I've written this post over and over again in my head. I got pregnant, my HcG numbers even doubled. I thought I was safe. Then I started spotting, and my pregnancy hormone numbers plummeted. Ben, my poor little embryo was gone. This Hell was supposed to be over. I had the perfect cycle right down to the pregnancy, and now it is all gone. I loved that little ball of cells from the second I found out. I thought I was tough enough and cynical enough to avoid the excitement, and falling in love with that fragile embryo. Not by a long shot...
When I tested and it was negative at 13dpo I thought "OK, next cycle." I was sad, but I had begun to get over it. Then my period never showed so I tested, and it was positive. I couldn't believe it. I thought it was the mircale I had been praying for for so long. I thought I was done with infertility. How could I have been so foolish to believe that I could be so lucky? I guess struggling with why God let me get pregnant in the first place, only to take it away? I guess though I am no different than anyone else, being infertile doesn't grant you an automatic safe and healthy pregnancy pass.
Now, my worry has taken on a whole new dimension. Now, instead of just what if I can't get pregnant; it's become what if I keep getting pregnant and having miscarriages. What if I am an habitual aborter, and really could they not have thought of a better name?! It sucks that to even get the tests I would have to go through this two more times.
Also, MH is having surgery to fuse part of his spine sometime in January. This means that any baby making is on hold until April or May. This is probably the hardest part. I hate wasting time. I hate that a large part of me wants MH to just 'suck it up' until we get pregnant and then have his surgery. I hate that I am going to be angry with him for the next 3 or 4 months.
OK, silver lining moment:
1. I can get pregnant!
2. I got to see a positive pregnancy test.
3. My baby won't suffer; the most common cause of miscarriage is chromosomal abnormalities that are incredibly severe.
1 comment:
I see a whole new strength revealed here in your writing. Even through this major disappointment--not once but twice--you come across as strong and hopeful. And you are so right to be positive--you can get pregnant and it happened (relatively) easily! Your attitude is so right...
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