A Bad, Bad Trip

Guilt trips....never fun and always hazardous, but nearly impossible to avoid. The men I know don't experience very much guilt. So I am hypothesizing that women feel guilty more often because they are raised to mother, to give endlessly, care endlessly, and comfort endlessly. The worst guilt trip women take in their mid to late twenties involves having children. We all spout (especially the Dems) that it is a woman's choice to have children, but how many of us have inwardly been shocked when we hear that a woman chose not to have children. In that vein, how many women do we actually know that chose not to have children? I personally know one, and I always feel rotten for her that she doesn't have any. She says that she didn't want children, but somehow I am still unsure. Would she have had them if she married someone else, someone younger, someone without a child already? I don't know. Did she have a hard time when her husband didn't want to have more children? Did she feel cheated when her step-child rejected her? Or was she being truthful when she said she did not want children? See what I mean, I don't think many people can accept or fathom a woman choosing not to have a child. I do, however, believe that choosing whether or not to have children is one of the toughest decisions to be made. It's ironic that you have to make such a life altering choice while you are relatively young and starting your career. My friend Lil is coming to this watershed moment in her life. This is such a personal decision, but everyone from her mother to her a bank teller will have opinions about it. Would it help her to know that I sometimes have doubts about it? I am afraid I won't live up to the challenge, I am afraid I won't be able to love a baby, I am afraid of losing myself completely once I have children. Why am I persisting in having a child and willing to do whatever it takes despite these fears? It was a collection of moments for me: Ellie, a girl I nannied for, laughing, her red hair and blue eyes like me, holding a friend's baby, watching my siblings grow up, the moment that my mom and I became friends, looking at my husband while he sleeps and having this feeling that I wouldn't be complete until we made a life together. Are these reasons rational or grounded in logic? No. Are they real? Yes. Why doesn't my friend think she wants to have children? For many of the same reasons that make me apprehensive. She also wants to have a long and successful career. Lil has always been highly driven, and a career completes who she is in a fundamental way. I hear some of you saying, 'Well, you can have both.' I'm sorry that's not true!!!! You can't do everything well; it's impossible. This is the horrible legacy the women's movement has left us. No one I know wants a nanny spending 70-80 hours a week with their child...talk about selfish! You can't have it all; something has to give. It's usually the children who lose...I've seen this first hand nannying. So my friend is left plagued by guilt ...shouldn't she have children; she's able to...is she being selfish? No, I don't think so. I don't think choosing to be child free is selfish, but I do worry about her waiting until it is too late. I don't want to see her heartbroken. I'll tell her what a dear friend told me, "Clarify your values, base your decisions on what you value most, and then go after it full force." So, here I am...