12w2d Nervous

I'm feeling slightly unsettled right now. I am worried about the NT scan tomorrow. I just want our baby to be healthy. The stroller came yesterday. We put it together last night, and now it's just sitting in the dining room looking menacing. I know that sounds silly, but I feel like it is just waiting to torture me for ever thinking we will have a real, live baby.

I'm also feeling stressed about MH's job situation. He has had a semi-formal offer made by a hedge fund in Connecticut. The fund needs to schedule time for MH to come to Connecticut meet the COO, and finalize his salary. This all happened Monday. Now, we are waiting on pins and needles to hear back about the meeting date. I know the COO is a busy man, but come on SET A DATE this pregnant lady needs a plan!

12w1d: Precious

We heard the heart beat at today's appointment. It took the Dr. (seemingly) forever to find it. I thought I might just have a heart attack right then and there! Then she found it. I can't even describe how beautiful a sound it was. I, of course, cried and cried.

We have our anatomy scan at the end of April, and will be able to find out the gender if Le Bebe will cooperate. So very exciting. My blood pressure was a little elevated, but not high and the Dr. isn't worried. My weight gain looks good, and praise be I got a prescription for a stool softener. We also decided to schedule an induction later down the road. I know inductions are somewhat controversial, but we had to make a decision that will be best for our family.

I'm going to tell my extended family that we are expecting this weekend as long as the NT scan on Thursday looks good. YAY!

12w: Amazed

Twelve weeks today. I have an OB appointment tomorrow where we will (hopefully) hear the heart beat with the Doppler. I'm actually excited about it. Then on Thursday we go out of town for our NT scan. MH is hoping to see a penis. I'm afraid he's going to be terribly disappointed (I think it is still too early), but I will let the Dr. crush his hopes.

In a fit of total optimism and confidence I bought a stroller for 30% off. It is our 'dream' stroller-which I can't believe my life has taken a turn where I have a dream stroller! We also talked about having a real, live baby. SCARY! MH is officially excited, but still a little scared.

Oh, and Le Bebe is the size of a lime today!

11w2d: Fig

I meant to add this on Monday. The Wiblet is the size of a fig this week. Are you excited?

11w1d: Happy?!

Happiness isn't something I typically let myself indulge in. It seems kind of false and naive. Don't people know that happiness can be taken away in an instant? But, I have been feeling waves of contentment, and well joy lately. I am so incredibly thankful right now. I can't get over how lucky I am. I'm married to a wonderful, funny man, I'm pregnant, I have a job with benefits, I have a wonderful family, and fabulous friends. Does it get better than this?

One of the things that has really struck a chord with me in therapy is that I live a very diminished life. Some of it is the OCD and the anxiety, but some of it is me making conscious choices. I know I'm in danger of sounding a little new-agey, but I want to experience my life. I'm so tired of being afraid all the time; afraid to love my husband all the way, afraid to bond with my baby. I already live like all the bad things I imagine have happened...that's the really sick part. I make a choice not to talk to MH about the baby. I make a choice not to daydream about growing old with MH. What good is my life like this? I wish happiness came easily to me. I had a few good days living in the moment, but then all the anxieties of the blood work, hearing the heart beat, and the NT scan came rushing back. How can I maintain my joyful feelings while perpetually waiting for the other shoe to drop?

I Feel Like I Need to Address This...

I know that my anonymous commenter didn't mean to be hurtful, or insulting in their comment about 'being concerned only with what I can control,' but it stung. I wish and pray every night that I could stop the ruminating. Believe me if it was that easy I would have stopped long, long ago. I guess the seemingly innocuous comment set off some things that I really struggle with; namely the way we sweep mental illness under the rug in this country. I could go on and on about public policy, pharmaceutical companies, shifty therapists, lack of education, and lack of funding, but I'll talk about my own experience instead.

I am mentally ill. I have a diagnosis...two actually: generalized anxiety disorder and OCD. When I talk about it to my own husband he tries to downplay it as just being a 'worrier,' and says that I am not really sick. Living a life where your partner can't accept a part of you is awful. He will never understand, my family will never understand, nor will my friends. These people love me a great deal, but they will never get it. They all to some degree think I should just have a little more will power or try just a little more. Would they tell a diabetic to just try a little harder to produce and metabolize insulin? No, they would be sympathetic; they would want to walk in charity walks, give to foundations because diabetes is a 'legitimate' disease. This is not a life I have chosen for myself. I don't like feeling this way.

