I am beginning to feel like a fertility fraud. In my quest to find support and information I have stumbled upon an Internet message board. Basically, it's a group of anonymous women posting questions, feelings, or whatever about infertility. It's great, although I feel that between this and the blog I can no longer call anyone a geek. I suppose that's OK because I have all sorts of secret nerd behaviors!
As I read about these women, and the struggles they have been through I feel incredibly guilty. Some of them have been trying for 2 or 3 years with no success. They have been through countless failed IUIs and IVFs. These stories frighten and amaze me. It terrifies me because our doctor is so positive that we will be successful in a relatively short amount of time, but I assume so were the doctors of some of these women. What if this happens to me? MH's age is a factor; we don't have 2-3 years. The strength that these women have floors me. I can't imagine seeing negative pregnancy tests month after month after month. How do these women keep the faith? How do they forge ahead into the unknown, in the face of defeat say, 'I know this month is my month,'? Do I have this courage and stamina? Do I want it bad enough? Am I strong enough to face a single line on a pregnancy test even once? We wound up in that doctor's office thinking something was wrong with MH, and it turns out it is me. We found my PCOS by accident, or rather divine intervention, I suppose. I found out before waiting the requisite year of 'trying on your own' that I have a problem. How can I claim to belong with these women, these seasoned veterans of the war on infertility?
The truth is MH and I haven't even 'really' tried to get pregnant. We feel like we have been shoved into the gauntlet. Our plan to wait and try later in the year when we 'feel' more ready has been cast aside. We now feel an urgency because we know how long this could take. I am terrified that we will run out of time. I'm afraid MH won't want to start the second I ovulate. I'm afraid he'll assume everything is OK, and that we have time, but women with PCOS have a much higher incidence of miscarriage so even if we got pregnant would it stick? What if I get cysts and we have to sit cycles out? I feel like the what ifs we have to factor in are hacking away at our 'cushion' time.
I recently found out that my dear friend, Dewey, was diagnosed with PCOS about a year ago. She has been on metformin and clomid with no success. Dewey is such a wonderful person; she deserves a baby. How did I land straight on the doorstep of an RE while she has been seeing a OB/GYN? How is it fair if the metformin makes me ovulate, and not her? How can my newly discovered anguish even stack up to hers? I know that my pain is real to me, but somehow I feel less than. The truth is I don't know what is going to happen to me or Dewey, but I can't shake the feeling that my early, accidental discovery of PCOS makes me less worthy of having a baby. I know that Dewey would never begrudge me for finding out sooner, or seeing an RE sooner, or having the metformin work (at least out-loud, hahahaha!). I know that she hurts for me as I hurt for her.
I've never known another person with PCOS, and neither has she. This makes us members of a club that neither of us want to be in. As unlucky as I feel about having PCOS; I do feel lucky to be in this club with Dewey...
Friday, August 31, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Eviction Notice
Inhabitants of Left and Right Ovary:
I am formally evicting you; only one (1) of you MUST leave this month. You have seven (7) days to completely evacuate the above stated ovaries. Seven days should be enough time for at least one (1) of you to mature and leave the ovary.
This is for your own good. I am not evicting you and leaving you without a new home. In fact there is a fallopian tube waiting for you when you leave, as well as a travel companion that your father will provide. THEN you have deeee-luxe accommodations in my uterus, which will now be referred to as 740 Park Avenue (Google it-is there anywhere better to live!?). Unfortunately, you will also be evicted from 740 Park as well, but only after you have spent a delightful forty (40) weeks there.
To be completely frank, mom and dad would like you to come out. I promise you we are really great. You can't even imagine how much everyone loves you already. Grandma JB can't wait to meet you and play with you! She's really great at pretending to be an 'animal mommy' and reading books a thousand times just because you love them! Grandpa MT wants to teach you how to drive and ski, he'll take you on sledding trips you'll never forget, he'll read books into a tape recorder so you can always hear his voice! Grandma JT will make you an AMAZING cobbler made with fruit and a cake mix that you will dream about for the rest of your life, she can't wait to share her love of music, teach you about God, and watch Disney movies with you! Great grandma S will love you to death, and be tickled and fascinated by everything you do. Great grandpa L will teach you how to golf like a champ! You have a PawPaw waiting for you who is great in times of need and crisis. He will most likely make you your first drink or try to give you beer in a bottle, but we'll make sure you don't drink it!!! He may also try to use your formula for coffee creamer, but he will tell you the best stories about dad. You have an aunt and uncle who will adore you beyond words. Your aunt will love to babysit you and do all kinds of craft projects with you, and will love to teach you how to play soccer. You uncle will have you playing video games before you are out of diapers, but he is also incredibly creative and I'm sure with his cooking experience will be able to make you a mean bottle. You will have second cousins galore that will love you, and spoil you too. You have mom's friends who are dying to meet you: Lil is a rock among women she will always be fiercely loyal to you and protect you if I can't, Em will make sure you are eternally chic, just like she is, she will always listen and commiserate with you, she is a shelter in a storm and will always love you, M. will spoil you rotten, she has a big wide open heart, she will stand up for you when others think you are crazy, she will show you what kind of person you are when you doubt yourself, C. this is mom's guy friend he will give you hope, share his eternal optimism, and love you for who you are always even when others turn against you, Meg will show you what it means to have true strength and moxy, Kathy- this woman is a dynamo, and will tell it to you straight if you need advice, she's raised 2 wonderful children so she knows what she's talking about!
Now I'm sure you're very curious about us. Dad is the best man I have ever met. He will show you love through his words, but more importantly through his actions. He will sacrifice for you. He will always give you the last bite of food if you want it. He will always make you laugh, he's very silly. When he asked me to marry him I thought of you and what kind of father he would be for you. He will put us before himself. He will stick. He wants to teach you how to throw a football, and wants to make you a DOOKIE, but that is something I can not allow, sorry!
As for me I think my friendships are a testament to my character and what kind of mother I will be to you. I feel uncomfortable telling you how wonderful I am so you will hear it from Lil. She says, "i don't think i ever realized that i would actually love a friend like i love my best friend. i care about her in a way that hurts me when she hurts. i find comfort in the maturity that is our friendship. of course, i also find comfort in knowing she doesn't judge me for my jimmy choos and i don't judge her for her christian louboutins. we do still vividly daydream about getting even with exes, joke about crazy friends and very much enjoy useless and childish celebrity gossip. afterall, friendship can't be all serious all the time. friends are meant to make each other laugh, even through tears. and trust me, no one makes me laugh like she does." I hope you think I pass the muster, too. I will be humbled to be your mom.
Love,
Mom
I am formally evicting you; only one (1) of you MUST leave this month. You have seven (7) days to completely evacuate the above stated ovaries. Seven days should be enough time for at least one (1) of you to mature and leave the ovary.
This is for your own good. I am not evicting you and leaving you without a new home. In fact there is a fallopian tube waiting for you when you leave, as well as a travel companion that your father will provide. THEN you have deeee-luxe accommodations in my uterus, which will now be referred to as 740 Park Avenue (Google it-is there anywhere better to live!?). Unfortunately, you will also be evicted from 740 Park as well, but only after you have spent a delightful forty (40) weeks there.
To be completely frank, mom and dad would like you to come out. I promise you we are really great. You can't even imagine how much everyone loves you already. Grandma JB can't wait to meet you and play with you! She's really great at pretending to be an 'animal mommy' and reading books a thousand times just because you love them! Grandpa MT wants to teach you how to drive and ski, he'll take you on sledding trips you'll never forget, he'll read books into a tape recorder so you can always hear his voice! Grandma JT will make you an AMAZING cobbler made with fruit and a cake mix that you will dream about for the rest of your life, she can't wait to share her love of music, teach you about God, and watch Disney movies with you! Great grandma S will love you to death, and be tickled and fascinated by everything you do. Great grandpa L will teach you how to golf like a champ! You have a PawPaw waiting for you who is great in times of need and crisis. He will most likely make you your first drink or try to give you beer in a bottle, but we'll make sure you don't drink it!!! He may also try to use your formula for coffee creamer, but he will tell you the best stories about dad. You have an aunt and uncle who will adore you beyond words. Your aunt will love to babysit you and do all kinds of craft projects with you, and will love to teach you how to play soccer. You uncle will have you playing video games before you are out of diapers, but he is also incredibly creative and I'm sure with his cooking experience will be able to make you a mean bottle. You will have second cousins galore that will love you, and spoil you too. You have mom's friends who are dying to meet you: Lil is a rock among women she will always be fiercely loyal to you and protect you if I can't, Em will make sure you are eternally chic, just like she is, she will always listen and commiserate with you, she is a shelter in a storm and will always love you, M. will spoil you rotten, she has a big wide open heart, she will stand up for you when others think you are crazy, she will show you what kind of person you are when you doubt yourself, C. this is mom's guy friend he will give you hope, share his eternal optimism, and love you for who you are always even when others turn against you, Meg will show you what it means to have true strength and moxy, Kathy- this woman is a dynamo, and will tell it to you straight if you need advice, she's raised 2 wonderful children so she knows what she's talking about!
