Da Nile ain't just a river in Egypt, baby!

Well, I'm not sure if anyone will ever read this, but it's supposed to be therapeutic, right?!

My husband and I are facing INFERTILITY! There I said it. Two weeks ago today Husband was diagnosed with hypogonadism. There are two different types of HG: one, primary HG, is very serious and fertility cannot be restored, but maybe, maybe some sperm can be found to do IVF, or secondary HG in which fertility can be restored (somewhat, at least enough to have a good chance with IVF) with hormone therapy. Right now we have no idea which type Husband has.

He was diagnosed by his family doctor who told me that the 'odds were against us having children' then I promptly burst into tears; he apologized and left the room. He reiterated this to Husband over the phone that evening, and said he would have his staff call to get a second opinion with an endocrinologist. I thought this whole thing was very unprofessional...I mean who drops a bomb like that without any kind of follow-up, reassurance, or anything. Then I had to call to find out when the endocrinologist appointment is...November 30th!!!! I felt like this was just too long to wait. This is our fertility, our family, and our dreams so I called and made an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist for August 14th. Hopefully, we will get some answers then.

I feel like my whole life has gone up in smoke. I never thought I would be here. I always thought I'd be able to get pregnant like my mother...she had two children in her 40s. I am so devastated, and so ANGRY!!!! I can't believe that I may not be able to have a bio child. I don't know what to do with my feelings. I feel so alone. Right now only two friends, my mother, and my father-in-law know. I feel like I have been robbed of a normal life. I feel like my whole life is going to be about trying to have a baby. I'm afraid of everything...the treatments, the procedures, the testing, the disappointment, the hope, how angry I am at God right now. The worst part is there's nothing anyone can say to make this feel better.

The worst part is waking up in the morning. In the first instances of wakefulness I have forgotten about all of this, and then in an instant a wave of grief and realization hits me...this is real, this is happening.