33w1d: SURPRISE!!!!!

Savannah Elizabeth is here!!!! I have a good excuse for my absence. What a whirlwind! My water broke on Sunday 8/17 at 32w6d. I woke up used the bathroom, and when I was standing up I felt a huge SPLOOSH...there was no mistaking that it was my water breaking. Luckily I was in the bathroom!!! I was FREAKING out, but MH was calm and got my clothes and got me into the car.

I finally got up to L&D where I had a mini-breakdown about how early she was and oddly enough not having a chance to brush my teeth. They got me right on the monitors, and when I heard her beautiful heartbeat I calmed down. I met with the Dr. who wanted to stop my contractions and give me steroid shots to mature her lungs. They work after 48 hours, so the goal was to stop labor for at least 48 hours.

This was the longest 48 hours of my life!!! After it was determined that I didn't have an infection I was given a shot of terbutaline to stop my contractions. This worked for awhile, but after about four hours my contractions were back and becoming more regular so it was time for the big guns: magnesium sulfate, affectionately known as mag. The mag is like having liquid fire going straight into your veins. You literally feel like you are on fire from the inside out. At this point I also got a catheter, and was on strict bedrest and no food or water. I slept a little, but was still worried and HOT!!!! Overnight my contractions really picked up and I had to have two shots of terbutaline which worked thankfully! Monday was incredibly slow. I couldn't concentrate to read or even watch TV, I literally just lay there and listened to Savannah's heartbeat on the monitor. Monday night was tough. I had a mean nurse who made me cry because I couldn't tell the difference between her moving and contractions.

FINALLY, 10:00 Tuesday morning came...the magic 48 hour mark!!! At this point they turn off the mag, and it becomes just wait and see, either your will go into labor or your body will get the message and wait a little longer. They let me eat that morning, and it looked like the contractions had stopped.

Then around 4:00 PM I started having intense pain in my lower back, but wasn't registering any contractions so the nurses kind of just ignored me until it got so bad I was crying...then they had a resident check me and I was dilated 3cm. Everything happened so fast after that. The OR was open so they rushed me in before the next scheduled c-section. The spinal block was terrible; the Dr. couldn't get in, I was crying hysterically, but finally on the third try it worked! It was bizarre being awake while you knew they were cutting you open.

At 6:48 Miss Savannah was born!!!!! I can't explain what it was like to hear her cry for the first time. It was like my heart cracked open. I cried and cried. The nurse brought her over for just long enough to get a quick picture...she was beautiful and perfect. Savannah weighed 5lbs 1oz and was 19 inches long. i don't remember much after that. I know I went to see her in the NICU while I was still on the gurney, and I guess I somehow got up to my room.

Savannah spent two LONG weeks in the NICU. She only need the CPAP to help her breathe for a few hours. After that she just needed to learn how to eat and maintain her body temperature.

The last seven weeks have bee magical! We are so, so, so lucky to have our real, live baby. I will post more updates and pictures soon!!!

31w1d: A Year Goes By...

It's been a year since we first met with the RE. In someways it seems like only yesterday, and in others it seems like a lifetime ago. We're going to be meeting our baby in a about nine weeks. I'm still waiting for the shoe to fall. It still hurts when I hear of people who get pregnant the first try. I doubt that will ever go away completely.

I met my new Dr. yesterday, and really liked her and the the whole office. She seems to radiate capability and confidence so I think I am in good hands. I have a growth ultrasound in two weeks to see how big Savannah has gotten.

The nursery is coming along. The small stuff still needs to be done, but we do have a crib!!!!

It is really beautiful here, and COOL (well, cooler than SC!) I'm mainly putting the apartment together and relaxing. I have been taking a nap every afternoon, and trying to enjoy myself.

30w1d: Stubborn Girl!

Well, we had the 3D/4D ultrasound and Miss Savannah was having none of it! I was so frustrated. I had been so excited, and she decided to keep her hand over her face almost the whole time!!!!!! We did get a few semi-cute ones. I can't tell who she might look like though...

29w3d: 7 Hours and 8 minutes...

Until I quit working (hopefully for the rest of my life!) I cannot wait to waddle my pregnant behind out of here!!!!! Apparently, my co-workers are giving me a pizza party to say good-bye. I am really not looking forward to all the small talk. I never really made friends with anyone at work so I kind of wish they would just let me slink out without fanfare.

I hope that I enjoy staying at home as much as I think I will. I was the happiest I have ever been when I was a full-time nanny. I know that I got to leave after eight hours, but I have never been as personally satisfied since. Frankly, sitting at a desk is basically torture for me so even the thought of being exhausted, and having a demanding, unpredictable new boss sounds appealing.

I had my shower last weekend...it was FABULOUS!!!! All my dearest friends were there, and the food was beyond delicious. I will write a full post on it when I get to CT...I don't have my camera cord here with me to post pictures and properly document it.

On Friday I am meeting MH in Raleigh. We are going to dinner at Ruth Chris on Friday, yum!!!! Then we are going to a giant consignment sale Saturday morning. We have our 3d/4d ultrasound that afternoon, I can't wait to see her little face (and confirm that she is still a 'she.') I hope I will feel up to seeing Batman that night, but we'll see.

Check back next week for shower and ultrasound pics!!!!

27w2d: I Love a Good Countdown!

Let's see here...89 days until my due date, and only 12 more business at work!!!!!! I'm not sleeping well at night so being able to nap during the day for the next few months is going to be heavenly.

Not much else is happening. My shower is in about a week. I'm very excited about it. Then the next week we're going to have a 3D/4D ultrasound. I can't wait to see her little face!!!!!

