

Hyperandrogenism: Androgens are what most people think of as "male" hormones. This is incorrect. All people have androgens. Males typically have levels that are much higher than women. However, women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) have slightly elevated levels of androgens. Elevated androgen levels can result in the development of some signs and symptoms in women; Hirsutism -Unwanted hair growth. Usually on the lip, cheeks, chin, neck, in between the breasts, beneath the umbilicus(belly button), Acne, Alopecia-Male pattern hair thinning and loss. On laboratory evaluation, hyperandrogenism may not show up at all. If it does, it may be seen in high levels in one of the following tests: Total testosterone, Free testosterone, Dihydrotesterone (DHT)3, alpha glucuronide (3AG), Androstenedione, DHEAS (dehydroepiandosterone sulfate).* There are numerous other androgen levels that may be elevated but these are not usually looked at in clinical medical practice). Androgen levels can be elevated in other types of problems besides polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). These other problems should be ruled out before someone is given a diagnosis of polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). The most common of these problems is called congenital adrenal hyperplasia (CAH).

Ultrasound findings: Some women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) may have one or more of the following findings: Enlarged ovaries, Large number (>10) of tiny follicles (cysts) just under the surface of the ovaries, The center of the ovaries is echogenic (highly reflective on ultrasound), and with very few follicles seen. Women with ultrasound findings are said to have polycystic appearing ovaries (PAO). IMPORTANT:Not all women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) have polycystic appearing ovaries (PAO). Not all women with polycystic appearing ovaries (PAO) have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). In fact, many normal women with regular ovulation have polycystic appearing ovaries (PAO).

Miscellaneous laboratory findings: These laboratory findings can be found in some women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). Many women with these findings may not have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). Elevated prolactin levels, High levels of luteinizing hormone (LH), High ratio of LH:FSHHigh levels of inhibin-B, High levels of plasminogen activator inhibitor -1 (PAI-1)

Health risks associated with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS): Women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) seem to have certain health problems more frequently than you would expect in the general population. It is thought that these problems are either caused by polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) or that they have the same underlying cause as polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). These include: Hypertension, Type II Diabetes, Coronary artery disease, Endometrial cancer (cancer of the lining of the uterus) It is not specific to polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), however. Any problem which causes a woman not to ovulate is associated with a higher risk of endometrial cancer.

Pregnancy risks associated with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS): Gestational diabetes (diabetes that occurs during pregnancy), Pregnancy induced hypertension (PIH), Preeclampsia, Preterm birth Babies from PCOS mothers have a higher rate of admission to the neonatal intensive care unit, Babies from PCOS mothers have a higher rate of perinatal death. The perinatal mortality rate is the combination of two separate death rates: antenatal mortality, which is defined as the death of a fetus after the 20th week of pregnancy but before delivery, plus neonatal mortality which is the death of a baby up to 28 days after birth. Contrary to popular belief, a recent analysis has found that PCOS patients do not have a higher risk of miscarriage than non-PCOS infertility patients. ****** MY RE SAYS OTHERWISE

Treatment of polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS): There isn't one treatment for polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). The type of treatment is dependent on the symptoms that a woman has and her specific desires at that point in her life. Specific goals of treatment might include: Promotion of fertility, Desire for regular menstrual cycles, Reduction of acne, unwanted hair growth or hair loss, Reduction of other health risks associated with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).

Fertility treatment: Treatment of insulin resistance Can be accomplished by:
Weight loss Even modest amounts of weight loss have been shown in clinical studies to improve the chance for ovulation and pregnancy. IMPORTANT: There is no data that low carbohydrate diets are better for women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) than any other kind of diet. ******* MY RE SAYS OTHERWISE. Exercise, Particularly aerobic exercise increase the utilization of glucose by the muscle and reduce insulin resistance. Medication- There are several medications available by prescription that work by reduction of insulin resistance and have been shown in medical studies to increase the chance for ovulation and pregnancy, like glucophage. Alternatives to glucophage for treating insulin resistance.

Use of fertility medications: Clomiphene citrate: Women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) do not respond to clomiphene citrate with the same success as other women. This has been called clomiphene resistance. There have been many methods attempted to reduce the chance for clomiphene resistance and include: Increasing the dose of clomiphene citrate, Prolonging the duration of clomiphene administration, Adding insulin resistance medications, Adding dexamethasone, Adding naltrexone.

