Happiness isn't something I typically let myself indulge in. It seems kind of false and naive. Don't people know that happiness can be taken away in an instant? But, I have been feeling waves of contentment, and well joy lately. I am so incredibly thankful right now. I can't get over how lucky I am. I'm married to a wonderful, funny man, I'm pregnant, I have a job with benefits, I have a wonderful family, and fabulous friends. Does it get better than this?
One of the things that has really struck a chord with me in therapy is that I live a very diminished life. Some of it is the OCD and the anxiety, but some of it is me making conscious choices. I know I'm in danger of sounding a little new-agey, but I want to experience my life. I'm so tired of being afraid all the time; afraid to love my husband all the way, afraid to bond with my baby. I already live like all the bad things I imagine have happened...that's the really sick part. I make a choice not to talk to MH about the baby. I make a choice not to daydream about growing old with MH. What good is my life like this? I wish happiness came easily to me. I had a few good days living in the moment, but then all the anxieties of the blood work, hearing the heart beat, and the NT scan came rushing back. How can I maintain my joyful feelings while perpetually waiting for the other shoe to drop?
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i know how hard it is for you to let go, to not have tight control over everything. i think that is one of the reasons you may not allow yourself to be happy. i am the same way. i hate to indulge myself in something that could be gone 2 seconds later- and for reasons there is no way i can control. so i hear ya girl. and i'm so happy for you that you have this awesome kid coming into the world.
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