26w2d: I Passed!!!!

No gestational diabetes for me!!!!!! What a relief!!!! I said a sad good bye to my doctor today, I will miss her. Hopefully, my new one will be just as good. Everything looked good with the baby. She was measuring big a couple weeks ago, but seems to be within normal range now so we'll see.

26w: 98 Days To Go!!!!

Update- Here is the fabric I choose for the valances!




This is the bedding for Savannah's room, obviously it is very, very simple. I'm going to make some valances for the windows. I'll post pics as soon as I am in CT, and have the nursery somewhat put together!

Here is the crib we picked out this weekend. The one I 'really' wanted was sold out, and Babies R Us didn't inspire much confidence that it would in fact be coming back...so we ordered choice number two.

The movers finally came Friday morning, and are unpacking our stuff in CT right this very minute! I will be giving my notice at work sometime this week! I have a Dr.'s appt. scheduled in CT Aug. 4th. I'm nervous about seeing a new Dr., but I've had a normal pregnancy so there really shouldn't be any issues. I also have my gestational diabetes test on Wednesday. I really, really hope I don't have GD!!!!!

24w4d: She'll be in High School Soon!!!!!!

Time seems to be flying by right now. It reminds me of a scene in "When Harry met Sally." Sally says something to the effect of, "I'm going to be 40!" Harry asks, "When?" and Sally replies, "Someday!" I feel like before I know it Savannah will be choosing colleges!

I know I have been a TOTAL Debbie Downer in my last few posts so here is some good stuff!!! I am moving to CT sooner than expected...July 28th!!!!! They hired MH on permanently so all the nice perks like free flights are gone. We figured that any money I earned would be spent on flights, and seeing each other once a month was just not going to work. The rental house fell through after several traders mentioned that the owner said they could have a key, and crash there when they were too drunk to drive home. That will not work, period. We got a very nice apartment, though. It is closer to MH's work, and he will be able to car pool with his boss, Tim. Tim's wife is a L&D nurse so she has given me recommendations for an OB and pediatrician. The office staff at the new OB's has been very nice. This is HUGE for me since I have to hang-up and call back at my current office when a certain woman answers!!!!

I CANNOT wait to quit my job!!!! July 24th will be my last day! My mom asked me what I would do with myself for two months before the baby arrives: my mom is constantly doing something so I don't think laying on the couch watching TV hold much appeal for her. I will unpack and get things organized, but other than that I am going read, sleep, swim, and watch TV.

23w1d: Hormonal Abyss, or Post Where I Continue Complaining

Well, the precious Wiblet is a little over a pound now, and about 11 inches in length. We scheduled a 3d/4d ultrasound in July so that is exciting!!! Plans for my shower seem to be coming together as well. It's not ALL bad, I promise!!!

I am bone tired. I try to tell myself that this is nothing compared to what it will be like when the baby is actually here, but obviously that is cold comfort.

I am swollen. This has been going on since week 17. My feet and ankles are literally the size of cantaloupes at the end of the day. I can't feel my toes, and it hurts to walk.

I am SWEATY! Since it is approximately 5,000 degrees here there is no relief. I sweat at work, at home, and even in the freaking pool! I hate, hate, hate being hot.

I have carpal tunnel. The only cure for it is delivery. I can't feel my left hand. Oh, and I work in a job where I have to type ALL DAY LONG!!!

I just want to cry and/or scream pretty much all day long. I feel incredibly unstable...like I am possessed. The hormonal part is probably the worst because it reaffirms how little control I have over everything with my body right now. Everything is pissing me off. I hate my job. I'm sick of living with my FIL. I'm sick of being alone all damn day. I'm sick of not having any friends here. I'm sick of feeling like the odd man out since I am pregnant. I want a freaking cocktail!!!!! I want a hot bath!!! I want lunch meat, sushi, hot dogs, and Diet Coke!!!!! I miss my husband. I want to stop thinking that the baby's dead every single hour. I want to take my anxiety meds again.

22w: Beyond Expectations

I have a real problem with things living up to my expectations, well honestly not just things or events, but people too. Physically, being pregnant has been great, but it has taken a toll on other areas of my life that I didn't really anticipate i.e. some of my friendships. There are a couple that are dying, if not completely dead. I 'expected' that these people would be life long friends, I 'expected' that we could all move in different directions, and remain as close as we once were. I guess I have been watching too much Sex and the City! Has getting married and getting pregnant fundamentally changed who I am? I don't know. It doesn't feel like it; besides not bitching about bad dates and getting drunk I don't think I'm any different than the 'before' me. Who knows?

This is by far the happiest I have ever been in my entire life, but there are still parts that are missing. Is it like the 'triangle theory' where if two areas of your life are great the third will always be a mess? I have the great relationship, I'm going to finally be able to quit working, but the friendships are a wreck?! Is this just some kind of cosmic balancing act? Does anyone have it all?

The good news is I have found something that COMPLETELY exceeded all of expectations so maybe I'm not doomed to be eternally insatiable and annoying! Anyway, last night for some reason I decided to poke the baby. Well, I poked and poked THEN she BUMPED me back!!!! I felt it from the outside!!! AMAZING!!!! So, I kept poking her and she would bump back every time! I laughed and laughed and then cried a little bit. How in the world did I get so lucky?

20w2d: Bitter Moment

Sigh. I am still infertile. I was reading another infertile's blog today. She had a picture of a gyno exam table complete with stirrups, and the headline "Where the Magic Happens." It made me cry...not dainty tears, but full out sobbing at my desk. That's where our 'magic' happened too; in an office, on a table, not at home, not just the two of us.