Now I'm sure you're very curious about us. Dad is the best man I have ever met. He will show you love through his words, but more importantly through his actions. He will sacrifice for you. He will always give you the last bite of food if you want it. He will always make you laugh, he's very silly. When he asked me to marry him I thought of you and what kind of father he would be for you. He will put us before himself. He will stick. He wants to teach you how to throw a football, and wants to make you a DOOKIE, but that is something I can not allow, sorry!
As for me I think my friendships are a testament to my character and what kind of mother I will be to you. I feel uncomfortable telling you how wonderful I am so you will hear it from Lil. She says, "i don't think i ever realized that i would actually love a friend like i love my best friend. i care about her in a way that hurts me when she hurts. i find comfort in the maturity that is our friendship. of course, i also find comfort in knowing she doesn't judge me for my jimmy choos and i don't judge her for her christian louboutins. we do still vividly daydream about getting even with exes, joke about crazy friends and very much enjoy useless and childish celebrity gossip. afterall, friendship can't be all serious all the time. friends are meant to make each other laugh, even through tears. and trust me, no one makes me laugh like she does." I hope you think I pass the muster, too. I will be humbled to be your mom.
Love,
Mom
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
"Bilateral Fill and Spill"
Let me tell you, when I heard this phrase I experienced joy along the same lines as getting into college or having MH tell me he loved me for the first time. These four words mean that my HSG was normal! We do not have to go straight to IVF. My little eggs, should they ever decide to grow up and come out, will have a beautiful highway travel on, and hopefully pick up a handsome, non-Ted Bundy hitchhiker; not to mention our weary travelers have a perfect place to crash for the next nine months!
I agonized over this test not only because I heard it was 'horrifically painful,' but also because it would determine a large part of what course our infertility journey would take. Well, the test wasn't a foot massage, but it wasn't exactly having a limb removed with a hacksaw either. I freely admit that I took 5 Advil and 1 Zanax which I certainly think is the way to go. My doctor said that my HSG was the quickest she'd ever done...I'm sure she says that to all the girls, but it made me feel like I wasn't the Queen of the Weenies! It was such a surreal experience to see your inside 'lady bits' on a screen! It made me think about one day seeing a baby in there. What must that be like...especially if it's a boy...I can't get over the thought of growing a penis inside of you!!!! I know that sounds crazy, but ladies think about how bizarre it would be!
My friend, Lil, and I talked about how bizarre we found being pregnant for a long time last night. We just can't imagine what it would be like to feel something moving around in side you. Look, if there are any of you frunchy earth mothers reading this I do get that it a natural process, full of wonder, etc., etc., BUT come on you have human inside you!!!!! As much as I want a baby seeing someone's elbow or foot sticking out of my tum is going to freak me out! I suppose all reproduction is inherently strange. Can you imagine if we were like a sponge? They bud...what if your baby just grew and then fell of your arm or leg! Laying eggs is also very strange to me...can you imagine laying a giant egg...would it be like an ostrich egg or bigger than that!?
One final thought---Why can't babies be gestated in an aquarium? Think about that one! You could keep it on your desk!
I agonized over this test not only because I heard it was 'horrifically painful,' but also because it would determine a large part of what course our infertility journey would take. Well, the test wasn't a foot massage, but it wasn't exactly having a limb removed with a hacksaw either. I freely admit that I took 5 Advil and 1 Zanax which I certainly think is the way to go. My doctor said that my HSG was the quickest she'd ever done...I'm sure she says that to all the girls, but it made me feel like I wasn't the Queen of the Weenies! It was such a surreal experience to see your inside 'lady bits' on a screen! It made me think about one day seeing a baby in there. What must that be like...especially if it's a boy...I can't get over the thought of growing a penis inside of you!!!! I know that sounds crazy, but ladies think about how bizarre it would be!
My friend, Lil, and I talked about how bizarre we found being pregnant for a long time last night. We just can't imagine what it would be like to feel something moving around in side you. Look, if there are any of you frunchy earth mothers reading this I do get that it a natural process, full of wonder, etc., etc., BUT come on you have human inside you!!!!! As much as I want a baby seeing someone's elbow or foot sticking out of my tum is going to freak me out! I suppose all reproduction is inherently strange. Can you imagine if we were like a sponge? They bud...what if your baby just grew and then fell of your arm or leg! Laying eggs is also very strange to me...can you imagine laying a giant egg...would it be like an ostrich egg or bigger than that!?
One final thought---Why can't babies be gestated in an aquarium? Think about that one! You could keep it on your desk!
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Holding Pattern
Not much is going on in my little world. I am trying to stay positive and as stress free as possible. So far I have had great success with my lifestyle overhaul (I lost 3 pounds this week). Low carb diets really, REALLY suck; so does exercising for 30 minutes everyday. Thirty minutes doesn't seem like a long time, but I guess when you're out of shape like me it seems like an eternity. I get SO bored when I exercise; that's why I ALWAYS wind up quitting. Only this time failure is not an option; I can't quit. I read that 70% of women diagnosed with PCOS develop Type II diabetes within 10 years. I'm going to ask the RE about this one because that seems REALLY high, but nonetheless it scared the S*&T out of me. The risks of heart attack and stroke are also higher in women with PCOS. So, I pretty much have to stick with this, and make it work! Sometimes, it seems so daunting.
There is some good news that I will share with you now that we are intimate friends: both my pap smear and my cholesterol tests came back normal. Those are two less things to worry about.
Lastly, in my little update we have my cycle day 3 blood work and glucose test scheduled for Friday morning, and then my HSG on Monday. The blood work will determine how out of whack my hormones are, and completely confirm PCOS. The glucose test...I am dreading this one! You have to get blood drawn, and then drink "glucola" (isn't that cute), sit around for two hours and have your blood drawn again. This will determine if I am insulin resistant; if so I get to take a lovely drug called metformin. Metformin's claim to fame it it's wonderful gastrointestinal side effects...SUPER!
I am dreading the HSG even more. I have heard that this little gem is very, very painful and I am a weenie! Sidebar: I'm not quite sure how I am actually going to deliver a baby! Apparently, they stick a catheter up your 'hoo and into the uterus, and inject dye. This dye should go through you uterus, fallopian tubes, and out into your pelvic cavity. Then you know that your uterus is A OKAY, and your tubes are clear! Let's keep fingers and toes crossed that this is true, and that I don't pass out. This test being normal means that we can use ovulatory drugs alone, or move onto IUI when we are ready. If the test is not normal then we have to get a new game plan.
There is some good news that I will share with you now that we are intimate friends: both my pap smear and my cholesterol tests came back normal. Those are two less things to worry about.
Lastly, in my little update we have my cycle day 3 blood work and glucose test scheduled for Friday morning, and then my HSG on Monday. The blood work will determine how out of whack my hormones are, and completely confirm PCOS. The glucose test...I am dreading this one! You have to get blood drawn, and then drink "glucola" (isn't that cute), sit around for two hours and have your blood drawn again. This will determine if I am insulin resistant; if so I get to take a lovely drug called metformin. Metformin's claim to fame it it's wonderful gastrointestinal side effects...SUPER!
I am dreading the HSG even more. I have heard that this little gem is very, very painful and I am a weenie! Sidebar: I'm not quite sure how I am actually going to deliver a baby! Apparently, they stick a catheter up your 'hoo and into the uterus, and inject dye. This dye should go through you uterus, fallopian tubes, and out into your pelvic cavity. Then you know that your uterus is A OKAY, and your tubes are clear! Let's keep fingers and toes crossed that this is true, and that I don't pass out. This test being normal means that we can use ovulatory drugs alone, or move onto IUI when we are ready. If the test is not normal then we have to get a new game plan.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Job
"What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil."--The Book of Job
This line from Job has been on my mind since infertility became a reality; for those who are close to me you know this quote would perfectly describe my feelings about infertility.
By all accounts Job was a prosperous man; rich in slaves and cattle. He fears God and lives righteously. God allows Satan to test Job. Satan can torture Job in anyway, but he cannot kill him. Satan takes Job's family, riches, and his health. It is important to realize Job did not know this was a test. We should learn from what Job did not know...in our suffering we do not know all the facts. Think of how easy it would be for Job to endure pain if he knew it was a test, and that God would reward him.
