8w2d Still in Shock

I can't believe that I am pregnant. Everyday I promise myself that I am going to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop, that I am going to enjoy myself, but I can't. I guess it's magical thinking that keeps me in this state. I firmly believe that if I worry about it enough and go through all the worst case scenarios that I can prevent bad things from happening. I promise myself that after the next ultrasound I'll relax, but I know that the next ultrasound will just lead to the next and the next and the next. Soon it will be, "I'll relax when the baby's here" that will probably turn into "I'll just go ahead and and relax when I'm dead." I wish I could turn my brain off...and yes I am in therapy and working on all my anxiety issues! Unfortunately, I rationalize all my worst-case scenarios by telling myself that I've had a miscarriage, bad things happen to good people, and I'm not out of the first trimester yet.

MH and I don't really even talk about having a real live baby with each other. It seems too risky. Once again I've managed to completely ruin what should be one of the happiest times of my life. I really hate myself sometimes. Sigh.

7w4d We Have a Heart Beat

The first ultrasound was yesterday, and we saw beautiful little heart beat. We have one perfect little baby, MH was hoping for twins, but it's only one. Le bebe was measuring 6w6d, but the RE said that anything +/- 7 days of gestational age was completely normal and will usually catch up in a few weeks. I have pictures to post, but I have somehow lost the software required to re-install my printer so as soon as I can I will delight you with pictures of the little blob and you can see just how cute it really is (I know you are all dying to look at grainy pictures of my uterus!)

I told my mom on Valentine's Day. Le bebe sent her a card and some flowers, so sweet! I told my dad last night, and he promised to keep mum unlike last time...hopefully he will! I've also come out to all my friends so now I can quit acting all sketchy and avoiding them!

Our next u/s is March 4th. The RE said it will look like a baby next time and will be moving around. I also got to make an OB appointment for March 10th. Honestly, I never thought I would be seeing my gyno for anything other than a PAP smear!!!!

6w2d I Want Morning Sickness

I never thought I would begging for morning sickness, but here I am. Every morning I wonder "Is today the day?" Morning sickness seems so reassuring. It's the cardinal sign of really being pregnant, and I want it. I want it all. Horror of horrors I have even been entertaining the idea of natural child-birth!!!! Yes, I am crazy, and I fully, fully expect to change my mind on this point. Yes, I may in fact be turning into one of those weird crunchy-granola mothers who hang around Weaver Street Market (my CH girls will know EXACTLY what I'm talking about) picture Whole Foods on crack...expounding the virtues of hemp baby wear and making your own organic/vegan baby food.

I digress. I read in my Mayo Clinic book that morning sickness and other pregnancy symptoms before 8 weeks lessens the risk of miscarriage. So, obviously I want to have as many symptoms as humanly possible. I'm so terrified that le bebe is going to be dead, or that there won't even be a baby in the sac at my ultrasound. I've tried to talk to MH about this, but he just gets pissed at me for not be positive and not trusting the RE. For the record the RE said "It would probably be fine." That's all you get in this life-probably. Probably is not definitely...they can't promsie that. Why can't he understand that bad things happen to infertiles everyday? Miscarriages, blighted ovums, dead babies, pre-term labor resulting in dead babies these things happen, and it is a reality. It is not something I've made up like contracting ebola from the strange coughing man next to me on the T. I know I am a hypochodriac, OK I KNOW! I guess I need him to admit that yes things could go wrong, but that we'll go on, that we'll survive, and that we'll keep trying.

Retroactive Post X: 5w5d First Ultrasound

OMG!!! I'm so excited. I scheduled Le Bebe's first ultrasound this morning. It will be February 2oth at 11:00 AM. I can't wait to see our little one's heartbeat for the first time. Seeing the heartbeat is HUGE; from what I've read 85% of pregnancies are successful if the heartbeat is seen.