Yes, I am pregnant now. Yes, I am beyond grateful everyday. Yes, I am lucky. Unfortunately, the hurt and fear is still there just below the surface. Sometimes, when people ask me when I am due I have to put in a disclaimer, "Well, if everything works out." This, of course, makes people stare at you like you are CRAZY person.

I am already planning out when we need to start treatments again. What if things aren't so easy next time? MH just wants to forget. So, here I am. Alone. I still don't feel like a 'success story,' but I don't really fit in with those who are still fighting the good fight.

20w: Halfway!!!!

I can't believe I am halfway there, or I guess that Savannah is halfway here!!! She is about the size of a banana, 10 inches head to foot and 10 1/2 ounces.

We had a fun weekend. Daddy went crazy in Babies R' Us! We bought some toys, bibs, bouncer, Johnnie Jump Up thing, high chair, and swing. Oh, and we bought our car seat at another baby store in Charleston. I think daddy wanted to buy more more, but I wanted there to be somethings left for other people to buy! We also bought our video camera.

We are going to be renting the house MH is staying in CT which is great news. No deposits, no icky landlords, no apartment searching! Plus, we have a garage, free internet, yard, and they will pay half the satellite bill! I am so excited. One more big thing down!!!!

19w1d: Mother's Day

Miss Savannah got me a dozen red roses for Mother's Day...isn't she just the sweetest girl in the world???!!! Baby girl is the size of an Heirloom tomato today (about 6 inches head to rump, and 9 oz.)

We had a great weekend visiting friends in DC. We even had a tour of the West Wing!!!! VIP all the way! Unfortunately, I was really exhausted by the end of the weekend. I even had to take Monday off. It's so hard adjusting to not being able to go full-force anymore. I don't know how people survive being pregnant and having a toddler!!!

Not much else to report. I have my next doctor's appointment on the 20th. I hope that my weight gain is OK.

17w1d: Shopping Spree!

Oh wow! I knew shopping for baby stuff would be fun, but it's even better than I had imagined. Someone came over the other day, and asked if we already had our shower...HAHA! The dining room is almost FULL!

So Far:
- Stroller (about 40% off)
-Pack n Play (gift from FIL)
-Play mat (great deal at TJ Maxx)
-Bundle Me (great deal at TJ's)
-A big, ol' bag of clothes (sale at Gymboree)
-Bedding (being discontinued at Pottery Barn)

16w2d: IT'S A GIRL!!!

Here's our sweet baby girl, Savannah. I called MH when I left the OB's office, and he really wanted to know, so I ripped open the envelope. Obviously, the ultrasound picture said, "girl." We were both a little shocked. I don't know why, I mean there is a 50-50 shot! I guess I had been relating to the baby as a boy this whole time. I have no idea why!!!

We are both terrified that our baby girl will have lupus. MH's sister and mother both passed away due to lupus related infections. They were both exhibiting symptoms in early childhood. It's a very painful and debilitating disease. There's no cure, and the treatments are often worse than the disease itself. The good news is MH has tested negative for antibodies, and I don't have any family history. The geneticist we met with said there was only a 3-5% chance any of our children would have lupus. So, we'll just pray, and try to eliminate as many environmental triggers as possible.

This is not to say that we are not very, very happy!!! Miss Savannah is healthy. She has all her organs, and is growing right on schedule. This week she is the size of an avocado!!! I am so, so excited to buy all the cute girl stuff. I think MH is scared I'm going to spend every last cent of his new paycheck!

15w3d: Is it Monday, yet?

Monday is our 'big' ultrasound!!! They will be able to tell us what we are having, and I suppose most importantly that all the organs are present and are the right size. I can't wait to be able to use the appropriate pronoun instead of 'it' and 'the baby.' On the downside MH won't be able to be there. He will be working in CT all week. They will make him a DVD, though. We decided to have them write the gender on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope so we can open it together when he gets home on Saturday. I told my father-in-law that he might have to put said envelope in his safe so I don't rip it open. Next week is going to be a long one...

13w4d: Tidbits

The blood work for the NT scan came back yesterday: less than 1/10,000 for trisomies 13, 18 , and 21. This is as low as the odds go for their lab. I feel really great about it. The NT ultrasound was AMAZING! They project the ultrasound on a big TV so you can see everything. We saw two arms, two legs, a brain, and a stomach. Oh, and we were able to see little, tiny fingers. I think Le Bebe looks like me in profile, MH didn't agree. Oh well, as the mother I get to be right about this one!

It also dawned on me yesterday that odds are this baby is going to be coming out one way or another. Labor and delivery has been such an abstract concept for me. It literally never occurred to me that I was going to have to get a baby out of me. I know this sounds stupid, but I have spent so much time researching getting pregnant that things like birth and newborn care seem very far out of my scope.

I am experiencing a few new pregnancy symptoms, namely pregnancy brain and hormonal crying jags. The other day I couldn't think of the word lunch...I told my co-worker I was going to eat the meal you have in the middle of the day. I am NOT kidding!!! It was embarrassing. I also spent a good minute staring into the fridge wondering where the silverware was to set the table. Oh, and as some of you know I am a crier, but now it has become almost daily and nearly hysterical in nature like when MH wouldn't go get me McDonald's right that second. This was obviously because he didn't love me or want our child, not because he needed to put on his shirt and shoes.

I think things have worked out on the job front. MH is going to be working in Chapel Hill, NC for a couple months as a consultant, and them move to CT in a full-time position. I will be staying here and working until the baby comes.

