20w2d: Bitter Moment

Sigh. I am still infertile. I was reading another infertile's blog today. She had a picture of a gyno exam table complete with stirrups, and the headline "Where the Magic Happens." It made me cry...not dainty tears, but full out sobbing at my desk. That's where our 'magic' happened too; in an office, on a table, not at home, not just the two of us.

Yes, I am pregnant now. Yes, I am beyond grateful everyday. Yes, I am lucky. Unfortunately, the hurt and fear is still there just below the surface. Sometimes, when people ask me when I am due I have to put in a disclaimer, "Well, if everything works out." This, of course, makes people stare at you like you are CRAZY person.

I am already planning out when we need to start treatments again. What if things aren't so easy next time? MH just wants to forget. So, here I am. Alone. I still don't feel like a 'success story,' but I don't really fit in with those who are still fighting the good fight.

20w: Halfway!!!!

I can't believe I am halfway there, or I guess that Savannah is halfway here!!! She is about the size of a banana, 10 inches head to foot and 10 1/2 ounces.

We had a fun weekend. Daddy went crazy in Babies R' Us! We bought some toys, bibs, bouncer, Johnnie Jump Up thing, high chair, and swing. Oh, and we bought our car seat at another baby store in Charleston. I think daddy wanted to buy more more, but I wanted there to be somethings left for other people to buy! We also bought our video camera.

We are going to be renting the house MH is staying in CT which is great news. No deposits, no icky landlords, no apartment searching! Plus, we have a garage, free internet, yard, and they will pay half the satellite bill! I am so excited. One more big thing down!!!!

19w1d: Mother's Day

Miss Savannah got me a dozen red roses for Mother's Day...isn't she just the sweetest girl in the world???!!! Baby girl is the size of an Heirloom tomato today (about 6 inches head to rump, and 9 oz.)

We had a great weekend visiting friends in DC. We even had a tour of the West Wing!!!! VIP all the way! Unfortunately, I was really exhausted by the end of the weekend. I even had to take Monday off. It's so hard adjusting to not being able to go full-force anymore. I don't know how people survive being pregnant and having a toddler!!!

Not much else to report. I have my next doctor's appointment on the 20th. I hope that my weight gain is OK.

17w1d: Shopping Spree!

Oh wow! I knew shopping for baby stuff would be fun, but it's even better than I had imagined. Someone came over the other day, and asked if we already had our shower...HAHA! The dining room is almost FULL!

So Far:
- Stroller (about 40% off)
-Pack n Play (gift from FIL)
-Play mat (great deal at TJ Maxx)
-Bundle Me (great deal at TJ's)
-A big, ol' bag of clothes (sale at Gymboree)
-Bedding (being discontinued at Pottery Barn)

16w2d: IT'S A GIRL!!!

Here's our sweet baby girl, Savannah. I called MH when I left the OB's office, and he really wanted to know, so I ripped open the envelope. Obviously, the ultrasound picture said, "girl." We were both a little shocked. I don't know why, I mean there is a 50-50 shot! I guess I had been relating to the baby as a boy this whole time. I have no idea why!!!

We are both terrified that our baby girl will have lupus. MH's sister and mother both passed away due to lupus related infections. They were both exhibiting symptoms in early childhood. It's a very painful and debilitating disease. There's no cure, and the treatments are often worse than the disease itself. The good news is MH has tested negative for antibodies, and I don't have any family history. The geneticist we met with said there was only a 3-5% chance any of our children would have lupus. So, we'll just pray, and try to eliminate as many environmental triggers as possible.

This is not to say that we are not very, very happy!!! Miss Savannah is healthy. She has all her organs, and is growing right on schedule. This week she is the size of an avocado!!! I am so, so excited to buy all the cute girl stuff. I think MH is scared I'm going to spend every last cent of his new paycheck!

15w3d: Is it Monday, yet?

Monday is our 'big' ultrasound!!! They will be able to tell us what we are having, and I suppose most importantly that all the organs are present and are the right size. I can't wait to be able to use the appropriate pronoun instead of 'it' and 'the baby.' On the downside MH won't be able to be there. He will be working in CT all week. They will make him a DVD, though. We decided to have them write the gender on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope so we can open it together when he gets home on Saturday. I told my father-in-law that he might have to put said envelope in his safe so I don't rip it open. Next week is going to be a long one...

13w4d: Tidbits

The blood work for the NT scan came back yesterday: less than 1/10,000 for trisomies 13, 18 , and 21. This is as low as the odds go for their lab. I feel really great about it. The NT ultrasound was AMAZING! They project the ultrasound on a big TV so you can see everything. We saw two arms, two legs, a brain, and a stomach. Oh, and we were able to see little, tiny fingers. I think Le Bebe looks like me in profile, MH didn't agree. Oh well, as the mother I get to be right about this one!

It also dawned on me yesterday that odds are this baby is going to be coming out one way or another. Labor and delivery has been such an abstract concept for me. It literally never occurred to me that I was going to have to get a baby out of me. I know this sounds stupid, but I have spent so much time researching getting pregnant that things like birth and newborn care seem very far out of my scope.

I am experiencing a few new pregnancy symptoms, namely pregnancy brain and hormonal crying jags. The other day I couldn't think of the word lunch...I told my co-worker I was going to eat the meal you have in the middle of the day. I am NOT kidding!!! It was embarrassing. I also spent a good minute staring into the fridge wondering where the silverware was to set the table. Oh, and as some of you know I am a crier, but now it has become almost daily and nearly hysterical in nature like when MH wouldn't go get me McDonald's right that second. This was obviously because he didn't love me or want our child, not because he needed to put on his shirt and shoes.

I think things have worked out on the job front. MH is going to be working in Chapel Hill, NC for a couple months as a consultant, and them move to CT in a full-time position. I will be staying here and working until the baby comes.