From Job we also learn another important lesson; a life with God does not guarantee that you will suffer no pain or disappointment. The hard things in life do have a purpose. How could you turn to God without knowing darkness? When Job thought about his holy life he began to doubt God's goodness. Job though stuck to guns and remained faithful to God knowing that God was the only port in the storm.
Job has three friends who come to him, and try to make sense of Job's afflictions. They all have different explanations for him, but none are right. They do not have all the facts. They do not know the will of God, and neither do we. This is another interesting point that I have a hard time with; your friends cannot provide comfort and advice in place of God. Job's 'friends' condemn him saying that Job must have done something to displease God. God did not like the attitudes of Job's 'friends'.
However, one of Job's friends does introduce an interesting concept that there is a spiritual value in suffering. He believes that while God's plans for us maybe a mystery; He treats all of his children fairly.
Ultimately, Job expressed that he was very angry with God, and accused God of allowing him to suffer needlessly. God appeared and decided in favor of Job. Job asked for God's forgiveness for his words and was forgiven. God punished Job's friends, and rewarded Job with twice the riches he once had and beautiful family.
Job reminds me that we will never know everything there is to know about God. He is not obligated to give us reasons, but we can seek comfort in the fact that God is not punishing for our sins. God is always trying to shape us, and God asks us to remain faithful and trust in Him because He knows all the facts.
One of my greatest fears (infertility wise) is having someone tell me that, "It is not God's will for you to have children, and trying to with medicine is wrong." I actually read about girl who was confronted with this statement and the girl said, "Well, would you expect a person with cancer not to get treatment?" whereby the old hag responded, "Yes, some people refuse treatment and die." This reminds me of Job's friends idly conjecturing about Job's fate and God's will. It gives me strength that if this happens to me I will know that whoever says something like this is 'one of Job's friends.' They do not know God's plans for me. I am satisfied, after much prayer, that I am doing what God intends for me to do in this situation. He made sure I was diagnosed with PCOS through Patrick's first diagnosis, He made sure the first doctor, that we didn't feel good about didn't accept our insurance which led us to a doctor who does and that we LOVE. I truly don't believe in coincidences anymore, but do believe (even though it is a challenge) that in the end everything works out exactly how it should.
This line from Job has been on my mind since infertility became a reality; for those who are close to me you know this quote would perfectly describe my feelings about infertility.
By all accounts Job was a prosperous man; rich in slaves and cattle. He fears God and lives righteously. God allows Satan to test Job. Satan can torture Job in anyway, but he cannot kill him. Satan takes Job's family, riches, and his health. It is important to realize Job did not know this was a test. We should learn from what Job did not know...in our suffering we do not know all the facts. Think of how easy it would be for Job to endure pain if he knew it was a test, and that God would reward him.
From Job we also learn another important lesson; a life with God does not guarantee that you will suffer no pain or disappointment. The hard things in life do have a purpose. How could you turn to God without knowing darkness? When Job thought about his holy life he began to doubt God's goodness. Job though stuck to guns and remained faithful to God knowing that God was the only port in the storm.
Job has three friends who come to him, and try to make sense of Job's afflictions. They all have different explanations for him, but none are right. They do not have all the facts. They do not know the will of God, and neither do we. This is another interesting point that I have a hard time with; your friends cannot provide comfort and advice in place of God. Job's 'friends' condemn him saying that Job must have done something to displease God. God did not like the attitudes of Job's 'friends'.
However, one of Job's friends does introduce an interesting concept that there is a spiritual value in suffering. He believes that while God's plans for us maybe a mystery; He treats all of his children fairly.
Ultimately, Job expressed that he was very angry with God, and accused God of allowing him to suffer needlessly. God appeared and decided in favor of Job. Job asked for God's forgiveness for his words and was forgiven. God punished Job's friends, and rewarded Job with twice the riches he once had and beautiful family.
Job reminds me that we will never know everything there is to know about God. He is not obligated to give us reasons, but we can seek comfort in the fact that God is not punishing for our sins. God is always trying to shape us, and God asks us to remain faithful and trust in Him because He knows all the facts.
One of my greatest fears (infertility wise) is having someone tell me that, "It is not God's will for you to have children, and trying to with medicine is wrong." I actually read about girl who was confronted with this statement and the girl said, "Well, would you expect a person with cancer not to get treatment?" whereby the old hag responded, "Yes, some people refuse treatment and die." This reminds me of Job's friends idly conjecturing about Job's fate and God's will. It gives me strength that if this happens to me I will know that whoever says something like this is 'one of Job's friends.' They do not know God's plans for me. I am satisfied, after much prayer, that I am doing what God intends for me to do in this situation. He made sure I was diagnosed with PCOS through Patrick's first diagnosis, He made sure the first doctor, that we didn't feel good about didn't accept our insurance which led us to a doctor who does and that we LOVE. I truly don't believe in coincidences anymore, but do believe (even though it is a challenge) that in the end everything works out exactly how it should.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Joining the Cysterhood
So, we went to the fertility clinic yesterday; I was a ball of nerves and frankly expected to hear the worst...no sperm, no shot, no baby!
Well...I was WRONG! MH's semen analysis was perfect: good count and good motility. The morphology (shape) test is expected back in a week or so. He only has marginally decreased testosterone. The real kicker for me is--- HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY FORM OF HYPOGONADISM!!!!! I wasted all that anguish and grief. I thought our world was ending because of what that stupid internist said!
Unfortunately, (or maybe fortunately in the long run) I was diagnosed with PCOS this will make it hard to get pregnant because I do not ovulate regularly if at all. The Dr. is running more tests and I will have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) an apparently painful process where they inject dye into the uterus to make sure the uterus is normal and the fallopian tubes are clear. If all is well I will start metaformin (a diabetes drug); 40% of women on metaformin ovulate on their own. If I am not part of the 40% club then she will use a medicine called clomid to induce ovulation. At that point we can try on our own for awhile and/or move onto intrauterine insemination (IUI). You get three tries with IUI before IVF.
Weight loss and carb control are very important when treating PCOS. So, I will be headed back to South Beach! I will also need to exercise 30 minutes everyday! YIKES!
Overall, I feel relieved that the worst was not true, and that we know what is wrong. Our Dr. is wonderful. She seems very optimistic about our chances of getting pregnant through conservative methods. She is warm, knowledgeable, sensitive, and aggressive in the best sense of the word. I have heard horror stories about doctors waiting 24 plus cycles before starting medicine, or IUIs. Yes, folks that is TWO years...I can't even imagine that kind of agony. PSA: Ladies please, please, please switch doctors if you feel your concerns aren't being taken seriously, or if you feel your Dr. isn't being proactive!
Well, I'm trying not to feel down about myself, and am trying to realize that PCOS is not my fault. It is just a fork in the road to motherhood. Of course, I am angry that this is going to be hard, and that we will (most likely) conceive in a lab, but it could definitely be a whole lot worse!
Well...I was WRONG! MH's semen analysis was perfect: good count and good motility. The morphology (shape) test is expected back in a week or so. He only has marginally decreased testosterone. The real kicker for me is--- HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY FORM OF HYPOGONADISM!!!!! I wasted all that anguish and grief. I thought our world was ending because of what that stupid internist said!
Unfortunately, (or maybe fortunately in the long run) I was diagnosed with PCOS this will make it hard to get pregnant because I do not ovulate regularly if at all. The Dr. is running more tests and I will have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) an apparently painful process where they inject dye into the uterus to make sure the uterus is normal and the fallopian tubes are clear. If all is well I will start metaformin (a diabetes drug); 40% of women on metaformin ovulate on their own. If I am not part of the 40% club then she will use a medicine called clomid to induce ovulation. At that point we can try on our own for awhile and/or move onto intrauterine insemination (IUI). You get three tries with IUI before IVF.
Weight loss and carb control are very important when treating PCOS. So, I will be headed back to South Beach! I will also need to exercise 30 minutes everyday! YIKES!
Overall, I feel relieved that the worst was not true, and that we know what is wrong. Our Dr. is wonderful. She seems very optimistic about our chances of getting pregnant through conservative methods. She is warm, knowledgeable, sensitive, and aggressive in the best sense of the word. I have heard horror stories about doctors waiting 24 plus cycles before starting medicine, or IUIs. Yes, folks that is TWO years...I can't even imagine that kind of agony. PSA: Ladies please, please, please switch doctors if you feel your concerns aren't being taken seriously, or if you feel your Dr. isn't being proactive!
Well, I'm trying not to feel down about myself, and am trying to realize that PCOS is not my fault. It is just a fork in the road to motherhood. Of course, I am angry that this is going to be hard, and that we will (most likely) conceive in a lab, but it could definitely be a whole lot worse!