12w2d Nervous

I'm feeling slightly unsettled right now. I am worried about the NT scan tomorrow. I just want our baby to be healthy. The stroller came yesterday. We put it together last night, and now it's just sitting in the dining room looking menacing. I know that sounds silly, but I feel like it is just waiting to torture me for ever thinking we will have a real, live baby.

I'm also feeling stressed about MH's job situation. He has had a semi-formal offer made by a hedge fund in Connecticut. The fund needs to schedule time for MH to come to Connecticut meet the COO, and finalize his salary. This all happened Monday. Now, we are waiting on pins and needles to hear back about the meeting date. I know the COO is a busy man, but come on SET A DATE this pregnant lady needs a plan!

12w1d: Precious

We heard the heart beat at today's appointment. It took the Dr. (seemingly) forever to find it. I thought I might just have a heart attack right then and there! Then she found it. I can't even describe how beautiful a sound it was. I, of course, cried and cried.

We have our anatomy scan at the end of April, and will be able to find out the gender if Le Bebe will cooperate. So very exciting. My blood pressure was a little elevated, but not high and the Dr. isn't worried. My weight gain looks good, and praise be I got a prescription for a stool softener. We also decided to schedule an induction later down the road. I know inductions are somewhat controversial, but we had to make a decision that will be best for our family.

I'm going to tell my extended family that we are expecting this weekend as long as the NT scan on Thursday looks good. YAY!

12w: Amazed

Twelve weeks today. I have an OB appointment tomorrow where we will (hopefully) hear the heart beat with the Doppler. I'm actually excited about it. Then on Thursday we go out of town for our NT scan. MH is hoping to see a penis. I'm afraid he's going to be terribly disappointed (I think it is still too early), but I will let the Dr. crush his hopes.

In a fit of total optimism and confidence I bought a stroller for 30% off. It is our 'dream' stroller-which I can't believe my life has taken a turn where I have a dream stroller! We also talked about having a real, live baby. SCARY! MH is officially excited, but still a little scared.

Oh, and Le Bebe is the size of a lime today!

11w2d: Fig

I meant to add this on Monday. The Wiblet is the size of a fig this week. Are you excited?

11w1d: Happy?!

Happiness isn't something I typically let myself indulge in. It seems kind of false and naive. Don't people know that happiness can be taken away in an instant? But, I have been feeling waves of contentment, and well joy lately. I am so incredibly thankful right now. I can't get over how lucky I am. I'm married to a wonderful, funny man, I'm pregnant, I have a job with benefits, I have a wonderful family, and fabulous friends. Does it get better than this?

One of the things that has really struck a chord with me in therapy is that I live a very diminished life. Some of it is the OCD and the anxiety, but some of it is me making conscious choices. I know I'm in danger of sounding a little new-agey, but I want to experience my life. I'm so tired of being afraid all the time; afraid to love my husband all the way, afraid to bond with my baby. I already live like all the bad things I imagine have happened...that's the really sick part. I make a choice not to talk to MH about the baby. I make a choice not to daydream about growing old with MH. What good is my life like this? I wish happiness came easily to me. I had a few good days living in the moment, but then all the anxieties of the blood work, hearing the heart beat, and the NT scan came rushing back. How can I maintain my joyful feelings while perpetually waiting for the other shoe to drop?

I Feel Like I Need to Address This...

I know that my anonymous commenter didn't mean to be hurtful, or insulting in their comment about 'being concerned only with what I can control,' but it stung. I wish and pray every night that I could stop the ruminating. Believe me if it was that easy I would have stopped long, long ago. I guess the seemingly innocuous comment set off some things that I really struggle with; namely the way we sweep mental illness under the rug in this country. I could go on and on about public policy, pharmaceutical companies, shifty therapists, lack of education, and lack of funding, but I'll talk about my own experience instead.

I am mentally ill. I have a diagnosis...two actually: generalized anxiety disorder and OCD. When I talk about it to my own husband he tries to downplay it as just being a 'worrier,' and says that I am not really sick. Living a life where your partner can't accept a part of you is awful. He will never understand, my family will never understand, nor will my friends. These people love me a great deal, but they will never get it. They all to some degree think I should just have a little more will power or try just a little more. Would they tell a diabetic to just try a little harder to produce and metabolize insulin? No, they would be sympathetic; they would want to walk in charity walks, give to foundations because diabetes is a 'legitimate' disease. This is not a life I have chosen for myself. I don't like feeling this way.

I can't even describe what is like to have your brain take you hostage. I can't let my mind wander for a second. I have to be constantly on guard for any thought that could lead to a downward spiral. When I read the paper I wonder if the articles are trying to warn me about all the bad things that could happen. My mind convinces me that terrible, horrific things will happen to those I love if I don't worry about every worst case scenario. The OCD has made me think I have magical powers...that I have supreme control over events if I just ruminate on them long enough. Example: I didn't really worry about having a miscarriage with my first pregnancy and BAM what happened!!! I wasn't being vigilant enough. I caused it, and I could have prevented it. I know in my rational brain that there is no way I caused a miscarriage by not worrying about it, but when the OCD/emotional part of my brain takes over I become all powerful and there is no amount of logic that will convince me otherwise.

I guess I just wanted to say that we are out here walking among you. I don't hear things, I don't see things, nor am I dangerous, but all the same I am what mentally ill looks like.

10w1d: First OB Appointment

I made it to the OB for something other than a PAP smear! The visit took FOREVER because my doctor was also delivering a baby, but I guess that's the name of the game. I thought it would be a lot more, well exciting, I guess. The nurse asked a few questions, I peed in a cup, got weighed, had my blood pressure taken, and gave a TON of blood. I am nervous wreck about my blood work. Hopefully, I don't have Hep or syphilis or worse. I debated about sharing this worry, but it's what's in my head now. Of course, all the results won't be back for a week so I can continue to torture myself. YAY! I'm really not doing very well with my anxiety/OCD right now. I feel like I'm drowning, but I do have an appointment with my shrink tomorrow maybe she can rework the few meds I can take to make me feel halfway stable.

