Addict

Why can't I control myself? Why do I have to pee on every stick I have in the house? I know that 9dpo (days past ovulation) is waaaaay too early, I know that 10dpo is still very early, yet I pee and pray. Now I am feeling discouraged and angry at myself. No good can come from POAS early, unless of course you are in fact pregnant. I suppose that is the crux of the whole dang problem.

After seeing the stark white test this morning I began to make myself the same old promises; "I won't POAS until 14dpo, I won't, I really won't.' Who am I kidding? I know I'll hit the Dollar Tree this afternoon and restock. This way I don't feel guilty about wasting money on the negative pee sticks. I even visited peeonastick.com this morning to see which brands detected the lowest amount of hcG. I found one that detected 12.5mL lab studies; that's probably half the amount in other brands, but their official position is still 25mL so I'm not sure that I can justify it.

Until, tomorrow or maybe not. I'm really, really, really going to try not to test until Saturday!!! I Promise!!!

It's "O" fficial!

See I'm punny like that! Ok enough, enough! My body lurves the Clomid! I had my bloodwork done on 3dpo (days past ovulation). At 7dpo they like to see your progesterone at 15 or above for a medicated cycle, although anything over 5 indicates ovulatory activity. Mine was 16.9!!!! So I am already ahead of the game for once in my life. My 3 biggest follicles were 17 mm, 20 mm, and 21 mm my gyno considers anything 16 to be mature. She said it was 'absolutely perfect' ovulation. Ahhh, like Mark Twain I could live for weeks on that compliment.

I feel so good right now, and I'm going to enjoy it this weekend.

Frustration!

OK, so I had my ultrasound and blood work done today. The blood draw was fine, but when I mentioned the ultrasound the nurse says she doesn't see a note about it, and the ultrasound lady is only there Mondays and Wednesdays. Finally, they track down my doctor...who says that yes I do in fact need an ultrasound. She did look at my chart and said it looked "great." I was pleased with that...it seemed encouraging. Well, they get me squeezed in at the hospital for my ultrasound. The tech of course can't tell me anything beyond I have big follicles on my left ovary. Great, thanks. Also, my blood work won't be back until Monday.

I'm not having a good feeling about gyno's office. My Dr. seems competent, but her staff is effin' useless. I'm sorry I don't need to get crap from the receptionist at my my freaking gyno's office. I don't need dirty looks because YOU screwed up and didn't schedule my ultrasound!!!! I'm sorry that I called to clarify that I don't progesterone suppositories because I LOVE LOVE LOVE sticking weird gooey capsules up my va-jay-jay! I'm sorry that my infertility is disturbing you watching Dr. Phil on the waiting room TV.

All this makes me want to go back to RE's office. At least the nurses freaking know what PCOS is. (Oh yeah, my nurse today couldn't understand what a cyst was, and why I needed an ultrasound.) But, I would have to go back to gyno eventually, and frankly I've never had a good doctor's office before so why should this be any different!? Why do doctor's hire the rudest people they can possibly find? All the office people sound so freaking put out when you call. It drives me bonkers. I'm sorry it's your effin' JOB to answer the phones. If you don't like it quit. I know my therapist would say that I need to let this go, and 'not give her the power.' UGH! Ok, I'm going to let it go....

I just want this to work, and I want to feel like the people in charge of making it happen are doing their jobs. MH and I can't make this baby by ourselves.

UPDATE: Dr. just called I have 3 or 4 good follicles. She can't tell if I ovulated without the blood work which will be back before lunch tomorrow! YAY! So far so good...

In the Two Week Wait (hopefully!)

The two week wait (2ww) is the dreaded two weeks between ovulation and your period. It spooks the fertiles and the infertiles alike, not does it matter if you're hoping to see your period or praying for her to miss your house.

My temp rose this morning into ovulation range, and I had a +OPK so I feel sort of, kind of hopeful that this was the month, of course I could have been hot this morning and tomorrow my temp could plummet. I also have my appointment with my gyno tomorrow. So that should provide concrete news either way. They'll do an ultrasound and some blood work, so keep your fingers crossed and say some prayers.

Of course I am going to use this time to analyze every twinge and symptom. Nausea is not the met...I'm PG. I'm tired because I'm PG...not because I stayed up too late watching Law and Order. I have to pee because I'm PG...not because I drank 4 glasses of water. I need that bag of chips, donut, fries, shake, McDonald's for the baby...DUH! That was implantation cramp not gas! I think my loved ones will want to have me committed...is there a Betty Ford for the 2ww? Maybe there should be. It would be like summer camp and a spa all in one, and you could pee on as many sticks as you wanted! Heaven!!!

That Girl...

You all know who 'that girl' is, but you swear that you'll never be her. You scoff at 'that girl' who calls her boyfriend a 100 times a night becoming a little more shrewish each time until she finally screams 'Where are youuuuuuu? Why don't you love meeeeeee?' into his voicemail at three o'clock in the morning. You roll your eyes at 'that girl' who dismisses every sign he's just not that into her...'It's only been 4, 057 hours and 11 minutes, he'll call! We had a connection!" You laugh out loud when you hear 'that girl' say, 'make love, soul mate, my heart hurts, he's the one, or he promised not to do that ever again because he loves me.' Then something shifts, you've been arrogant for too long, you thought you were impervious... you've become 'that girl.'
It probably starts off innocently...you're excited, but then you can't stop. Things fly out of your mouth...you hear yourself say things like 'cosmic and true love' in the same sentence. You vow to stop, but you're too far gone...

Well, I have become 'that girl.' I am long past finding 'true love.' Hopefully, I have found my 'soul mate' (ick I can't even type that with a straight face) since I am doing these GD fertility treatments. I think I am probably the foulest of all varieties of 'that girlness' that BABY girl!

When I was planning my wedding I found this website called The Knot. It had helpful hints, a good planning checklist, and message boards where you could post questions to people who honestly cared if your napkins where the right shade to match the tablecloths and how to word your invitations. Your friends love you, but they don't care...seriously they don't and it's OK! Anyway this site gave way to The Nest. On The Nest you can talk about marriage, houses, having babies, and all the other things that your friends (who love you) don't want to talk about. They don't know or care if you lawn person is ripping you off! So since I have plenty of time on my hands at work I read these things. I don't really post questions, but I am a voyeur what can I say! Also, I will always be thankful because this is how I found out about reproductive endocrinologists, and I have a wonderful support system of other infertiles. I promise I am making a point. There is a board called Babies on the Brain...all of these women are 'that girl.' Examples: 'Do U like the name Kayden or Brayden? It won't hurt my feelings if U don't ;)!' or 'It's been 2 months still not PG-Freaking out!' or ' Is it gross to give my PG test to my husband to tell him we're PG?!'

So I've smirked at 'those girls' all the while feeling very superior. Now I'm just an infertile subspecies of 'that girl.' Let's see here this week alone I have broken every single rule I made for myself in discussing my 'issues.' I have talked about my cervical mucus to all my lovely friends, talked about sex with my mother, talked about my temperatures to anyone with ears, said the words 'baby making sex,' left work to have baby making sex, called the doctors 3x to discuss ovulation, looked at baby stuff online, ate a hot dog because the 'egg' needed it and said this out loud to MH, bought a hokey gift to tell MH when we get PG, peed on multiple sticks to make sure I was ovulating (yes, just ovulating not PG), and I committed what in my mind are the cardinal sins --I shoved my pee sticks in MH's face and then took pictures of them (these were only ovulation tests not PG tests)!!!!!

So what's a girl to do....

PS I did not post the pics on this blog though so HA maybe I'm not really 'that girl'!