MH being fine + Wibbs having PCOS = IRONY
What is PCOS?
Polycystic ovary syndrome, or PCOS, is a complex hormone disorder that causes such symptoms as irregular menstrual cycles, infertility, excessive body hair, acne, and obesity. The syndrome is named for the tiny cysts that MAY form in the ovaries when the hormone imbalance interrupts the ovulation process. The term polycystic means composed of many cysts. If the hormone imbalance is left untreated, the syndrome may lead to life-threatening illnesses such as diabetes, heart disease, stroke, and uterine and endometrial cancers.
PCOS SYMPTOMS
Because it is a syndrome, PCOS includes a set of symptoms. Women with PCOS can suffer from any combination of the symptoms listed here. Some women experience only one of these symptoms, while other women experience all of them. The severity of PCOS symptoms can vary widely from woman to woman. Talk to your physician if you suffer from one or more of these symptoms:
Amenorrhea (no menstrual period), infrequent menses, and/or oligomenorrhea (irregular bleeding) - Cycles are often greater than six weeks in length, with eight or fewer periods in a year. Irregular bleeding may include lengthy bleeding episodes, scant or heavy periods, or frequent spotting.
Oligo or anovulation (infrequent or absent ovulation) - While women with PCOS produce follicles - which are fluid-filled sacs on the ovary that contain an egg - the follicles often do not mature and release as needed for ovulation. It is these immature follicles that create the cysts.
Hyperandrogenism - Increased serum levels of male hormones. Specifically, testosterone, androstenedione, and dehydroepiandrosterone sulfate (DHEAS).
Infertility - Infertility is the inability to get pregnant within six to 12 months of unprotected intercourse, depending on age. With PCOS, infertility is usually due to ovulatory dysfunction.
Cystic ovaries - Classic PCOS ovaries have a "string of pearls" or "pearl necklace" appearance with many cysts (fluid-filled sacs). It is difficult to diagnose PCOS without the presence of some cysts or ovarian enlargement, but sometimes more subtle alterations may not have been recorded, or are not recognized as abnormal, by the ultrasonographer.
Enlarged ovaries - Polycystic ovaries are usually 1.5 to 3 times larger than normal.
Chronic pelvic pain - The exact cause of this pain isn't known, but it may be due to enlarged ovaries leading to pelvic crowding. It is considered chronic when it has been noted for greater than six months.
Obesity or weight gain - Commonly a woman with PCOS will have what is called an apple figure where excess weight is concentrated heavily in the abdomen, similar to the way men often gain weight, with comparatively narrower arms and legs. The hip:waist ratio is smaller than on a pear-shaped woman — meaning there is less difference between hip and waist measurements. It should be noted that most, but not all, women with PCOS are overweight.
Insulin resistance, hyperinsulinemia, and diabetes - Insulin resistance is a condition where the body's use of insulin is inefficient. It is usually accompanied by compensatory hyperinsulinemia - an over-production of insulin. Both conditions often occur with normal glucose levels, and may be a precursor to diabetes, in which glucose intolerance is further decreased and blood glucose levels may also be elevated.
Dyslipidemia (lipid abnormalities) - Some women with PCOS have elevated LDL and reduced HDL cholesterol levels, as well as high triglycerides.
Hypertension (high blood pressure) - Blood pressure readings over 140/90.
Hirsutism (excess hair) - Excess hair growth such as on the face, chest, abdomen, thumbs, or toes.
Alopecia (male-pattern baldness or thinning hair) - The balding is more common on the top of the head than at the temples.
Acne/Oily Skin/Seborrhea - Oil production is stimulated by overproduction of androgens. Seborrhea is dandruff - flaking skin on the scalp caused by excess oil.
Acanthosis nigricans (dark patches of skin, tan to dark brown/black) - Most commonly on the back of the neck, but also but also in skin creases under arms, breasts, and between thighs, occasionally on the hands, elbows and knees. The darkened skin is usually velvety or rough to the touch.
Acrochordons (skin tags) - Tiny flaps (tags) of skin that usually cause no symptoms unless irritated by rubbing.
Polycystic ovary syndrome, or PCOS, is a complex hormone disorder that causes such symptoms as irregular menstrual cycles, infertility, excessive body hair, acne, and obesity. The syndrome is named for the tiny cysts that MAY form in the ovaries when the hormone imbalance interrupts the ovulation process. The term polycystic means composed of many cysts. If the hormone imbalance is left untreated, the syndrome may lead to life-threatening illnesses such as diabetes, heart disease, stroke, and uterine and endometrial cancers.
PCOS SYMPTOMS
Because it is a syndrome, PCOS includes a set of symptoms. Women with PCOS can suffer from any combination of the symptoms listed here. Some women experience only one of these symptoms, while other women experience all of them. The severity of PCOS symptoms can vary widely from woman to woman. Talk to your physician if you suffer from one or more of these symptoms:
Amenorrhea (no menstrual period), infrequent menses, and/or oligomenorrhea (irregular bleeding) - Cycles are often greater than six weeks in length, with eight or fewer periods in a year. Irregular bleeding may include lengthy bleeding episodes, scant or heavy periods, or frequent spotting.
Oligo or anovulation (infrequent or absent ovulation) - While women with PCOS produce follicles - which are fluid-filled sacs on the ovary that contain an egg - the follicles often do not mature and release as needed for ovulation. It is these immature follicles that create the cysts.
Hyperandrogenism - Increased serum levels of male hormones. Specifically, testosterone, androstenedione, and dehydroepiandrosterone sulfate (DHEAS).
Infertility - Infertility is the inability to get pregnant within six to 12 months of unprotected intercourse, depending on age. With PCOS, infertility is usually due to ovulatory dysfunction.
Cystic ovaries - Classic PCOS ovaries have a "string of pearls" or "pearl necklace" appearance with many cysts (fluid-filled sacs). It is difficult to diagnose PCOS without the presence of some cysts or ovarian enlargement, but sometimes more subtle alterations may not have been recorded, or are not recognized as abnormal, by the ultrasonographer.
Enlarged ovaries - Polycystic ovaries are usually 1.5 to 3 times larger than normal.
Chronic pelvic pain - The exact cause of this pain isn't known, but it may be due to enlarged ovaries leading to pelvic crowding. It is considered chronic when it has been noted for greater than six months.
Obesity or weight gain - Commonly a woman with PCOS will have what is called an apple figure where excess weight is concentrated heavily in the abdomen, similar to the way men often gain weight, with comparatively narrower arms and legs. The hip:waist ratio is smaller than on a pear-shaped woman — meaning there is less difference between hip and waist measurements. It should be noted that most, but not all, women with PCOS are overweight.
Insulin resistance, hyperinsulinemia, and diabetes - Insulin resistance is a condition where the body's use of insulin is inefficient. It is usually accompanied by compensatory hyperinsulinemia - an over-production of insulin. Both conditions often occur with normal glucose levels, and may be a precursor to diabetes, in which glucose intolerance is further decreased and blood glucose levels may also be elevated.
Dyslipidemia (lipid abnormalities) - Some women with PCOS have elevated LDL and reduced HDL cholesterol levels, as well as high triglycerides.
Hypertension (high blood pressure) - Blood pressure readings over 140/90.
Hirsutism (excess hair) - Excess hair growth such as on the face, chest, abdomen, thumbs, or toes.
Alopecia (male-pattern baldness or thinning hair) - The balding is more common on the top of the head than at the temples.
Acne/Oily Skin/Seborrhea - Oil production is stimulated by overproduction of androgens. Seborrhea is dandruff - flaking skin on the scalp caused by excess oil.
Acanthosis nigricans (dark patches of skin, tan to dark brown/black) - Most commonly on the back of the neck, but also but also in skin creases under arms, breasts, and between thighs, occasionally on the hands, elbows and knees. The darkened skin is usually velvety or rough to the touch.
Acrochordons (skin tags) - Tiny flaps (tags) of skin that usually cause no symptoms unless irritated by rubbing.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Hope and Other Four Letter Words
Tomorrow is our first appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist (RE). I am a bit excited, but overall I am a nervous wreck.
It's funny how things change. I never thought I would praying for a chance, just a chance, to get pregnant. My friend Lil and I often have conversations about what our 21 year-old selves would say to one another in particular situations. This one would go something like this:
Me: Like, omigod, what if I can't get pg? I mean like I'm totally healthy and stuff I mean I like get my period and stuff, right?
Lil: Yeah, you'll totally get pg the first time you try. I mean like doesn't everybody. It's only like those old hags that have trouble. Why do you want to have little cretins like that anyway...uh how would you go and stuff?
Me: Omigod, you are so right we could never go out. Nobody likes drunk moms, and I would like get totally fat! EWWWWWWW, gross. Besides my mom got pg when she was like 40...no big deal. By then we could like find rich older hsubands too.