The maternal fetal medicine (MFM) office called this morning to schedule our NT scan (Downs Syndrome screening). I was really stressed about scheduling this appointment, but of course (as usual) nothing I worried about going wrong happened...I didn't have to fight with the OB to get a referral, my OB faxed everything, the MFM office called, they were able to fit me in. Why am I so crazy? I can't believe how much time I spent (wasted) worrying about something that has become very routine.

My blood pressure was high at my visit...in the 140s...higher than it's ever been. I hope I was just nervous, but honestly I have been much, much more nervous at previous appointments like my m/c confirmation appointment and my first u/s. I hope that is lower next time, but I'm not so sure.

9w3d: Graduated from the RE!!!

What a milestone...I don't have to go back to my RE anymore, well until the next time we want to have a baby. I'm going to go the OB...WOO-HOO!

The ultrasound was perfect. Le Bebe actually looked somewhat baby-like, and measured exactly on track 9w2d!!!! YAY!! It wiggled around a bit, but stopped...I think it sensed we were staring intently. Maybe Le Bebe is shy? Hmmmmm....modesty is not going to be welcome because I am going to show this baby off until it's own grandmother is sick to death of looking at it!!!!

I'm feeling really good right now. I was telling MH at lunch yesterday that we were going to have a real, live baby, and he just looked at me like I was crazy, and said "Well, yeah what did you think was going to happen when you are doing fertility treatments." This kind of thinking amazes me, and well angers me a bit too. Doesn't he know that there a women out there who have done everything under the sun, and don't have a real, live baby? I guess there is still a part of me that never thought all our trying would end in an actual baby.

As my therapist said on Tuesday..."There is absolutely no evidence that you will not have a real, live baby in October. You need to start living in the here and now." So for today that's just what I'm going to do.

9wks Wake Me up in Three Weeks

I'm so ready for the first trimester to be over. I thought (and promised myself) that I was going to enjoy this precious time blah, blah, blah. I can't. I just freaking can't. I'm terrified around the clock. I use all my distraction techniques, but I can't block out the fear.

This morning I thought I had some spotting, but it was just the discharge from my prometrium suppositories. I know this sounds dumb, but the yellow gunk on pink underwear looks kind of spotting like. So, yet another pair of underwear I can't wear. I don't wear any underwear that I can't clearly detect spotting in. I also have to use a special stall in the bathroom at work that has the most light so I can thoroughly inspect both the TP and my undies. This is not to gross you out, but simply illustrative of how crazy I feel.

I really thought after seeing the heartbeat I'd be able to relax a little bit. Well, actually I did for a whole 12 hours after the ultrasound. I suspect that the fear is getting a little stronger because my next u/s is on Wednesday. I'm so afraid that the baby has died, and my body hasn't caught on and we'll be staring a a blank screen on Wednesday.

I'm also driving those around me insane with all my worrying. I can't make it stop. I'm beginning to wonder if having a child is the best choice for my mental health. Everyone says the worry never stops. I can't feel this way for the rest of my life....

8w2d Still in Shock

I can't believe that I am pregnant. Everyday I promise myself that I am going to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop, that I am going to enjoy myself, but I can't. I guess it's magical thinking that keeps me in this state. I firmly believe that if I worry about it enough and go through all the worst case scenarios that I can prevent bad things from happening. I promise myself that after the next ultrasound I'll relax, but I know that the next ultrasound will just lead to the next and the next and the next. Soon it will be, "I'll relax when the baby's here" that will probably turn into "I'll just go ahead and and relax when I'm dead." I wish I could turn my brain off...and yes I am in therapy and working on all my anxiety issues! Unfortunately, I rationalize all my worst-case scenarios by telling myself that I've had a miscarriage, bad things happen to good people, and I'm not out of the first trimester yet.

MH and I don't really even talk about having a real live baby with each other. It seems too risky. Once again I've managed to completely ruin what should be one of the happiest times of my life. I really hate myself sometimes. Sigh.

7w4d We Have a Heart Beat

The first ultrasound was yesterday, and we saw beautiful little heart beat. We have one perfect little baby, MH was hoping for twins, but it's only one. Le bebe was measuring 6w6d, but the RE said that anything +/- 7 days of gestational age was completely normal and will usually catch up in a few weeks. I have pictures to post, but I have somehow lost the software required to re-install my printer so as soon as I can I will delight you with pictures of the little blob and you can see just how cute it really is (I know you are all dying to look at grainy pictures of my uterus!)

I told my mom on Valentine's Day. Le bebe sent her a card and some flowers, so sweet! I told my dad last night, and he promised to keep mum unlike last time...hopefully he will! I've also come out to all my friends so now I can quit acting all sketchy and avoiding them!

Our next u/s is March 4th. The RE said it will look like a baby next time and will be moving around. I also got to make an OB appointment for March 10th. Honestly, I never thought I would be seeing my gyno for anything other than a PAP smear!!!!

6w2d I Want Morning Sickness

I never thought I would begging for morning sickness, but here I am. Every morning I wonder "Is today the day?" Morning sickness seems so reassuring. It's the cardinal sign of really being pregnant, and I want it. I want it all. Horror of horrors I have even been entertaining the idea of natural child-birth!!!! Yes, I am crazy, and I fully, fully expect to change my mind on this point. Yes, I may in fact be turning into one of those weird crunchy-granola mothers who hang around Weaver Street Market (my CH girls will know EXACTLY what I'm talking about) picture Whole Foods on crack...expounding the virtues of hemp baby wear and making your own organic/vegan baby food.

