So, I cried myself to sleep last night. I just want to be pregnant. I can't even look at pictures of myself without categorizing them as 'Before we knew there was a problem' and the 'After' pictures. There's one on my desk at work where I look so happy and carefree. That girl is dead. She'll never be back.
The loss of innocence is so complete. I am a woman now. I got pregnant and lost a child. A child that nobody, but me even misses. I am expected to be fine, but I'm not. I'm angry. I want to hurt somebody. I want to make them feel something close to what I feel everyday. I had been feeling very at peace, but I think as the time comes closer for me to POAS again (Monday) I am feeling everything like it is fresh.
I had the stupid, vivid dreams last night where I am telling MH that I am pregnant, where I get to see a positive test and feel that excitement and promise again. I hate waking up...
1 comment:
Oh sweetie, I just want to give you a big hug! ((hugs)) Those feelings are completely normal and I think all of us suffering it with IF have them at some point. There are no magic words to make it easier. We just need to keep truckin' along and somehow, someway, we find the strength to go on. Allow yourself time to grieve as with IF you are dealing with a true loss that often no one else can see or understand. Take care of yourself sweetie!
Post a Comment