Good Things Come to Those Who....Wait?!

Is this true, or is it something we tell ourselves while we are waiting? This is an interesting phrase because our culture has become one of instant gratification. We have fast food, stores that are open 24 hours, drive thrus (see even the word is shorter!), DVRs; you get the point practically everything is ours for the taking day or night. Our society is also based upon the Puritan work ethic and a 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps' mentality. We don't really like to wait for things. We like to work for them and achieve them. Unfortunately, you can't fool Mother Nature. I feel like my life has become one long waiting game. Everyday seems to drag on indefinitely. I wait all day to go to sleep so I can wake up and take my temperature (temp). For those of you who aren't versed in the bible of baby makin' (Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler) your basal body temperature (BBT) will rise significantly and stay up if you have in fact ovulated. Then you put these lovely numbers on a chart along with you cervical mucous (CM). Oh yes, my friends you dig in your 'hoo and analyze your cervical mucous...sorry Dad and the faint of heart. BTW fertile CM looks just like egg whites! So everyday as soon as my alarm goes off I temp and pray that maybe today is the DAY, maybe I ovulated, maybe I am not broken! It's never the day though...I haven't ovulated in about 9-10 months, but everyday I wait and I hope. Nothing like a great big glass of disappointment to start your day! I digress...the Waiting is part of the Cruelty of Infertility Trifecta, it is accompanied by Hope and Disappointment. You wait to for your period to end, then you wait to ovulate, then you wait to see if you're pregnant, then you wait for your period to start, and then repeat ad nauseum! I feel like my life is broken into two week chunks of time. I hate living a life where I am wishing the day would just end so I can start again. I want to be able to enjoy my life and have fun. I want to be innocent again. I don't want to know about the baby makin' bible. I don't want to wait anymore; good and bad things happen to me regardless of the wait time.

"A Few Good Eggs: Two Chicks Dish on Overcoming the Insanity of Infertility'" Julie Vargo and Maureen Regan

This is my first book review. I picked this book up at the library. I don't want to commit to buying something that may not be helpful, i.e. I am CHEAP!!!! Where to begin...I guess I'll do the bad first. The book is definitely geared towards older moms (35+) who were on the career track, and 'forgot' to have kids or thought they had plenty of time. This part can be down right infuriating for a younger reader. It makes you feel almost as if you shouldn't be having this problem because you are in your 'prime.' It seems to invalidate the feelings of the young infertiles because we are not "running out of time." In my situation we are...MH is going to be 36 and will not have children past 40. Being young doesn't take the pain and grief out of being infertile. Also, the book focuses on recurrent loss because that was the situation for one of the authors. On one hand this was valuable information, but on the other it added a whole new dimension to my stress levels. Thinking about miscarriage, while a reality, is not something I can or need to focus on at this juncture. The book doesn't talk about any treatments in great detail, nor do they really cover any reasons for infertility besides being old. Last thing this book was not written by anyone in the medical profession.
OK, on to the more positive stuff. Since the book was not written by medical professionals it is very conversational and easy to read. There are many things this book covers that the experts don't: what it is really like to miscarry, what IVF meds really do to your body, etc. The book also covers alternative treatments like acupuncture, chiropractics, and herbs in depth. These are helpful things to know and consider that your doctor may not tell you. The things I really loved were the chapters about keeping your marriage intact, and what men are really feeling through this process. In that regard I felt less alone, and like the behavior of MH was normal, or at least occurred in other men. There was also great advice about how to keep infertility from completely devouring you. Sometimes you need to read that it is OK to do other things besides focus on your infertility. I often feel that I will be 'punished' if I am not constantly vigilant and focused on my fertility issues. The tips and tricks on how to stay positive were also a God-send for me because I really let negative things and thoughts spin out of control when I really need to be less stressed and in a positive mind-frame. Lastly, the authors provide empathetic, but frank answers to the dreaded "When is enough, enough?" question.
The book on the whole was OK, and I would recommend checking it out...to me it is not a 'buy.' Warning: there are stories the will scare the bejeezus out of you. If you are not in the right place to read any horror stories don't read it, or at least be very careful in your skimming.

Beast of Burden

I'm sometimes afraid that I'm going to be a terrible mother, and no I'm not fishing for compliments, so hear me out. I'm afraid that the longer it takes to get pregnant, the more it costs, and the more high stakes the infertility game becomes the more I am going to desire the perfect child. I'm not only talking about physically and mentally perfect, but having a child who embodies everything that I have ever wanted. I'm afraid I will want a child who is beautiful, smart, quirky, funny, athletic, thin, talented...everything! I feel like a pregnancy that occurs from a drunken roll in the hay doesn't carry the same emotional baggage as a hard won, financially and emotionally expensive pregnancy occurring in a doctor's office. My child is destined to fail me because for this effort I want a child that will be everything I have dreamed of since I was little, and that desire will be compounded by having a harder row to hoe. I wonder if dreaming about having a baby will make the real thing lackluster. I have always had a problem with entitlement and expectations; being infertile makes it infinitely more difficult to have realistic expectations of a baby. What if I place a burden on my child that they will never be able shoulder? It isn't their fault they couldn't get here without medical intervention. I know that my child will not be perfect. I know that they will fuss, whine, talk back, break curfew, be selfish, and be ungrateful. How will I be able to contain hurling 'you cost me $XX, XXX.XX to even bring you into this world, and this is how you act' at them? Do all parents feel this way regardless of the cost of conception? Do the infertiles have higher expectations than the fertiles, or will the infertiles always be a tad more grateful when they look into the eyes of their surly teenagers? I know we have all seen 'stage mothers.' Are there 'infertility mothers' who expect nothing but the best from their children because the journey was so hard and so long? Will the shadow infertility always haunt us because we sacrificed so much to have children? I worry too that my child will get a terminal disease, be kidnapped, or have something else horrific happen to them. I know every mother fears these things, but I feel like it will be worse for me because I paid to bring this child into the world. How could you come to terms with that, and not feel cheated and simultaneously guilty for the rest of your life? I fear that I am placing all my eggs in my child's basket. Will my child be more than a child, and eventually become an investment that I expect to pay out?