I digress. I read in my Mayo Clinic book that morning sickness and other pregnancy symptoms before 8 weeks lessens the risk of miscarriage. So, obviously I want to have as many symptoms as humanly possible. I'm so terrified that le bebe is going to be dead, or that there won't even be a baby in the sac at my ultrasound. I've tried to talk to MH about this, but he just gets pissed at me for not be positive and not trusting the RE. For the record the RE said "It would probably be fine." That's all you get in this life-probably. Probably is not definitely...they can't promsie that. Why can't he understand that bad things happen to infertiles everyday? Miscarriages, blighted ovums, dead babies, pre-term labor resulting in dead babies these things happen, and it is a reality. It is not something I've made up like contracting ebola from the strange coughing man next to me on the T. I know I am a hypochodriac, OK I KNOW! I guess I need him to admit that yes things could go wrong, but that we'll go on, that we'll survive, and that we'll keep trying.

Retroactive Post X: 5w5d First Ultrasound

OMG!!! I'm so excited. I scheduled Le Bebe's first ultrasound this morning. It will be February 2oth at 11:00 AM. I can't wait to see our little one's heartbeat for the first time. Seeing the heartbeat is HUGE; from what I've read 85% of pregnancies are successful if the heartbeat is seen.

We have decided to start telling people after this ultrasound. I can't wait. I've thought about waiting until the first trimester is over, but figured there was really no point. I would wind up telling the people I'm going to tell if something went wrong anyway so it doesn't really matter to me. As I've said I would have told everyone the second we found out if it hadn't been for MH. I guess I've never really understood the waiting to tell people thing, but I think I'm more 'out there' with my life than most. Technically, I'm not telling everyone- only close friends and family...no co-workers, no acquaintances...so I guess I have some modesty! I would prefer to tell people at work when the baby is actually here...HAHA! I'm not close to anyone at work so I'm not sure how to drop it into conversation.

I'm having a really hard time not telling my mother. Every time we talk I want to scream "I'm pregnant!" Maybe she already knows since I haven't been complaining and crying AND I never told her it didn't work. I need to think of a cute way to tell her....

Retroactive Post IX: 5w4d Milestones

I have officially been pregnant longer than I ever have before! WOO-HOO! I also got my third beta back today.....7, 689!!!! That is a great, great number. It had a doubling time of about 42 hours remember normal doubling times are 48-72 hrs so this is fantastic.

For my last beta the nurse called back at around 11:00am. This time 11:00 came and went so I called back and left my nurse a message. Still no call back at 2:00. My nerves were completely shot...I had to go out and sit in my car and cry. I was so nervous. I thought I had experienced some nerves before HA, let me tell you there is nothing like waiting for a call that will determine if you are going to be a mom! SOOOOOO...I called back and asked if my nurse was in the office because she usually calls you back quickly. She was OUT OF THE OFFICE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, why the receptionist couldn't have told me this I don't know. Finally another nurse left me a message saying things were 'perfect.' Thank God!

Retroactive Post VIII: 5w1d Heartburn, Hunger, and Toxic Gas! YAY!!!

I'm still pregnant! I can't believe it. The trips to the bathroom to check for blood have decreased, and I have become a little more confident that things are going to be OK. I have my next beta on Wednesday. I'm not quite sure what my numbers should be, probably somewhere between 3500 and 4500. I'm trying my hardest not to be too nervous, and remain positive. Afterall, this embryo has given every indication that it will be healthy and strong.

I relaxed with MH this weekend, and took measurements for the crib. Luckily, it will fit in the small space alloted! I feel much better after figuring out all the logistics of fitting a baby in our cramped living quarters. I had visions of tucking baby into a dresser drawer! I never really allowed myself to think about what we would do with a real live baby so I've been feeling stressed out about having enough room. I guess I never thought we would need room!!!

I had my first bout of heartburn this weekend. It was really great. I felt like a normal pregnant woman. My friends and probably my family know that I LOVE to fart. I LOVE it...it's like a calling. I can't even explain the rockin' gas I've been having...it's AWESOME. I can't wait to share. OK, enough grossness...

Retroactive Post VII: 4w4d or DOUBLE

My beta doubled. It was 499 to be exact. I can't even begin to describe what a relief this is. I cried and cried in my little cube after I got off the phone with the nurse. I couldn't even call MH right away. I could only cry tears of joy, thanks, and relief. I never in a million years thought that some of the best moments of my life would occur at work on the phone with a nurse I barely know!

Today also marks the longest I have ever been pregnant so it has been one incredible day for me. I'm still afraid, but I'm not paralyzed by it. We'll wait until next Thursday when the third and final beta is due for the next installment of terror. Welcome to motherhood, I guess. I get the sneaking suspiscion that I will live in continual state of fear for my child so I better get a grip on it.

I'm really starting to get excited now. I can't wait to tell my friends I am DYING! They better all cry tears of joy and buy me lots and lots of cute baby stuff! I kid, I kid...sort of!

I'll wrap up this up with my first really embarassing/hilarious pregnancy story. I cannot get enough water, truly at work I drink about 90-100oz! So, naturally I have to pee um, every 3.45 seconds. Well, last night I make my 14, 734th visit to le potty and then head back to bed. I'm there for approximately a minute maybe a minute and half when I feel the urge to pee again. F*&K!!! (I don't think urge accurately describes it in my defense) Yes, my friends I wet the bed. I couldn't get up fast enough. It was like I lost control of bladder. I hope this is the first and last time for that. Luckily, I have a fabulous mattress cover!