Lil: Amen to that! Then you could like buy a baby, right!
Now, here I am getting ready to go to an RE, and Lil is afraid she has endometriosis.
I am happy that we will get some answers! I also want a plan, something tangible to hold onto. I don't want to feel like we're circus freaks anymore. I want the RE to tell us that she has seen similar cases, and that there is hope.
Hope is a funny thing. The dictionary defines hope (verb) to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence. Although a common idiom 'hope against hope' means to continue to hope, although the outlook does not warrant it. What is it going to be for me?
Will the semen analysis reveal that there are enough sperm to do a process called ICSI? Will my ultrasound reveal a normal uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries? Can MH's condition be completely reversed through hormone therapy, and allow us to have a baby for "free?" Do I have hope or should I be hoping against hope?
It's funny how things change. I never thought I would praying for a chance, just a chance, to get pregnant. My friend Lil and I often have conversations about what our 21 year-old selves would say to one another in particular situations. This one would go something like this:
Me: Like, omigod, what if I can't get pg? I mean like I'm totally healthy and stuff I mean I like get my period and stuff, right?
Lil: Yeah, you'll totally get pg the first time you try. I mean like doesn't everybody. It's only like those old hags that have trouble. Why do you want to have little cretins like that anyway...uh how would you go and stuff?
Me: Omigod, you are so right we could never go out. Nobody likes drunk moms, and I would like get totally fat! EWWWWWWW, gross. Besides my mom got pg when she was like 40...no big deal. By then we could like find rich older hsubands too.
Lil: Amen to that! Then you could like buy a baby, right!
Now, here I am getting ready to go to an RE, and Lil is afraid she has endometriosis.
I am happy that we will get some answers! I also want a plan, something tangible to hold onto. I don't want to feel like we're circus freaks anymore. I want the RE to tell us that she has seen similar cases, and that there is hope.
Hope is a funny thing. The dictionary defines hope (verb) to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence. Although a common idiom 'hope against hope' means to continue to hope, although the outlook does not warrant it. What is it going to be for me?
Will the semen analysis reveal that there are enough sperm to do a process called ICSI? Will my ultrasound reveal a normal uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries? Can MH's condition be completely reversed through hormone therapy, and allow us to have a baby for "free?" Do I have hope or should I be hoping against hope?
Just what I needed...
I had the best weekend with my BFF from high school. It was so nice to be away for the weekend. MH was working all weekend, and I knew that if I stayed home alone I would spend all of my time ruminating and worrying.
We shopped...so fun! She bought the cutest Diane von Furstenberg shift, and looked absolutely FABU in it!!! Hopefully, one day I will be thin enough (again) to rock some designer duds!
We rented movies that no one else would want to watch. Paradise Lost which I can't believe I had never seen before...so good! Old Boy it's a Japanese thriller...we love, love, love creepy Asian films. Of course this also makes us feel very high-brow, but was also very good.
Sushi...I can't even describe my feelings for sushi! We ordered a A TON, but my fave was geisha roll: crab, cream cheese, and asparagus all lightly tempura fried!
Of course we went OUT!!!! Sometimes I feel like a shut-in. I miss getting dressed to the nines and going out with your girls and shakin' it on the dance floor. Fun, fun, fun, but I was literally dripping in sweat when we left. Also, profoundly grateful I am married. The men who are out...are either very young, unattractive, or emotionally retarded!
Anyway, wonderful time had by all! And NO ruminating....ahhhhh an empty mind...LOVELY!
We shopped...so fun! She bought the cutest Diane von Furstenberg shift, and looked absolutely FABU in it!!! Hopefully, one day I will be thin enough (again) to rock some designer duds!
We rented movies that no one else would want to watch. Paradise Lost which I can't believe I had never seen before...so good! Old Boy it's a Japanese thriller...we love, love, love creepy Asian films. Of course this also makes us feel very high-brow, but was also very good.
Sushi...I can't even describe my feelings for sushi! We ordered a A TON, but my fave was geisha roll: crab, cream cheese, and asparagus all lightly tempura fried!
Of course we went OUT!!!! Sometimes I feel like a shut-in. I miss getting dressed to the nines and going out with your girls and shakin' it on the dance floor. Fun, fun, fun, but I was literally dripping in sweat when we left. Also, profoundly grateful I am married. The men who are out...are either very young, unattractive, or emotionally retarded!
Anyway, wonderful time had by all! And NO ruminating....ahhhhh an empty mind...LOVELY!
Friday, August 10, 2007
REVOLUTION!
"People come in with depression levels that are equivalent to people who have metastatic cancer or heart disease," says Alice Domar, a Harvard professor, who runs a mind-body clinic for infertile couples in Boston. Hmmmmm...in some ways I wish we were back in Boston. Not just to avail ourselves of this woman's services, but also because Massachusetts mandates that infertility be covered by insurance!
It is inconceivable (haha am I pun-tastic, or what!) to me that most insurance covers no treatment for infertility. My company will cover the diagnosis of infertility, but won't pay for anything they consider treatment!!!! They will cover all pregnancy costs, though. Riddle me this, what group of I'm guessing men (it's my blog, and I'm going to blame over 40, rich, white men-natch!) decided that while pregnancy is a a medical condition; infertility isn't? If you're using logic* shouldn't infertility be covered and pregnancy not covered. After all, at some level, you choose to become pregnant, but you do not choose to become infertile. * Disclaimer: my use of logic is for demonstration purposes only. I do not want a flood of comments that I am wrong etc., etc.!)
Infertility is a DISEASE! There is something anatomically and/or physiologically wrong with your body! Insurance companies don't bat an eyelash at a diabetes diagnosis. How is insulin production different from reproductive hormone production?
Interestingly, many insurance companies do allow for surgical and medical treatments for men!
The United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit recently issued an important decision on federal anti-discrimination law in Saks v. Franklin Covey Co. There, it held that an employer can deny coverage for infertility procedures done only to women. Doing so, accordingly to the court, constitutes neither pregnancy nor sex discrimination. While the opinion is well-reasoned and at least mildly persuasive, there is a strong argument to be made that the wrong result was reached.
To check out the rest of the article...http://writ.news.findlaw.com/grossman/20030128.html. It's fascinating, and I'm not quite sure how the decision was made.
Believe me, I know fertility treatments are expensive, but I think it is past time that insurance companies have some social accountability! Not just for infertility, but for all aspects of health care. Recently, my father-in-law had a blood test drawn to determine if he had cancer. This claim was rejected by his insurance company as medically unnecessary, BUT if he actually had cancer they would have paid of it!!!!! I just can't get over it! How do these bastards sleep at night? Do their employees have Stockholm Syndrome?
It is inconceivable (haha am I pun-tastic, or what!) to me that most insurance covers no treatment for infertility. My company will cover the diagnosis of infertility, but won't pay for anything they consider treatment!!!! They will cover all pregnancy costs, though. Riddle me this, what group of I'm guessing men (it's my blog, and I'm going to blame over 40, rich, white men-natch!) decided that while pregnancy is a a medical condition; infertility isn't? If you're using logic* shouldn't infertility be covered and pregnancy not covered. After all, at some level, you choose to become pregnant, but you do not choose to become infertile. * Disclaimer: my use of logic is for demonstration purposes only. I do not want a flood of comments that I am wrong etc., etc.!)
Infertility is a DISEASE! There is something anatomically and/or physiologically wrong with your body! Insurance companies don't bat an eyelash at a diabetes diagnosis. How is insulin production different from reproductive hormone production?
Interestingly, many insurance companies do allow for surgical and medical treatments for men!
The United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit recently issued an important decision on federal anti-discrimination law in Saks v. Franklin Covey Co. There, it held that an employer can deny coverage for infertility procedures done only to women. Doing so, accordingly to the court, constitutes neither pregnancy nor sex discrimination. While the opinion is well-reasoned and at least mildly persuasive, there is a strong argument to be made that the wrong result was reached.
To check out the rest of the article...http://writ.news.findlaw.com/grossman/20030128.html. It's fascinating, and I'm not quite sure how the decision was made.
Believe me, I know fertility treatments are expensive, but I think it is past time that insurance companies have some social accountability! Not just for infertility, but for all aspects of health care. Recently, my father-in-law had a blood test drawn to determine if he had cancer. This claim was rejected by his insurance company as medically unnecessary, BUT if he actually had cancer they would have paid of it!!!!! I just can't get over it! How do these bastards sleep at night? Do their employees have Stockholm Syndrome?
Thursday, August 9, 2007
60 and counting...
