Justify Your Anger

I have had problems with anger for most of my adult life. Anger frightens me. I feel like if I get angry people will stop liking me, but in my complex behaviors to avoid expressing my anger it winds up exploding and hurting the people I love the most.

Fester, fester, fester...ok this is an admittedly gross analogy, but the most appropriate I think. My anger is like a little piece of meat under the seat of a car. Picture a beautiful car...I always picture a black Range Rover, then somehow, probably by accident a little piece of meat (maybe you left the windows down and your cat dragged it's latest victim in) gets under your driver's seat. It's so small you never really see it; much less acknowledge it. You are cruising the streets blastin' some Journey on a spring day with your windows down. Every HAWT guy you pass is staring...you girl...are looking Fiiiiine! Then you get home and roll up the windows, and the next morning when you leave to get a mani/pedi (in this analogy you are independently wealthy) you notice your pristine car smells a little off, but you ignore it you have things to do!!!!! The next week as it gets a little hotter, and the leather interior smells less like leather and more like....well something you have never smelled before. So you get the Febreze...perfect all better. So you spray the interior everyday with Febreze...problem solved! Then spring turns overnight night into the muggy summer of the South. You open your door one afternoon after hitting Saks, dahling, and a wall of putrid odor strikes you. It is unmistakably rotten flesh. You hop in ...this can't be happening you think, how embarrassing, in your perfect car!!!!! Finally, you go to a professional detailer who pronounces that you have let this go on for so long that you will probably have to buy a whole new car, or completely gut the interior.

This is how my anger seems to work; by the time I even realize that I am actually very angry I have said and done awful things that can't be taken back or forgotten. Unfortunately, it would probably be easier for me to buy a Range Rover then to make up for things I have done when I'm angry.

So in the spirit of change and personal growth I'm going to admit my anger before the fester stage.

Ok, here it goes, and I'm not going to justify why I am either...SO THERE!!!!

I am angry: at the doctor who told us we would not be able to have children with no preamble or explanation or course of action, at MH for not reacting to this in the same way I am, every pregnant woman at my office, at God, that teenage crack whores can get pregnant without trying, at people who ignore/abuse their children, at people who diminish how I am feeling, at my insurance company for being so cheap, and at myself.

I am so angry I feel like I'm going to explode. I want to break things, destroy things, ruin things... anything that will provide me with a second of relief from this monster. I want to wake up and have this be a bad dream, I want a miracle, I want to know 'why me, why now,' I want to know how this will end....