Retroactive Post VI: 4w3d or Elated/Terrified

When you see an RE, and get pregnant it is standard to have betas run. A beta is simply a blood test that measures the amount of pregnancy hormone (HCG). Betas are good indicators of the viability of your pregnancy, and are something that newly pregnant infertiles spend hours (literally) comparing and analyzing. There is a great website called betabase.info that collects numbers so you can easily compare.



Well, I had my first beta drawn on Monday (15dpo) and it was 235!!! WOO-HOO! That is a great number, on betabase the median beta for 15dpo was 136 for a singleton and 263 for twins so I'm doing great. In contrast with my first pregnancy at 16dpo my beta was only 51. All in all, my newest beta warmed the cold, steel cockles of my heart.



Then about two hours later I realized that the more accurate indicator of viability would be this morning's beta. It is a CRUEL world. You see most REs like to see your beta double in 48-72 hours. My RE only likes for it to go up 60%, but I've never really heard of an RE doing this so I'm really only going to be happy if I see it double. So basically I am back in beta Hell again until I get my results tomorrow around lunchtime. UGG! Only 26.5 hours give or take to go!

Retroactive Post V: 4w1d Scared and Excited

I had my first blood draw today. I hope my numbers are nice and high. I won't find out until tomorrow. The number on Wednesday is even more important. My RE likes to see it go up by 60%. The number should double in 48-72 hours so it's going to be a long, tense wait in our house.



The fear began to set in this morning. I've run to the bathroom and checked my underwear for blood about 25 times today. I'm trying so hard not to give in to this fear and let it consume me. I'm trying to enjoy every second that I am pregnant. I don't feel as connected with this baby/embryo whatever you want to call it. I still feel like this isn't even happening. Don't get me wrong I sometimes have flashes where I let myself daydream. I've daydreamed about telling my mom. I can't wait to tell her. I can't wait to tell my grandma; she will be so tickled...this will be her first great-grandchild. See, I can be positive! I want this so badly.

Retroactive Post IV: 12dpiui or January 25, 2008

I woke up feeling nervous this morning so I had to (yes, really had to) POAS again. It was of course still positive and darker than yesterday's. In general I'm feeling much more positive about this pregnancy. I think because I got such an early BFP (big f'ing positive), and because Femara tends to make better quality eggs versus Clomid. I read an article that studied 200 women, and 100% of the women who had later implantation (after 12dpo) subsequently had a miscarriage. I'm hoping that the problem last time was only late implantation.

I still have that niggling worry in the back of my head, though. I will never again be completely innocent. I'm very worried about this being a healthy pregnancy, but I think at some level I am still in denial about actually being pregnant which seems to dull the worry a bit.

I have my first beta blood work on Monday. I'm just a little nervous about it. I hope that the number is nice and high, but the next beta is on Wednesday. I'm more worried about Wednesday's because it is critical to determining viability. The numbers should double in 48-72 hrs. Of course, we had perfect doubling last time so I am really hoping to make it until Feb. 6th that will be a milestone. Then I want to make it to the first u/s, and have a healthy heartbeat. So it looks like I will continue to wait and wait.

Retroactive Post III: Faith

Infertility really brought me back to God. Say what you will, but I needed Him to get me through this. I knew nothing else would really help. I didn't know and still don't know what God's plan is for me, but I knew that if I couldn't have bio children that I would need something to lean on. I don't know if it's hypocritical to turn to God only when something bad happens, but I hope not. Anyway...I have this bible that has a reading for everyday of the year. The week of our IUI my passages were all about Sarah, perhaps the most famous infertile of all! She said something to the effect of "God gave me laughter" when speaking of becoming pregnant at long last. I think she was speaking of the irony of having a child so late in life, and overcoming infertility even thought no one really believed she would. This is what I began praying for...laughter. I wanted to laugh at my situation, laugh in infertility's face, and hear the laughter of my child.



This baby is a miracle. Despite the drugs, the doctors, and the IUI this baby's only creator is God. I will never stop thanking Him for blessing me again.

Retroactive Post II: January 24, 2008 or 11dpiui

I was feeling so negative about this whole thing by 10dpiui. All I could think about was the RE telling us before the IUI that there was only a 15-20% chance of this being successful. Those are not good odds...plus I really only had one big follicle. I was so discouraged. I actually emailed Dewy at 10dpiui, and told her I just wanted my period to start already, that I was done with this, fed up, and hopeless. Of course, she gave me a wonderful pep talk, and brought me in from the ledge. I was so so tired when I got home from work that night I fell asleep at around 7:30, very unusual even for Grandma Frump!

Well, when I woke up 12 hrs later I decided what the heck I'll test. The stick looked like something might be developing, but I couldn't really tell so I went to get ready for work and talk myself out of any excitement. When I came back to the bedroom (I like to keep them on the nightstand because I lay in bed and stare at them, even the negative ones at night before bed) to get dressed there was a second pink line!!!!!!!! I was shocked and amazed beyond belief. I took the test and woke the ever-suffering husband up, and yet again shoved a pee stick in his face. He saw the line too. We're expecting again!!!

Retroactive Post I: Back story and Apology

OK, I totally L-I-E-D about the IUI not working, and I'm incredibly sorry. I hope you can forgive me and understand why I did. Since most of my fair readers are, I think, friends and family we (cough, cough MH) didn't want to come out of the closet. MH is afraid of another miscarriage and having to untell people. Since he is my baby-daddy clearly, I must acquiesce to this, but I'm writing all of these posts in real time.