Aromatase inhibitors: Aromatase inhibitors such as letrozole work in a similar fashion as clomiphene citrate. There is far less medical data that has looked at letrozole and its chances for success. Some small studies indicate that letrozole may be more effective than clomiphene citrate

Gonadotropins: Women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) respond to these injectable fertility medications with a very high percentage of ovulation. However, polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) patients are more prone to the problems of gonadotropins such as ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS)

Surgery: Ovulation problems in women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) can also be treated be destroying or removing portions of the ovaries. In the medical literature, there have been several methods described for doing this including: Wedge resection, Multiple ovarian cystotomy, Ovarian diathermy. The benefits of surgery include the avoidance of OHSS and multiple pregnancy.

Treatment of polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) without concern for fertility: Treatment of the other problems associated with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) involve methods to restore normal menstrual cycle pattern and reduce the effect of high androgens. Hormonal contraceptives are commonly used for this purpose. More recently insulin resistance medications have been used. The combination of these two medications provides a potent one two punch for the treatment of polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).

L-OV-E

What would you do for the person you love? What would you do to keep them? How far would you go? What if it meant changing your whole life? What if meant working at a job you hate? What if meant that you would always come second? Are these things you can ask of the person you love? What if there is no compromise? What if they hate you later? What if they are miserable? How do you live with yourself? Is all love ultimately selfish? If a person goes to the end of the Earth for you; do you 'owe' them for the rest of your life...even if it never enters the other person's mind? What if you would never sacrifice for them in the same way? Do you truly love them? Does that kind of sacrifice forever change the balance and nature of your relationship? Is mature love, a love that makes you willingly put aside your doubts and fears for another person? How do you ever tell them how grateful you are?

If You're Not Moving Forward, Where Are You Moving?

I have felt very stagnant the last few weeks. The enthusiasm after the first appointment with the RE has worn off. It was such a high to have a plan, and to have a doctor actually take me seriously. Then the real world crept in...the doubt, the fear, the stress, the grief, and the wait. I was feeling so great the first week or so after our appointment. I felt as though I had the teeny-tiniest crumb of control over my life. HA! In August when Dr. S said she wanted to see us back in December I thought great, that seems reasonable, not too far away, right!? I feel like I have lived two lifetimes since then. Dr. S said this break would give metformin a chance to really work, after all 40% of women ovulate on their own after taking met. Ummmmm, where are these 40% they must live in places without an internet connection because I have never 'met' them or heard their stories. I can't honestly believe that I thought I would wind up in the 40% club. I base my entire life on thinking good things will NOT happen so I am not disappointed (yes, I am talking to my therapist about this), but I let myself believe the best about this because surely life is sometimes fair, right!? HAHA! Now, here I am taking provera (again) to start my period. Provera, is a piece of shit (sorry mom!) I feel like how I imagine it feels to be pregnant: emotional, nauseous, sore boobs, tired, and my favorite....HOT FLASHES!!!! When you combine this with the side effects of the met your life is one giant trip to the bathroom, although the tiles feel quite nice when you are having your 507th hot flash of the day, and are so freaking sweaty you look like you ran a marathon! I love having co-workers ask why I am so sweaty! I haven't come up with any acceptable answers to this so I just shrug....really, who asks someone why they are sweating, really, really!!!! I digress...I feel like I am doing nothing to help myself right now. I can't even exercise anymore because by the end of the day I feel like throwing up, I'm going through menopause, I am exhausted, and/or on a really great day feel like I'm going to poop my pants! I want to be DOING something!!!!! I feel like if I do enough, try enough, pray enough, plead enough, research enough, or fill-in-the-blank enough I will prove that I deserve a baby.

