So, I cried myself to sleep last night. I just want to be pregnant. I can't even look at pictures of myself without categorizing them as 'Before we knew there was a problem' and the 'After' pictures. There's one on my desk at work where I look so happy and carefree. That girl is dead. She'll never be back.

The loss of innocence is so complete. I am a woman now. I got pregnant and lost a child. A child that nobody, but me even misses. I am expected to be fine, but I'm not. I'm angry. I want to hurt somebody. I want to make them feel something close to what I feel everyday. I had been feeling very at peace, but I think as the time comes closer for me to POAS again (Monday) I am feeling everything like it is fresh.

I had the stupid, vivid dreams last night where I am telling MH that I am pregnant, where I get to see a positive test and feel that excitement and promise again. I hate waking up...

Thermodynamics and Infertility

Admittedly, I know next to nothing about thermodynamics, but I remember learning the laws that govern them go something like this: 1. You can't win 2. You can't break even 3. You can't get out of the game.

I am back in the game...

Cold Comfort

I really want to to give up right now. I feel like I'm never going to have a child, maybe I'm not meant to be a mother. I just celebrated my 27th birthday. Another year has gone by without a baby. This year I thought I was going to be pregnant on my birthday instead I had a steak and a glass of wine, what a consolation...

I try to count my blessings. I know I am young, have low FSH, have a normal uterus, and both my tubes, but having a miscarriage is a terrible double-edged sword. You can get pregnant, but what if there is something else wrong that makes staying pregnant impossible.

I'm terrified right now. Terrified of starting over and trying again, and equally scared that I might give up. I don't feel strong enough to keep doing this. How do you keep the faith? I want to be positive, but I'm having a hard time. Now, when I see babies I don't think 'someday,' I think 'never, not me.' It's sad. I hate feeling this way. I need to feel hopeful again, but I can't.

Little Ben

I've written this post over and over again in my head. I got pregnant, my HcG numbers even doubled. I thought I was safe. Then I started spotting, and my pregnancy hormone numbers plummeted. Ben, my poor little embryo was gone. This Hell was supposed to be over. I had the perfect cycle right down to the pregnancy, and now it is all gone. I loved that little ball of cells from the second I found out. I thought I was tough enough and cynical enough to avoid the excitement, and falling in love with that fragile embryo. Not by a long shot...

When I tested and it was negative at 13dpo I thought "OK, next cycle." I was sad, but I had begun to get over it. Then my period never showed so I tested, and it was positive. I couldn't believe it. I thought it was the mircale I had been praying for for so long. I thought I was done with infertility. How could I have been so foolish to believe that I could be so lucky? I guess struggling with why God let me get pregnant in the first place, only to take it away? I guess though I am no different than anyone else, being infertile doesn't grant you an automatic safe and healthy pregnancy pass.

Now, my worry has taken on a whole new dimension. Now, instead of just what if I can't get pregnant; it's become what if I keep getting pregnant and having miscarriages. What if I am an habitual aborter, and really could they not have thought of a better name?! It sucks that to even get the tests I would have to go through this two more times.

Also, MH is having surgery to fuse part of his spine sometime in January. This means that any baby making is on hold until April or May. This is probably the hardest part. I hate wasting time. I hate that a large part of me wants MH to just 'suck it up' until we get pregnant and then have his surgery. I hate that I am going to be angry with him for the next 3 or 4 months.

OK, silver lining moment:

1. I can get pregnant!
2. I got to see a positive pregnancy test.
3. My baby won't suffer; the most common cause of miscarriage is chromosomal abnormalities that are incredibly severe.