I began taking Femara, a breast cancer drug that also induces ovulation, in the beginning of January. Then on CD3, I had to go in for an ultrasound to make sure I was cyst-free, and obviously, I was. Then they ordered my drugs from a mail-order pharmacy. I got a trigger shot which is HCG that begins the process of ovualtion and lovely vaginal progesterone suppositories. On CD11, I went in for another ultrasound to check for follicle growth. My RE likes to see follicles that are 19-20mm before you can give yourself the trigger shot. I had a 16 and an 11.5. I was soooo bummed. We were on a very tight timeline before MH's surgery. So the nurse wanted me to use OPKs to detect a surge and then call back to schedule IUI. On CD13, I thought my OPK was positive so I called the office they told me to give the trigger shot and come in the next morning for the IUI. I was terrified of the shot. You have to mix it yourself...scary! I got it mixed and tapped all the air out; I was so paranoid about killing myself with an air bubble. Then I stuck myself in the stomach. It was nothing; I mean I didn't even feel it! Unfortunately, HCG causes a huge burning welt under your skin that feels like thousands of fire ants under you skin stinging you for nearly a week.IUI day was also a breeze. I was so nervous. I had all these fears that somehow MH's count would come back at zero, or that he would get performance anxiety. Of course, none of this happened his count was wonderful. My RE wasn't there since it was Sunday, but the RE on-call was so nice. They insert a catheter into your uterus, and put the washed sperm in then BAM it's over.

The waiting begins. Everything about getting pregnant involves waiting. It's too bad patience isn't one of my virtues. MH's back surgery did serve as a nice distraction. He's fine, and scooting around with his little walker. I think the recovery period is going to be about three months.

Dewey's Knocked Up!!!

My dear comrade in arms is having a baby! She's 13 weeks, I think 14 on Friday! YAY! They had a great first trimester ultrasound, and everything looks good with le bebe!

I admit that it was very hard to hear she was pregnant so soon after my miscarriage. I know that my situation scared her. Neither of us ever imagined that someone with fertility issues could also be unlucky enough to suffer a miscarriage too obviously, we were wrong. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt. (You would think it would be the other way around!) I felt like I was raining on her parade and taking the joy out of one of the happiest times in her life. I was afraid that she wouldn't want to be my friend anymore because I was such a Debbie Downer. Fortunately, for me Dewey is made of tougher stuff than that!!!

I guess my whole point besides a hearty CONGRATULATIONS to Dewey and her husband, would be that there is no guidebook for this kind of stuff, but life does go on and there are success stories! Keep the faith!

How the Other Half Lives

I have a co-worker with my would have been due-date. This woman is perfectly nice, but a (large) part of me hates her guts. Why was she the chosen one? This woman already has 2 children, and she gleefully tells everyone that this one was an accident. HA! I can't even imagine an accident.

She also told everyone at work at about 6 weeks, right when she found out! What must that kind of confidence feel like? I regret even telling my mother. I never want to un-tell anyone ever again! Does she not know that things can go wrong? Can she be that innocent?

When I brought MH home from the hospital there was a family loading a brand-new baby girl into their car, and I lost it...in front of God and everybody. What if I never get to put a baby into the car? What then?

Forced Break

We did an IUI. It didn't work. MH had back surgery. He can't participate in any strenous activity for 3 months. No more baby making until mid-April the beginning of May. Pretty much this just sucks.

DSM-IV

I have a new one for the DSM-IV: Infertility Induced Manic-Depressive Disorder. OK, I really hate the phrase 'emotional roller coaster' it so something 'that girl' would say! I've decided to use IIMDD instead...much more clinical!

Usually, IIMDD begins with CD (cycle day)1, this is the first day of your period, by this time you have accepted you're not pregnant and have cried it out. On CD1 you call your RE and set up an appointment for a clearing ultrasound, this is to check for cysts may have developed after using meds the previous month. This ultrasound seals your fate for the cycle, having cysts means you are out of the game until next month. You feel pretty good CD1, ready to go, you just KNOW this is you month...then you wake up on CD2 and are worried sick about having cysts...CRAP where are the good feelings from yesterday? CD3 you've had your ultrasound. If you have cysts you sob all the way home or to work (and probably alternate between tears and outrage for the rest of the day). If you are lucky enough to be cyst free you feel GREAT, it is like being high, you are invincible. You cavalierly pick out baby bedding, pick colors for the nursery, review your baby names, buy OPKs and pregnancy tests with abandon, imagine not needing tampons for the next 9 months (sigh). Then around CD4 or 5 you crash. The doubt creeps in, what if you don't ovulate, what if your trigger shot doesn't work, what if your follicles shrink, what if your husband can't perform on the day of IUI, what if his sperm have all mysteriously died, what if... The cycle continues on and on. Highs you think will never end, and the lows that you think you will never climb out of. It makes you feel really and truly crazy.

I am in the throes of IIMDD right now. I've had my magical CD3 ultrasound-all clear...we are a go!!! I was so freaking happy. We have a plan and a little calendar mapping out medicine and my cycle. I took my first Femara pill. My trigger shot and Prometrium suppositories will be here Friday. Then I woke up on CD4 terrified and depressed. Why should this work? There is only a 20-30% chance it will be successful. What if my follicles don't grow before it is time for MH's back surgery? If they don't all of this is for naught. They need to be 19 or 20 mm by Saturday January, 12 to have a chance at IUI. I am only taking 2.5mg; the success stories I have read have all taken 5mg or more. Why is my RE starting me on so little? I hate this, but I'm sure that any day now I will be super optimistic again.