We have decided to start telling people after this ultrasound. I can't wait. I've thought about waiting until the first trimester is over, but figured there was really no point. I would wind up telling the people I'm going to tell if something went wrong anyway so it doesn't really matter to me. As I've said I would have told everyone the second we found out if it hadn't been for MH. I guess I've never really understood the waiting to tell people thing, but I think I'm more 'out there' with my life than most. Technically, I'm not telling everyone- only close friends and family...no co-workers, no acquaintances...so I guess I have some modesty! I would prefer to tell people at work when the baby is actually here...HAHA! I'm not close to anyone at work so I'm not sure how to drop it into conversation.

I'm having a really hard time not telling my mother. Every time we talk I want to scream "I'm pregnant!" Maybe she already knows since I haven't been complaining and crying AND I never told her it didn't work. I need to think of a cute way to tell her....

Retroactive Post IX: 5w4d Milestones

I have officially been pregnant longer than I ever have before! WOO-HOO! I also got my third beta back today.....7, 689!!!! That is a great, great number. It had a doubling time of about 42 hours remember normal doubling times are 48-72 hrs so this is fantastic.

For my last beta the nurse called back at around 11:00am. This time 11:00 came and went so I called back and left my nurse a message. Still no call back at 2:00. My nerves were completely shot...I had to go out and sit in my car and cry. I was so nervous. I thought I had experienced some nerves before HA, let me tell you there is nothing like waiting for a call that will determine if you are going to be a mom! SOOOOOO...I called back and asked if my nurse was in the office because she usually calls you back quickly. She was OUT OF THE OFFICE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, why the receptionist couldn't have told me this I don't know. Finally another nurse left me a message saying things were 'perfect.' Thank God!

Retroactive Post VIII: 5w1d Heartburn, Hunger, and Toxic Gas! YAY!!!

I'm still pregnant! I can't believe it. The trips to the bathroom to check for blood have decreased, and I have become a little more confident that things are going to be OK. I have my next beta on Wednesday. I'm not quite sure what my numbers should be, probably somewhere between 3500 and 4500. I'm trying my hardest not to be too nervous, and remain positive. Afterall, this embryo has given every indication that it will be healthy and strong.

I relaxed with MH this weekend, and took measurements for the crib. Luckily, it will fit in the small space alloted! I feel much better after figuring out all the logistics of fitting a baby in our cramped living quarters. I had visions of tucking baby into a dresser drawer! I never really allowed myself to think about what we would do with a real live baby so I've been feeling stressed out about having enough room. I guess I never thought we would need room!!!

I had my first bout of heartburn this weekend. It was really great. I felt like a normal pregnant woman. My friends and probably my family know that I LOVE to fart. I LOVE it...it's like a calling. I can't even explain the rockin' gas I've been having...it's AWESOME. I can't wait to share. OK, enough grossness...

Retroactive Post VII: 4w4d or DOUBLE

My beta doubled. It was 499 to be exact. I can't even begin to describe what a relief this is. I cried and cried in my little cube after I got off the phone with the nurse. I couldn't even call MH right away. I could only cry tears of joy, thanks, and relief. I never in a million years thought that some of the best moments of my life would occur at work on the phone with a nurse I barely know!

Today also marks the longest I have ever been pregnant so it has been one incredible day for me. I'm still afraid, but I'm not paralyzed by it. We'll wait until next Thursday when the third and final beta is due for the next installment of terror. Welcome to motherhood, I guess. I get the sneaking suspiscion that I will live in continual state of fear for my child so I better get a grip on it.

I'm really starting to get excited now. I can't wait to tell my friends I am DYING! They better all cry tears of joy and buy me lots and lots of cute baby stuff! I kid, I kid...sort of!

I'll wrap up this up with my first really embarassing/hilarious pregnancy story. I cannot get enough water, truly at work I drink about 90-100oz! So, naturally I have to pee um, every 3.45 seconds. Well, last night I make my 14, 734th visit to le potty and then head back to bed. I'm there for approximately a minute maybe a minute and half when I feel the urge to pee again. F*&K!!! (I don't think urge accurately describes it in my defense) Yes, my friends I wet the bed. I couldn't get up fast enough. It was like I lost control of bladder. I hope this is the first and last time for that. Luckily, I have a fabulous mattress cover!