Well, as I am sure all of you want to know the intimate details of my life; I haven't gotten my period in 60 days! My cycles seem to be getting longer and longer. It sucks! Why won't my body just do what it is supposed to do?! Argh!!!!
Now I am beginning to freak out that there is something wrong with me as well. I keep telling myself that I have been under a lot of stress since we left Boston, and now this situation is not making it any better.
I think I must be in serious denial about certain aspects of my personality because if you asked me I would tell you, in most cases, that I am not feeling stressed at all, and that I'm not really prone to stress. Well, I now have concrete, physical evidence to the contrary. I went to my mom's a couple of weeks ago, and went through some old school papers and mementos that she finally organized. I found a certificate from my fifth grade teacher...it said "Most Likely to Get in a Wad" and further down "Bound to Achieve Greatness if She Doesn't have a Nervous Breakdown First." How depressing is that!!!! Well, I haven't exactly achieved greatness, but I haven't a nervous breakdown either so I guess I'm doing OK.
Of course, stress is a vicious cycle for me because now I am stressing myself out by judging how well I am de-stressing. I feel like a lunatic!
Here's my review of various de-stressing techniques:
Meditation: I bought a book, candles, music... the whole she-bang. I was ready to breathe my way into mental health and relaxation. So I sat in Lotus position (which made my feet fall asleep) breathed and pictured a beach...I did this for about three minutes and it was relaxing. Then thoughts crept in; all the what-ifs had a clear mind to work with. There was no clutter to push them out. Thus, ended mediation.
Yoga: I rented a tape by Rodney Yee. He looked like he knew what he was doing even though his body was completely hairless. I can't imagine the time it takes to get him fully waxed! Also, I was disconcerted by his tiny shorts and misshapen bulge in the crotchal area. OK, so I do the tape and while I do feel more limber I'm not sure how people feel relaxed. You're laying on the ground trying to see what Rodney is doing there is no time to relax!
Sleeping pill and anti-anxiety drug: Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!!! My white 'doll' and my blue 'doll' are the only way I achieve any form of relaxation. They make the whole world melt away and allow me to sleep through the night. (I, in no way endorse the abuse of medication. Use only with a doctor's Rx and follow their instructions.)
Things on my list to try: acupuncture, aromatherapy, and hypnosis.
P.S. My new gyno (that I love, love, love...she actually listens and takes me seriously) is having me start Provera today to get my errant period to co-operate.
Now I am beginning to freak out that there is something wrong with me as well. I keep telling myself that I have been under a lot of stress since we left Boston, and now this situation is not making it any better.
I think I must be in serious denial about certain aspects of my personality because if you asked me I would tell you, in most cases, that I am not feeling stressed at all, and that I'm not really prone to stress. Well, I now have concrete, physical evidence to the contrary. I went to my mom's a couple of weeks ago, and went through some old school papers and mementos that she finally organized. I found a certificate from my fifth grade teacher...it said "Most Likely to Get in a Wad" and further down "Bound to Achieve Greatness if She Doesn't have a Nervous Breakdown First." How depressing is that!!!! Well, I haven't exactly achieved greatness, but I haven't a nervous breakdown either so I guess I'm doing OK.
Of course, stress is a vicious cycle for me because now I am stressing myself out by judging how well I am de-stressing. I feel like a lunatic!
Here's my review of various de-stressing techniques:
Meditation: I bought a book, candles, music... the whole she-bang. I was ready to breathe my way into mental health and relaxation. So I sat in Lotus position (which made my feet fall asleep) breathed and pictured a beach...I did this for about three minutes and it was relaxing. Then thoughts crept in; all the what-ifs had a clear mind to work with. There was no clutter to push them out. Thus, ended mediation.
Yoga: I rented a tape by Rodney Yee. He looked like he knew what he was doing even though his body was completely hairless. I can't imagine the time it takes to get him fully waxed! Also, I was disconcerted by his tiny shorts and misshapen bulge in the crotchal area. OK, so I do the tape and while I do feel more limber I'm not sure how people feel relaxed. You're laying on the ground trying to see what Rodney is doing there is no time to relax!
Sleeping pill and anti-anxiety drug: Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!!! My white 'doll' and my blue 'doll' are the only way I achieve any form of relaxation. They make the whole world melt away and allow me to sleep through the night. (I, in no way endorse the abuse of medication. Use only with a doctor's Rx and follow their instructions.)
Things on my list to try: acupuncture, aromatherapy, and hypnosis.
P.S. My new gyno (that I love, love, love...she actually listens and takes me seriously) is having me start Provera today to get my errant period to co-operate.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Get Your Fight On!
Naively, I thought that I made peace with the aspects of MH's personality that are dissimilar to mine. In fact, I would go as far to as to say that I embrace them in a yin and yang, new-agey kind of way I normally dismiss as hogwash.
Emotionally, MH and I are very different people. I am extremely emotional and extremely pessimistic...I can find 20 gazillion reasons why something will, absolutely go wrong. I think part of this is just my general personality. The other part is the severe anxiety and the obsessive-compulsive thinking patterns that began plaguing me in my early twenties.
One of my therapists said something profound to me that I try to repeat in times of crisis (real or imagined.) She said, "Just because you think it doesn't mean it will happen. You don't have that kind of power." My problem is two-fold. I honestly believe (in the irrational part of my brain) that I can keep things from happening if I worry about them enough, and that I have some kind of supernatural power that when something pops into my head it will happen. For example, if I am casually reading the paper and come across and article on ovarian cancer my mind goes straight to 'this must be a sign, you are reading this for a reason...you must have ovarian cancer.' Then I go straight out and research this, and convince myself through any twinge I have felt that "Yep, I have cancer." Then I worry myself sick until I go to the doctor and find out no I don't have cancer. Then I am convinced that the worrying about it actually made it not happen. Repeat with every illness/situation ad nauseum.
MH on the other hand is super rational. His mantra would be "Worrying is useless. Why would I do something that makes me feel worse?" He believes that whatever happens will happen in the manner in which it supposed to and when it is supposed to. Needless to say he doesn't believe I have any psychic powers! I did tell him that many of my worst case scenarios have happened to which he replied, "Of course they have...you have thought of so many worse case, bizarre scenarios that some are bound to happen, but you didn't will them into existence with your mind." Maybe he should be a therapist!!!
Well, last night these emotional differences came to a head. I know that in my previous post I made a resolution that I would stop the fester cycle, but once again it caught up to me. I laid into MH about not feeling like he cared what was happening to us, not really wanting to have a baby, and other things that will remain private. Finally, we had a more rational discussion. He is worried about his health and why this is happening, and he does want to have children. We talked about our differences, and about how he let me deal with things my way, but when he was trying to deal with things in his own way I attacked him.
I realized this is true. I need him to feel and experience this in the same way I am. I need him to feel the despair, the devastation, and the primal desire to have a child that I have, but he can't. He isn't wired that way, and it isn't some kind of personality defect. It isn't a statement of how much he loves me, or his commitment to me. It is just who he is. He can't worry about things that may not even happen. This is hard for me to accept. I think of myself as being so accepting and non judgmental, but maybe I'm really not.
It has also been hard to accept that MH doesn't think about having children the same way I do. I feel motherhood is my destiny. It is my raison d'etre. It is something I know I will actually be good at. The desire and the ability to have children is something that defines who I am as woman and a person. Having children is not something that defines MH at the core of who he is. In some ways I don't think men (yes, I am going to generalize here so put your big girl panties on and deal) can understand the need to have children. It isn't as deeply rooted in them psychologically. Girls are conditioned from the time they can hold a doll to be mothers. Most men never even had dolls. Girls grew up taking care of their dolls, feeding them, playing house, and playing school. I can remember people saying to me as a little girl, "What a good mommy you'll be." Boys don't grow up with this pervasive message of being a good daddy. How can men understand that an infertility diagnosis will change and disrupt something women think of as the very essence of being a woman?
I truly have to find a way to come to terms with this because our journey whatever it is will probably be hard enough without locking horns over our philosophical views of parenthood and self. I want to be a good partner. I don't want to grow apart or continue to get angry because MH isn't dealing with this situation how I want him to. The reality is, unfortunately, there is nothing MH can do to comfort me right now, and even if he were reacting the same way I am it probably wouldn't be enough. I think along with being an emotional slut; I am emotionally insatiable.
Emotionally, MH and I are very different people. I am extremely emotional and extremely pessimistic...I can find 20 gazillion reasons why something will, absolutely go wrong. I think part of this is just my general personality. The other part is the severe anxiety and the obsessive-compulsive thinking patterns that began plaguing me in my early twenties.
