Fraud

I am beginning to feel like a fertility fraud. In my quest to find support and information I have stumbled upon an Internet message board. Basically, it's a group of anonymous women posting questions, feelings, or whatever about infertility. It's great, although I feel that between this and the blog I can no longer call anyone a geek. I suppose that's OK because I have all sorts of secret nerd behaviors!

As I read about these women, and the struggles they have been through I feel incredibly guilty. Some of them have been trying for 2 or 3 years with no success. They have been through countless failed IUIs and IVFs. These stories frighten and amaze me. It terrifies me because our doctor is so positive that we will be successful in a relatively short amount of time, but I assume so were the doctors of some of these women. What if this happens to me? MH's age is a factor; we don't have 2-3 years. The strength that these women have floors me. I can't imagine seeing negative pregnancy tests month after month after month. How do these women keep the faith? How do they forge ahead into the unknown, in the face of defeat say, 'I know this month is my month,'? Do I have this courage and stamina? Do I want it bad enough? Am I strong enough to face a single line on a pregnancy test even once? We wound up in that doctor's office thinking something was wrong with MH, and it turns out it is me. We found my PCOS by accident, or rather divine intervention, I suppose. I found out before waiting the requisite year of 'trying on your own' that I have a problem. How can I claim to belong with these women, these seasoned veterans of the war on infertility?

The truth is MH and I haven't even 'really' tried to get pregnant. We feel like we have been shoved into the gauntlet. Our plan to wait and try later in the year when we 'feel' more ready has been cast aside. We now feel an urgency because we know how long this could take. I am terrified that we will run out of time. I'm afraid MH won't want to start the second I ovulate. I'm afraid he'll assume everything is OK, and that we have time, but women with PCOS have a much higher incidence of miscarriage so even if we got pregnant would it stick? What if I get cysts and we have to sit cycles out? I feel like the what ifs we have to factor in are hacking away at our 'cushion' time.

I recently found out that my dear friend, Dewey, was diagnosed with PCOS about a year ago. She has been on metformin and clomid with no success. Dewey is such a wonderful person; she deserves a baby. How did I land straight on the doorstep of an RE while she has been seeing a OB/GYN? How is it fair if the metformin makes me ovulate, and not her? How can my newly discovered anguish even stack up to hers? I know that my pain is real to me, but somehow I feel less than. The truth is I don't know what is going to happen to me or Dewey, but I can't shake the feeling that my early, accidental discovery of PCOS makes me less worthy of having a baby. I know that Dewey would never begrudge me for finding out sooner, or seeing an RE sooner, or having the metformin work (at least out-loud, hahahaha!). I know that she hurts for me as I hurt for her.
I've never known another person with PCOS, and neither has she. This makes us members of a club that neither of us want to be in. As unlucky as I feel about having PCOS; I do feel lucky to be in this club with Dewey...