Beast of Burden

I'm sometimes afraid that I'm going to be a terrible mother, and no I'm not fishing for compliments, so hear me out. I'm afraid that the longer it takes to get pregnant, the more it costs, and the more high stakes the infertility game becomes the more I am going to desire the perfect child. I'm not only talking about physically and mentally perfect, but having a child who embodies everything that I have ever wanted. I'm afraid I will want a child who is beautiful, smart, quirky, funny, athletic, thin, talented...everything! I feel like a pregnancy that occurs from a drunken roll in the hay doesn't carry the same emotional baggage as a hard won, financially and emotionally expensive pregnancy occurring in a doctor's office. My child is destined to fail me because for this effort I want a child that will be everything I have dreamed of since I was little, and that desire will be compounded by having a harder row to hoe. I wonder if dreaming about having a baby will make the real thing lackluster. I have always had a problem with entitlement and expectations; being infertile makes it infinitely more difficult to have realistic expectations of a baby. What if I place a burden on my child that they will never be able shoulder? It isn't their fault they couldn't get here without medical intervention. I know that my child will not be perfect. I know that they will fuss, whine, talk back, break curfew, be selfish, and be ungrateful. How will I be able to contain hurling 'you cost me $XX, XXX.XX to even bring you into this world, and this is how you act' at them? Do all parents feel this way regardless of the cost of conception? Do the infertiles have higher expectations than the fertiles, or will the infertiles always be a tad more grateful when they look into the eyes of their surly teenagers? I know we have all seen 'stage mothers.' Are there 'infertility mothers' who expect nothing but the best from their children because the journey was so hard and so long? Will the shadow infertility always haunt us because we sacrificed so much to have children? I worry too that my child will get a terminal disease, be kidnapped, or have something else horrific happen to them. I know every mother fears these things, but I feel like it will be worse for me because I paid to bring this child into the world. How could you come to terms with that, and not feel cheated and simultaneously guilty for the rest of your life? I fear that I am placing all my eggs in my child's basket. Will my child be more than a child, and eventually become an investment that I expect to pay out?