I am NOT a complete CRAZY PERSON

HA! Dewy and I have found a new hobby...we are obsessed with reading infertility blogs (particularly the success stories). It is so nice to hear how the 'other half lives.' Believe me I didn't think I was the only game in town, but the sheer number of blogs about infertility out there is AMAZING. It's heartbreaking to see how many people occupy our corner of Hell on Earth, but at the same time is comforting...WE ARE NOT ALONE! For me the isolation of infertility is one of the most painful aspects (besides the obvious!). When you read these blogs you see many common themes: hope, sex, money, anger, depression, excitement, anxiety, and loneliness. It makes you feel that you are not going silently insane. These women have been there; they have survived, and they have babies to show for it! These ladies get 'it!' Very few infertiles actually 'know' another infertile. I am exceedingly lucky that I have Dewy. I hate that infertility renewed our friendship, but I literally cried at my computer with a mixture of sadness, and a bit of relief when she emailed me back that she too was infertile. I am ashamed to admit that there was relief in the mix, but the solace of her company has been immeasurable...she, for better or worse gets 'it.' It's bizarre how connected you feel to these strangers on the internet. I check my favorite blogs everyday to see how everyone is doing. I have found myself praying for these strangers; that they get pregnant, that their babies stick, and that their babies are healthy. It is a powerful connection that I can't really explain. Maybe this is how soldiers feel returning from battle; a sense of community and truly knowing how someone has suffered. You simply can't understand unless you too, have been in the trenches. I am also ashamed to admit how lucky I sometimes feel. There are many women out there whose situations are far worse than mine. It is difficult to gain perspective when there is literally no one to compare yourself to in real life. Some of the infertiles' stories also make me profoundly grateful. Some women are shunned by their families because they are choosing to undergo fertility treatments. I never realized how controversial fertility treatments can be...this is a post for another time. I can't imagine my parents telling me that is not 'God's will' for me to have children...as if they can even know God's will...give me a break! I can't imagine my in-laws yelling and screaming at me that it is my fault that their son can't have children, or that there couldn't possibly be something wrong with their son. I'm lucky that I don't have any smug fertile friends who tell me to 'just relax', or that it 'will happen when the time is right,' or to 'get drunk' or to 'go on vacation', or to 'have sex every other day, on the full moon, standing up' or what ever else worked for their cousin's friend's half-sister. I don't have to endure baby showers, nosy relatives, or pregnancy announcements every other day. Some women are forced by their circumstances to see doctors who only see dollar signs, are incompetent, indifferent, negative, condescending, dismissive, or all of the above. So, yes, I am lucky...not that I can always maintain this zen-like, peaceful state...after all tomorrow is another day. Gratitude is something that I am working on! Everything may not be sunshine and roses, but at least I am in good company.