Retroactive Post VI: 4w3d or Elated/Terrified

When you see an RE, and get pregnant it is standard to have betas run. A beta is simply a blood test that measures the amount of pregnancy hormone (HCG). Betas are good indicators of the viability of your pregnancy, and are something that newly pregnant infertiles spend hours (literally) comparing and analyzing. There is a great website called betabase.info that collects numbers so you can easily compare.



Well, I had my first beta drawn on Monday (15dpo) and it was 235!!! WOO-HOO! That is a great number, on betabase the median beta for 15dpo was 136 for a singleton and 263 for twins so I'm doing great. In contrast with my first pregnancy at 16dpo my beta was only 51. All in all, my newest beta warmed the cold, steel cockles of my heart.



Then about two hours later I realized that the more accurate indicator of viability would be this morning's beta. It is a CRUEL world. You see most REs like to see your beta double in 48-72 hours. My RE only likes for it to go up 60%, but I've never really heard of an RE doing this so I'm really only going to be happy if I see it double. So basically I am back in beta Hell again until I get my results tomorrow around lunchtime. UGG! Only 26.5 hours give or take to go!

Retroactive Post V: 4w1d Scared and Excited

I had my first blood draw today. I hope my numbers are nice and high. I won't find out until tomorrow. The number on Wednesday is even more important. My RE likes to see it go up by 60%. The number should double in 48-72 hours so it's going to be a long, tense wait in our house.



The fear began to set in this morning. I've run to the bathroom and checked my underwear for blood about 25 times today. I'm trying so hard not to give in to this fear and let it consume me. I'm trying to enjoy every second that I am pregnant. I don't feel as connected with this baby/embryo whatever you want to call it. I still feel like this isn't even happening. Don't get me wrong I sometimes have flashes where I let myself daydream. I've daydreamed about telling my mom. I can't wait to tell her. I can't wait to tell my grandma; she will be so tickled...this will be her first great-grandchild. See, I can be positive! I want this so badly.

Retroactive Post IV: 12dpiui or January 25, 2008

I woke up feeling nervous this morning so I had to (yes, really had to) POAS again. It was of course still positive and darker than yesterday's. In general I'm feeling much more positive about this pregnancy. I think because I got such an early BFP (big f'ing positive), and because Femara tends to make better quality eggs versus Clomid. I read an article that studied 200 women, and 100% of the women who had later implantation (after 12dpo) subsequently had a miscarriage. I'm hoping that the problem last time was only late implantation.

I still have that niggling worry in the back of my head, though. I will never again be completely innocent. I'm very worried about this being a healthy pregnancy, but I think at some level I am still in denial about actually being pregnant which seems to dull the worry a bit.

I have my first beta blood work on Monday. I'm just a little nervous about it. I hope that the number is nice and high, but the next beta is on Wednesday. I'm more worried about Wednesday's because it is critical to determining viability. The numbers should double in 48-72 hrs. Of course, we had perfect doubling last time so I am really hoping to make it until Feb. 6th that will be a milestone. Then I want to make it to the first u/s, and have a healthy heartbeat. So it looks like I will continue to wait and wait.

Retroactive Post III: Faith

Infertility really brought me back to God. Say what you will, but I needed Him to get me through this. I knew nothing else would really help. I didn't know and still don't know what God's plan is for me, but I knew that if I couldn't have bio children that I would need something to lean on. I don't know if it's hypocritical to turn to God only when something bad happens, but I hope not. Anyway...I have this bible that has a reading for everyday of the year. The week of our IUI my passages were all about Sarah, perhaps the most famous infertile of all! She said something to the effect of "God gave me laughter" when speaking of becoming pregnant at long last. I think she was speaking of the irony of having a child so late in life, and overcoming infertility even thought no one really believed she would. This is what I began praying for...laughter. I wanted to laugh at my situation, laugh in infertility's face, and hear the laughter of my child.



This baby is a miracle. Despite the drugs, the doctors, and the IUI this baby's only creator is God. I will never stop thanking Him for blessing me again.

