If You're Not Moving Forward, Where Are You Moving?

I have felt very stagnant the last few weeks. The enthusiasm after the first appointment with the RE has worn off. It was such a high to have a plan, and to have a doctor actually take me seriously. Then the real world crept in...the doubt, the fear, the stress, the grief, and the wait. I was feeling so great the first week or so after our appointment. I felt as though I had the teeny-tiniest crumb of control over my life. HA! In August when Dr. S said she wanted to see us back in December I thought great, that seems reasonable, not too far away, right!? I feel like I have lived two lifetimes since then. Dr. S said this break would give metformin a chance to really work, after all 40% of women ovulate on their own after taking met. Ummmmm, where are these 40% they must live in places without an internet connection because I have never 'met' them or heard their stories. I can't honestly believe that I thought I would wind up in the 40% club. I base my entire life on thinking good things will NOT happen so I am not disappointed (yes, I am talking to my therapist about this), but I let myself believe the best about this because surely life is sometimes fair, right!? HAHA! Now, here I am taking provera (again) to start my period. Provera, is a piece of shit (sorry mom!) I feel like how I imagine it feels to be pregnant: emotional, nauseous, sore boobs, tired, and my favorite....HOT FLASHES!!!! When you combine this with the side effects of the met your life is one giant trip to the bathroom, although the tiles feel quite nice when you are having your 507th hot flash of the day, and are so freaking sweaty you look like you ran a marathon! I love having co-workers ask why I am so sweaty! I haven't come up with any acceptable answers to this so I just shrug....really, who asks someone why they are sweating, really, really!!!! I digress...I feel like I am doing nothing to help myself right now. I can't even exercise anymore because by the end of the day I feel like throwing up, I'm going through menopause, I am exhausted, and/or on a really great day feel like I'm going to poop my pants! I want to be DOING something!!!!! I feel like if I do enough, try enough, pray enough, plead enough, research enough, or fill-in-the-blank enough I will prove that I deserve a baby.