Hey Ya'll, Wibbs asked me to fill in for her two day! I'm like so excited!!!! She wanted me to talk to ya'll about injustiss. I said what does that mean and she said that means unfair. she thinks she knows what injustiss is but i am going to show her! she said it was unfair that i could have babees (that is like so unfair he said has been like sanitized and couldn't bave babies and that we would like adopt poor babies so people would like think we were like heartrusistic that means real nice and stuff!) and she is having a hard time having BUT if u ask me she is better off they like make u fat and they don't like talk or want to go to place like KOI and nobu and get there pictures taken or anything fun!!!!!! WELL tell me about unfair I no all about what unfair means. Lets start with this new word injustiss believe me all my problems started with someone who's name has J-U-S-T in it. I mean like how is it fair is that he has like this career now! He was my ummmm like accessorie that's like a really awsome hat or something, but I was like the outfit. That means I was the most important part! He ummmm like oh what did my lawyer say that he "captiualized" (that means like use u) on my success! I'm LUCKY! I cry cry cry in the lonely night...I'm a star! I mean that video he did. It's not my fault that i found my for real soul mate I mean I was like in luv my choreogrpaher see i like no big words two!!!!! ... he was so awesome he could like dance and stuff & we like went tanning and stuff how was i supposed to no that he was gay lots of men can dance and have highlights and like to hang out with other guy dancers at special dancing clubs for other tan men with highlights! Now, J-U-S-T-I-N is like dating that girl with the giant ass ummmm like why. why not Meeeeeee. I would like never make him wear a matchin demin outfits again everyone nose shiny materials are in now! I like totally saw it all over the WWF magazine i get those girls are my heros look at brooke hulk hogan she looks so like AWESOME! I OPENED the VMAs not him! and not that kayne person either see I am LUCKY I'm a star I cry cry cry in the lonely night! may be in-J-U-S-T-I-N (HAHA see I am like wetty two!!!!!) is TOXIC in mean I am like STRONGER than yesterday! I mean why don't people understand that I am an ARTIST. More injustedness like I thought Kevin was my soul mate he is like so Finnnnne and like smart 2 i mean he like noes how to wear wife beaters C that's like smart not everyone can and he had like cornrows that's like road cred!!!!!! he like totallly capitualized on me two. I like luved him our sex was like so good. i like luved him soooo much and he turned on me! I mean I like had my dream wedding like didn't u luv my fingerless gloves u only get those if you are like REAL klaassy that's like what monica whoooleea said! and she said I was like a veags show girl in my other short wedding dress!!!!!! Like Helllooo those girl's have got it GOING ON! How dare he leave me!!!! I bought him a FERARRI those r like from another country the one that looks like a shoe or something!!!!!! ANDDDDD who do u think wrote popo zoa ME so suck that! I mean I like ruined my body and like had babies with him. i didn't know they would like get bigger and become such a like drag. I mean like BitBit didn't get any bigger and like cry and want to play and stuff. OH in did ya know that u aren't like supposed give kids stuff to make them like sleep and stuff! I like hired that nanny 2 like control them. I know about injustiss! I have like another example two. One picture of u coming out of a bathroom barefooted at a truck stop and people think ur like so nasty and grotty or something! I'll have u no that my feet are not the only bare part of me that has touched a public restroom (haha kevin was like so spontheinieous that means you don't plan things and stuff) and I am not sick or anything! so HA joke's on U! Oh and I am a brilliant ummm like what's the word marketeer of myself two. why do u think I eat all those cheetoes and frapperchinoes If I'm seen with them then people will know that I eat I don't want all those rumors about being like a axeretic or anything that is not not hot! I am just like u I eat two no maycrobayotic diet for me!!!! I am like an American but I am LUCKY I'm a STAR I cry cry cry in the lonely night. I have more unfairness 2 people just don't understand me I am like a ohhh what did my former manager say a like the idiom savent of the dim-witted that means I am like super taleted and stuff he said that mensee (that's like a club for people who are super smart and like psychic) would be calling any day and then he quit and slammed the door in my face! he is like jealousE that I am like a jeanius and stuff! OHHHHH OOOHHHHHH i thught of more unjustiss!!!! so i like want to shave my head I mean like my hair is falling out. It's like not fair that like u can't wear weave for like 10 years and die it blond every week. that is not my falt. So I like shaved it off like everybody liked it when that natalie portsmith or whatever persons did it. now i have hair agin and perez hilton thinks it is ugleee I mean why can't that Ken paver do my hair???!!!!! INJ-U-S-T-TISSSS!!!!!! or that Jonathan from that TV show he cries and yells and likes 2 like tan like me! We have sooooo much in common maybe he is like my soul mate and he could like make me a PussyCat cuz his sister like started it. i saw parts of that charlie therone movie she like got ugleeeeee and fat and won an oscar and I am the crazy person! I mean where is the justiss is it like deaf to me!!!! OH and that movie is not about monsters it's about a fat ugley woman!!!! UHHHHHH my movie had like friends, and dreems, and a hot guy and karaoke in it. see unjustiss agin. then like my mom got all pist at me and wanted me to go to rehab that's for like people who don't kno how to like party right. i mean if u like change your clothes with some1 at the club then like those paparassi seee wetty agin! don't know that is it u when u come back out!!! that is why my mom said "oh yeah u really fooled them!" and then she laffed at me see she is jealousE that i am so smart so I fired her. I can't like have all that negativeity and like bad energy around me all the time that's what my kabbala teacher said I only need people who send me good energy like that guy i hired to watch my babyees. he like doesn't tell me what to do he listens to meeeeeeee! UHHHH then their is my cozin Alli she is like an eggs benedict that means ur like a person who lies and does bad things like tell ur mom and kevin that ur crazy and unfit. that's not fair I am not fat! OOOHHHH and she wants to be singer 2 why does everybody like capitualize on me! I mean like get ur own life and stop being a copy cat! i like hired her so she could be my friend!!!!!! who wouldn't wnat to be my friend I'm LUCKY I'm a STAR! see that has like 2 meainings that could be like my name or that i am like lucky hahahaha see wetty agin! ohhhh and now that mean old judge took my a babies. how am I supposed to get cute magazine covers and all that!????? SHHHHHH...i'll tell you a secret i am happy u no those kids were trying to capitualize on me 2 now they can try to capitualize on Kevin....hahahahaa they don't know that there dad is like a LOSER! seeee kids are like dumb that's why there so much trouble ummmm like how do u not no ur going to fall out of high chair if u don't sit still....seee. and now i can check in2 hotels and have like room service all the time and sleep and smoke and have red bull and vodkas all day without those things crawling all over the place. see i no pain i no about injustiss I'm NOt that INNOCENT! HA! Love and smooches, LUCKY (haha now no one will who I am I'm like innimemus and stuff)