One of my therapists said something profound to me that I try to repeat in times of crisis (real or imagined.) She said, "Just because you think it doesn't mean it will happen. You don't have that kind of power." My problem is two-fold. I honestly believe (in the irrational part of my brain) that I can keep things from happening if I worry about them enough, and that I have some kind of supernatural power that when something pops into my head it will happen. For example, if I am casually reading the paper and come across and article on ovarian cancer my mind goes straight to 'this must be a sign, you are reading this for a reason...you must have ovarian cancer.' Then I go straight out and research this, and convince myself through any twinge I have felt that "Yep, I have cancer." Then I worry myself sick until I go to the doctor and find out no I don't have cancer. Then I am convinced that the worrying about it actually made it not happen. Repeat with every illness/situation ad nauseum.
MH on the other hand is super rational. His mantra would be "Worrying is useless. Why would I do something that makes me feel worse?" He believes that whatever happens will happen in the manner in which it supposed to and when it is supposed to. Needless to say he doesn't believe I have any psychic powers! I did tell him that many of my worst case scenarios have happened to which he replied, "Of course they have...you have thought of so many worse case, bizarre scenarios that some are bound to happen, but you didn't will them into existence with your mind." Maybe he should be a therapist!!!
Well, last night these emotional differences came to a head. I know that in my previous post I made a resolution that I would stop the fester cycle, but once again it caught up to me. I laid into MH about not feeling like he cared what was happening to us, not really wanting to have a baby, and other things that will remain private. Finally, we had a more rational discussion. He is worried about his health and why this is happening, and he does want to have children. We talked about our differences, and about how he let me deal with things my way, but when he was trying to deal with things in his own way I attacked him.
I realized this is true. I need him to feel and experience this in the same way I am. I need him to feel the despair, the devastation, and the primal desire to have a child that I have, but he can't. He isn't wired that way, and it isn't some kind of personality defect. It isn't a statement of how much he loves me, or his commitment to me. It is just who he is. He can't worry about things that may not even happen. This is hard for me to accept. I think of myself as being so accepting and non judgmental, but maybe I'm really not.
It has also been hard to accept that MH doesn't think about having children the same way I do. I feel motherhood is my destiny. It is my raison d'etre. It is something I know I will actually be good at. The desire and the ability to have children is something that defines who I am as woman and a person. Having children is not something that defines MH at the core of who he is. In some ways I don't think men (yes, I am going to generalize here so put your big girl panties on and deal) can understand the need to have children. It isn't as deeply rooted in them psychologically. Girls are conditioned from the time they can hold a doll to be mothers. Most men never even had dolls. Girls grew up taking care of their dolls, feeding them, playing house, and playing school. I can remember people saying to me as a little girl, "What a good mommy you'll be." Boys don't grow up with this pervasive message of being a good daddy. How can men understand that an infertility diagnosis will change and disrupt something women think of as the very essence of being a woman?
I truly have to find a way to come to terms with this because our journey whatever it is will probably be hard enough without locking horns over our philosophical views of parenthood and self. I want to be a good partner. I don't want to grow apart or continue to get angry because MH isn't dealing with this situation how I want him to. The reality is, unfortunately, there is nothing MH can do to comfort me right now, and even if he were reacting the same way I am it probably wouldn't be enough. I think along with being an emotional slut; I am emotionally insatiable.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
"Pain is God's megaphone." C.S. Lewis
I am currently reading The Purpose Driven Life. You read a chapter everyday for forty days. Yesterday's chapter was particularly fitting for me now. It described why pain occurs in your life. The basic premise was that God sometimes allows pain your life to get your attention, and to bring you back to Him. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this concept. I mean did God really feel like the only way to get my attention was infertility?! This is the one thing that I have feared and agonized over for years. Does God pick something that you desperately fear, but knows you can survive to pull you back to Him, or is it more random? Is every horrible event: death, disease, abuse, rape, kidnapping, fire, or home invasion designed to individually grab that person's attention or the attention of an entire family? How many chances do you get before drastic measures are taken? What if this didn't make me renew my faith; would something worse happen? On the other hand isn't it safer that God is in control of the situation. Does this explanation of pain allow the human mind to cope with devastating news since there is a purpose behind it? Does 'pain with a purpose' indicate how much God loves us, and really wants to give us every opportunity grow with Him? Also, I wonder if there was no pain, no suffering would we appreciate the happiness we experience. Will I love my children more because of the pain I will have to go through to get there? I'm not really sure what the different schools of thought are regarding God 'allowing' bad things to happen to good people. I know some people rail against God demanding answers, but sometimes I don't think God gives answers...at least not in ways that we expect. Is this grounds for dismissing God? I think this is the easy way out..."Well, God allowed this so He must be bad, or out to punish me." As you grow and mature spiritually, I think God asks you truly examine your life and what/whom you are living for. This is hard, but enduring pain without God is even harder.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Justify Your Anger
I have had problems with anger for most of my adult life. Anger frightens me. I feel like if I get angry people will stop liking me, but in my complex behaviors to avoid expressing my anger it winds up exploding and hurting the people I love the most.
Fester, fester, fester...ok this is an admittedly gross analogy, but the most appropriate I think. My anger is like a little piece of meat under the seat of a car. Picture a beautiful car...I always picture a black Range Rover, then somehow, probably by accident a little piece of meat (maybe you left the windows down and your cat dragged it's latest victim in) gets under your driver's seat. It's so small you never really see it; much less acknowledge it. You are cruising the streets blastin' some Journey on a spring day with your windows down. Every HAWT guy you pass is staring...you girl...are looking Fiiiiine! Then you get home and roll up the windows, and the next morning when you leave to get a mani/pedi (in this analogy you are independently wealthy) you notice your pristine car smells a little off, but you ignore it you have things to do!!!!! The next week as it gets a little hotter, and the leather interior smells less like leather and more like....well something you have never smelled before. So you get the Febreze...perfect all better. So you spray the interior everyday with Febreze...problem solved! Then spring turns overnight night into the muggy summer of the South. You open your door one afternoon after hitting Saks, dahling, and a wall of putrid odor strikes you. It is unmistakably rotten flesh. You hop in ...this can't be happening you think, how embarrassing, in your perfect car!!!!! Finally, you go to a professional detailer who pronounces that you have let this go on for so long that you will probably have to buy a whole new car, or completely gut the interior.
This is how my anger seems to work; by the time I even realize that I am actually very angry I have said and done awful things that can't be taken back or forgotten. Unfortunately, it would probably be easier for me to buy a Range Rover then to make up for things I have done when I'm angry.
So in the spirit of change and personal growth I'm going to admit my anger before the fester stage.
Ok, here it goes, and I'm not going to justify why I am either...SO THERE!!!!
I am angry: at the doctor who told us we would not be able to have children with no preamble or explanation or course of action, at MH for not reacting to this in the same way I am, every pregnant woman at my office, at God, that teenage crack whores can get pregnant without trying, at people who ignore/abuse their children, at people who diminish how I am feeling, at my insurance company for being so cheap, and at myself.
I am so angry I feel like I'm going to explode. I want to break things, destroy things, ruin things... anything that will provide me with a second of relief from this monster. I want to wake up and have this be a bad dream, I want a miracle, I want to know 'why me, why now,' I want to know how this will end....
Fester, fester, fester...ok this is an admittedly gross analogy, but the most appropriate I think. My anger is like a little piece of meat under the seat of a car. Picture a beautiful car...I always picture a black Range Rover, then somehow, probably by accident a little piece of meat (maybe you left the windows down and your cat dragged it's latest victim in) gets under your driver's seat. It's so small you never really see it; much less acknowledge it. You are cruising the streets blastin' some Journey on a spring day with your windows down. Every HAWT guy you pass is staring...you girl...are looking Fiiiiine! Then you get home and roll up the windows, and the next morning when you leave to get a mani/pedi (in this analogy you are independently wealthy) you notice your pristine car smells a little off, but you ignore it you have things to do!!!!! The next week as it gets a little hotter, and the leather interior smells less like leather and more like....well something you have never smelled before. So you get the Febreze...perfect all better. So you spray the interior everyday with Febreze...problem solved! Then spring turns overnight night into the muggy summer of the South. You open your door one afternoon after hitting Saks, dahling, and a wall of putrid odor strikes you. It is unmistakably rotten flesh. You hop in ...this can't be happening you think, how embarrassing, in your perfect car!!!!! Finally, you go to a professional detailer who pronounces that you have let this go on for so long that you will probably have to buy a whole new car, or completely gut the interior.
This is how my anger seems to work; by the time I even realize that I am actually very angry I have said and done awful things that can't be taken back or forgotten. Unfortunately, it would probably be easier for me to buy a Range Rover then to make up for things I have done when I'm angry.
So in the spirit of change and personal growth I'm going to admit my anger before the fester stage.
Ok, here it goes, and I'm not going to justify why I am either...SO THERE!!!!