I can't even describe what is like to have your brain take you hostage. I can't let my mind wander for a second. I have to be constantly on guard for any thought that could lead to a downward spiral. When I read the paper I wonder if the articles are trying to warn me about all the bad things that could happen. My mind convinces me that terrible, horrific things will happen to those I love if I don't worry about every worst case scenario. The OCD has made me think I have magical powers...that I have supreme control over events if I just ruminate on them long enough. Example: I didn't really worry about having a miscarriage with my first pregnancy and BAM what happened!!! I wasn't being vigilant enough. I caused it, and I could have prevented it. I know in my rational brain that there is no way I caused a miscarriage by not worrying about it, but when the OCD/emotional part of my brain takes over I become all powerful and there is no amount of logic that will convince me otherwise.

I guess I just wanted to say that we are out here walking among you. I don't hear things, I don't see things, nor am I dangerous, but all the same I am what mentally ill looks like.

10w1d: First OB Appointment

I made it to the OB for something other than a PAP smear! The visit took FOREVER because my doctor was also delivering a baby, but I guess that's the name of the game. I thought it would be a lot more, well exciting, I guess. The nurse asked a few questions, I peed in a cup, got weighed, had my blood pressure taken, and gave a TON of blood. I am nervous wreck about my blood work. Hopefully, I don't have Hep or syphilis or worse. I debated about sharing this worry, but it's what's in my head now. Of course, all the results won't be back for a week so I can continue to torture myself. YAY! I'm really not doing very well with my anxiety/OCD right now. I feel like I'm drowning, but I do have an appointment with my shrink tomorrow maybe she can rework the few meds I can take to make me feel halfway stable.

The maternal fetal medicine (MFM) office called this morning to schedule our NT scan (Downs Syndrome screening). I was really stressed about scheduling this appointment, but of course (as usual) nothing I worried about going wrong happened...I didn't have to fight with the OB to get a referral, my OB faxed everything, the MFM office called, they were able to fit me in. Why am I so crazy? I can't believe how much time I spent (wasted) worrying about something that has become very routine.

My blood pressure was high at my visit...in the 140s...higher than it's ever been. I hope I was just nervous, but honestly I have been much, much more nervous at previous appointments like my m/c confirmation appointment and my first u/s. I hope that is lower next time, but I'm not so sure.

9w3d: Graduated from the RE!!!

What a milestone...I don't have to go back to my RE anymore, well until the next time we want to have a baby. I'm going to go the OB...WOO-HOO!

The ultrasound was perfect. Le Bebe actually looked somewhat baby-like, and measured exactly on track 9w2d!!!! YAY!! It wiggled around a bit, but stopped...I think it sensed we were staring intently. Maybe Le Bebe is shy? Hmmmmm....modesty is not going to be welcome because I am going to show this baby off until it's own grandmother is sick to death of looking at it!!!!

I'm feeling really good right now. I was telling MH at lunch yesterday that we were going to have a real, live baby, and he just looked at me like I was crazy, and said "Well, yeah what did you think was going to happen when you are doing fertility treatments." This kind of thinking amazes me, and well angers me a bit too. Doesn't he know that there a women out there who have done everything under the sun, and don't have a real, live baby? I guess there is still a part of me that never thought all our trying would end in an actual baby.

As my therapist said on Tuesday..."There is absolutely no evidence that you will not have a real, live baby in October. You need to start living in the here and now." So for today that's just what I'm going to do.

9wks Wake Me up in Three Weeks

I'm so ready for the first trimester to be over. I thought (and promised myself) that I was going to enjoy this precious time blah, blah, blah. I can't. I just freaking can't. I'm terrified around the clock. I use all my distraction techniques, but I can't block out the fear.

This morning I thought I had some spotting, but it was just the discharge from my prometrium suppositories. I know this sounds dumb, but the yellow gunk on pink underwear looks kind of spotting like. So, yet another pair of underwear I can't wear. I don't wear any underwear that I can't clearly detect spotting in. I also have to use a special stall in the bathroom at work that has the most light so I can thoroughly inspect both the TP and my undies. This is not to gross you out, but simply illustrative of how crazy I feel.

I really thought after seeing the heartbeat I'd be able to relax a little bit. Well, actually I did for a whole 12 hours after the ultrasound. I suspect that the fear is getting a little stronger because my next u/s is on Wednesday. I'm so afraid that the baby has died, and my body hasn't caught on and we'll be staring a a blank screen on Wednesday.

I'm also driving those around me insane with all my worrying. I can't make it stop. I'm beginning to wonder if having a child is the best choice for my mental health. Everyone says the worry never stops. I can't feel this way for the rest of my life....