A Bad, Bad Trip

Guilt trips....never fun and always hazardous, but nearly impossible to avoid. The men I know don't experience very much guilt. So I am hypothesizing that women feel guilty more often because they are raised to mother, to give endlessly, care endlessly, and comfort endlessly. The worst guilt trip women take in their mid to late twenties involves having children. We all spout (especially the Dems) that it is a woman's choice to have children, but how many of us have inwardly been shocked when we hear that a woman chose not to have children. In that vein, how many women do we actually know that chose not to have children? I personally know one, and I always feel rotten for her that she doesn't have any. She says that she didn't want children, but somehow I am still unsure. Would she have had them if she married someone else, someone younger, someone without a child already? I don't know. Did she have a hard time when her husband didn't want to have more children? Did she feel cheated when her step-child rejected her? Or was she being truthful when she said she did not want children? See what I mean, I don't think many people can accept or fathom a woman choosing not to have a child. I do, however, believe that choosing whether or not to have children is one of the toughest decisions to be made. It's ironic that you have to make such a life altering choice while you are relatively young and starting your career. My friend Lil is coming to this watershed moment in her life. This is such a personal decision, but everyone from her mother to her a bank teller will have opinions about it. Would it help her to know that I sometimes have doubts about it? I am afraid I won't live up to the challenge, I am afraid I won't be able to love a baby, I am afraid of losing myself completely once I have children. Why am I persisting in having a child and willing to do whatever it takes despite these fears? It was a collection of moments for me: Ellie, a girl I nannied for, laughing, her red hair and blue eyes like me, holding a friend's baby, watching my siblings grow up, the moment that my mom and I became friends, looking at my husband while he sleeps and having this feeling that I wouldn't be complete until we made a life together. Are these reasons rational or grounded in logic? No. Are they real? Yes. Why doesn't my friend think she wants to have children? For many of the same reasons that make me apprehensive. She also wants to have a long and successful career. Lil has always been highly driven, and a career completes who she is in a fundamental way. I hear some of you saying, 'Well, you can have both.' I'm sorry that's not true!!!! You can't do everything well; it's impossible. This is the horrible legacy the women's movement has left us. No one I know wants a nanny spending 70-80 hours a week with their child...talk about selfish! You can't have it all; something has to give. It's usually the children who lose...I've seen this first hand nannying. So my friend is left plagued by guilt ...shouldn't she have children; she's able to...is she being selfish? No, I don't think so. I don't think choosing to be child free is selfish, but I do worry about her waiting until it is too late. I don't want to see her heartbroken. I'll tell her what a dear friend told me, "Clarify your values, base your decisions on what you value most, and then go after it full force." So, here I am...

Things More Boring Than an Infertile Girl:

Alan Greenspan and Larry King having an oratorical showdown! Yep, that's all of I've got. I'm sure there are other things (maybe), but none come to mind. I'm sure my friends would agree that listening to their once entertaining friend discuss the nuances of her monthly cycle in every conversation is right up there in boringness with Alan Greenspan discussing ANYTHING...even wild orgies! Eeewww, bad images! Anyway, I have fabulous friends, but I feel like some of them are avoiding me and I know why....I AM A BORING, PSYCHO, HOT-MESS right now! I can't think about anything outside of my pelvic cavity. I don't blame them; hell I bore myself sometimes. Morning temps, ovulation, and periods aren't exactly the most titillating conversation topics. I know that my fabulous friends sympathize with me, but they don't empathize with me (except for Dewey, but I probably bore her too!) It just sucks! I want to be a normal person who thinks about normal things! I want my life back; it may not have been much of one, but it was mine it wasn't ruled by my ovaries! ARGHHHHHHH! I have gone back to therapy in hopes of having a place where I can 'get the crazy out'! My therapist is great we're doing cognitive behavioral therapy to treat my OCD and anxiety. Oh yeah, did I mention I have OCD. I'm not a counter, washer, etc. My OCD manifests itself in obsessive thoughts and feelings. My thoughts are like a record that gets stuck. So being infertile and having OCD is a real picnic. I literally can't think about anything else. I feel like such a freak. The things that other people dismiss get lodged in my head and grow like cancer. There's no escape, there's no end just a continuous play back: you will never have children, your life will be empty, you will feel like this forever, you'll never ovulate, your husband will leave you, your friends will abandon you, your family will shun you, you deserve this, you are a failure, you will always see negative pregnancy tests, you're a bad person, you can't have kids because you are unfit, you're crazy, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children. Then after you repeat it enough you actually start to believe it. Then I become convinced that it is true. OCD is vicious. It has robbed me of a normal life. I can't think about anything besides not being able to have a baby, and other disasters at every turn. I want to be carefree again. To my friends I wish that I could promise an end in sight, I wish that I could be more emotionally involved in your lives, I wish I could be the friend you deserve, but right now I can't. I'm exhausted.