I am angry: at the doctor who told us we would not be able to have children with no preamble or explanation or course of action, at MH for not reacting to this in the same way I am, every pregnant woman at my office, at God, that teenage crack whores can get pregnant without trying, at people who ignore/abuse their children, at people who diminish how I am feeling, at my insurance company for being so cheap, and at myself.
I am so angry I feel like I'm going to explode. I want to break things, destroy things, ruin things... anything that will provide me with a second of relief from this monster. I want to wake up and have this be a bad dream, I want a miracle, I want to know 'why me, why now,' I want to know how this will end....
Mom, will you buy me a baby?
I had the most awkward discussion with my mom last night. She previously agreed to pay for the costs of our fertility treatment, but until last night I don't think she knew that the price tag was around $30,000 for three cycles. Money is something that is not discussed on my mom's side of the family, and to say that my mom is very private would be an understatement.
I have never felt so awful and guilty in my entire life. I don't like to think about my mom using her retirement or going into debt for us. This makes a part of me not even want to go down this path. It makes me feel incredibly selfish, but I can't reconcile this with the part of me that desperately wants a child.
Unfortunately, the more advanced fertility treatments would be out of our reach without my mother. How do you ever repay someone for making all your dreams come true, or even giving you the chance to have your dreams come true?
I have never felt so awful and guilty in my entire life. I don't like to think about my mom using her retirement or going into debt for us. This makes a part of me not even want to go down this path. It makes me feel incredibly selfish, but I can't reconcile this with the part of me that desperately wants a child.
Unfortunately, the more advanced fertility treatments would be out of our reach without my mother. How do you ever repay someone for making all your dreams come true, or even giving you the chance to have your dreams come true?
Friday, August 3, 2007
Changes in Attitudes, Changes in Platitudes
Main Entry: plat·i·tude Pronunciation: 'pla-t&-"tüd, -"tyüdFunction: nounEtymology: French, from plat flat, dull1 : the quality or state of being dull or insipid 2 : a banal, trite, or stale remark
Platitudes seem to be the currency of infertility. Here are a few of my favorites (and we've barely begun our journey): don't worry until there's something to worry about, doctors know best, don't borrow trouble, it's not like you have cancer or are dying, at least you have each other, and you can always adopt.
I know that people don't really know what to say, and I try to be understanding BUT sometimes I want to SCREAM "You've never been through this don't tell me how to think/react!" Infertility can be as difficult as death, but sometimes even more so because I think a lot of people suffer in silence. There seems to be a sense of shame or even a stigma about infertility (I promise it's not contagious!). It's hard because you are the only one grieving for a child that has never even existed.
My dad actually said the thing that has helped me the most. I suppose you could call it the non platitude! He told me that, "God had a plan for me long before I was even born, and that He already knew exactly how all this was going to end." I know that to some people this would be a source of despair, but it has brought comfort to me. Knowing that someone (if you can call God a someone) has control of this situation is sometimes the only thing that gets me through. When I first thought about my purpose and God's plan for me I only thought in negative terms...that perhaps God didn't want me to have children. Gradually, I began to think differently. Maybe God saw my gifts, and knew that I have the patience and the perseverance to go through infertility. Maybe my path to children is different because of who I am, not something I had done and needed to be punished for. Maybe God knows that my heart is so big that I could adopt African orphans and love them as my own. Maybe He knows that my marriage and my faith is strong enough to endure and flourish. Maybe He knows I can help others who are going through the same thing.
I know that to some mentioning God is the ultimate platitude, but as with all platitudes there lies truth and wisdom. Maybe reinterpreting them makes them non platitudes.
Platitudes seem to be the currency of infertility. Here are a few of my favorites (and we've barely begun our journey): don't worry until there's something to worry about, doctors know best, don't borrow trouble, it's not like you have cancer or are dying, at least you have each other, and you can always adopt.
I know that people don't really know what to say, and I try to be understanding BUT sometimes I want to SCREAM "You've never been through this don't tell me how to think/react!" Infertility can be as difficult as death, but sometimes even more so because I think a lot of people suffer in silence. There seems to be a sense of shame or even a stigma about infertility (I promise it's not contagious!). It's hard because you are the only one grieving for a child that has never even existed.
My dad actually said the thing that has helped me the most. I suppose you could call it the non platitude! He told me that, "God had a plan for me long before I was even born, and that He already knew exactly how all this was going to end." I know that to some people this would be a source of despair, but it has brought comfort to me. Knowing that someone (if you can call God a someone) has control of this situation is sometimes the only thing that gets me through. When I first thought about my purpose and God's plan for me I only thought in negative terms...that perhaps God didn't want me to have children. Gradually, I began to think differently. Maybe God saw my gifts, and knew that I have the patience and the perseverance to go through infertility. Maybe my path to children is different because of who I am, not something I had done and needed to be punished for. Maybe God knows that my heart is so big that I could adopt African orphans and love them as my own. Maybe He knows that my marriage and my faith is strong enough to endure and flourish. Maybe He knows I can help others who are going through the same thing.
I know that to some mentioning God is the ultimate platitude, but as with all platitudes there lies truth and wisdom. Maybe reinterpreting them makes them non platitudes.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Da Nile ain't just a river in Egypt, baby!
Well, I'm not sure if anyone will ever read this, but it's supposed to be therapeutic, right?!
My husband and I are facing INFERTILITY! There I said it. Two weeks ago today Husband was diagnosed with hypogonadism. There are two different types of HG: one, primary HG, is very serious and fertility cannot be restored, but maybe, maybe some sperm can be found to do IVF, or secondary HG in which fertility can be restored (somewhat, at least enough to have a good chance with IVF) with hormone therapy. Right now we have no idea which type Husband has.
He was diagnosed by his family doctor who told me that the 'odds were against us having children' then I promptly burst into tears; he apologized and left the room. He reiterated this to Husband over the phone that evening, and said he would have his staff call to get a second opinion with an endocrinologist. I thought this whole thing was very unprofessional...I mean who drops a bomb like that without any kind of follow-up, reassurance, or anything. Then I had to call to find out when the endocrinologist appointment is...November 30th!!!! I felt like this was just too long to wait. This is our fertility, our family, and our dreams so I called and made an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist for August 14th. Hopefully, we will get some answers then.
I feel like my whole life has gone up in smoke. I never thought I would be here. I always thought I'd be able to get pregnant like my mother...she had two children in her 40s. I am so devastated, and so ANGRY!!!! I can't believe that I may not be able to have a bio child. I don't know what to do with my feelings. I feel so alone. Right now only two friends, my mother, and my father-in-law know. I feel like I have been robbed of a normal life. I feel like my whole life is going to be about trying to have a baby. I'm afraid of everything...the treatments, the procedures, the testing, the disappointment, the hope, how angry I am at God right now. The worst part is there's nothing anyone can say to make this feel better.
The worst part is waking up in the morning. In the first instances of wakefulness I have forgotten about all of this, and then in an instant a wave of grief and realization hits me...this is real, this is happening.
My husband and I are facing INFERTILITY! There I said it. Two weeks ago today Husband was diagnosed with hypogonadism. There are two different types of HG: one, primary HG, is very serious and fertility cannot be restored, but maybe, maybe some sperm can be found to do IVF, or secondary HG in which fertility can be restored (somewhat, at least enough to have a good chance with IVF) with hormone therapy. Right now we have no idea which type Husband has.
He was diagnosed by his family doctor who told me that the 'odds were against us having children' then I promptly burst into tears; he apologized and left the room. He reiterated this to Husband over the phone that evening, and said he would have his staff call to get a second opinion with an endocrinologist. I thought this whole thing was very unprofessional...I mean who drops a bomb like that without any kind of follow-up, reassurance, or anything. Then I had to call to find out when the endocrinologist appointment is...November 30th!!!! I felt like this was just too long to wait. This is our fertility, our family, and our dreams so I called and made an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist for August 14th. Hopefully, we will get some answers then.
I feel like my whole life has gone up in smoke. I never thought I would be here. I always thought I'd be able to get pregnant like my mother...she had two children in her 40s. I am so devastated, and so ANGRY!!!! I can't believe that I may not be able to have a bio child. I don't know what to do with my feelings. I feel so alone. Right now only two friends, my mother, and my father-in-law know. I feel like I have been robbed of a normal life. I feel like my whole life is going to be about trying to have a baby. I'm afraid of everything...the treatments, the procedures, the testing, the disappointment, the hope, how angry I am at God right now. The worst part is there's nothing anyone can say to make this feel better.
The worst part is waking up in the morning. In the first instances of wakefulness I have forgotten about all of this, and then in an instant a wave of grief and realization hits me...this is real, this is happening.
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