Retroactive Post II: January 24, 2008 or 11dpiui

I was feeling so negative about this whole thing by 10dpiui. All I could think about was the RE telling us before the IUI that there was only a 15-20% chance of this being successful. Those are not good odds...plus I really only had one big follicle. I was so discouraged. I actually emailed Dewy at 10dpiui, and told her I just wanted my period to start already, that I was done with this, fed up, and hopeless. Of course, she gave me a wonderful pep talk, and brought me in from the ledge. I was so so tired when I got home from work that night I fell asleep at around 7:30, very unusual even for Grandma Frump!

Well, when I woke up 12 hrs later I decided what the heck I'll test. The stick looked like something might be developing, but I couldn't really tell so I went to get ready for work and talk myself out of any excitement. When I came back to the bedroom (I like to keep them on the nightstand because I lay in bed and stare at them, even the negative ones at night before bed) to get dressed there was a second pink line!!!!!!!! I was shocked and amazed beyond belief. I took the test and woke the ever-suffering husband up, and yet again shoved a pee stick in his face. He saw the line too. We're expecting again!!!

Retroactive Post I: Back story and Apology

OK, I totally L-I-E-D about the IUI not working, and I'm incredibly sorry. I hope you can forgive me and understand why I did. Since most of my fair readers are, I think, friends and family we (cough, cough MH) didn't want to come out of the closet. MH is afraid of another miscarriage and having to untell people. Since he is my baby-daddy clearly, I must acquiesce to this, but I'm writing all of these posts in real time.

I began taking Femara, a breast cancer drug that also induces ovulation, in the beginning of January. Then on CD3, I had to go in for an ultrasound to make sure I was cyst-free, and obviously, I was. Then they ordered my drugs from a mail-order pharmacy. I got a trigger shot which is HCG that begins the process of ovualtion and lovely vaginal progesterone suppositories. On CD11, I went in for another ultrasound to check for follicle growth. My RE likes to see follicles that are 19-20mm before you can give yourself the trigger shot. I had a 16 and an 11.5. I was soooo bummed. We were on a very tight timeline before MH's surgery. So the nurse wanted me to use OPKs to detect a surge and then call back to schedule IUI. On CD13, I thought my OPK was positive so I called the office they told me to give the trigger shot and come in the next morning for the IUI. I was terrified of the shot. You have to mix it yourself...scary! I got it mixed and tapped all the air out; I was so paranoid about killing myself with an air bubble. Then I stuck myself in the stomach. It was nothing; I mean I didn't even feel it! Unfortunately, HCG causes a huge burning welt under your skin that feels like thousands of fire ants under you skin stinging you for nearly a week.IUI day was also a breeze. I was so nervous. I had all these fears that somehow MH's count would come back at zero, or that he would get performance anxiety. Of course, none of this happened his count was wonderful. My RE wasn't there since it was Sunday, but the RE on-call was so nice. They insert a catheter into your uterus, and put the washed sperm in then BAM it's over.

The waiting begins. Everything about getting pregnant involves waiting. It's too bad patience isn't one of my virtues. MH's back surgery did serve as a nice distraction. He's fine, and scooting around with his little walker. I think the recovery period is going to be about three months.

Dewey's Knocked Up!!!

My dear comrade in arms is having a baby! She's 13 weeks, I think 14 on Friday! YAY! They had a great first trimester ultrasound, and everything looks good with le bebe!

I admit that it was very hard to hear she was pregnant so soon after my miscarriage. I know that my situation scared her. Neither of us ever imagined that someone with fertility issues could also be unlucky enough to suffer a miscarriage too obviously, we were wrong. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt. (You would think it would be the other way around!) I felt like I was raining on her parade and taking the joy out of one of the happiest times in her life. I was afraid that she wouldn't want to be my friend anymore because I was such a Debbie Downer. Fortunately, for me Dewey is made of tougher stuff than that!!!

I guess my whole point besides a hearty CONGRATULATIONS to Dewey and her husband, would be that there is no guidebook for this kind of stuff, but life does go on and there are success stories! Keep the faith!