Things More Boring Than an Infertile Girl:

Alan Greenspan and Larry King having an oratorical showdown! Yep, that's all of I've got. I'm sure there are other things (maybe), but none come to mind. I'm sure my friends would agree that listening to their once entertaining friend discuss the nuances of her monthly cycle in every conversation is right up there in boringness with Alan Greenspan discussing ANYTHING...even wild orgies! Eeewww, bad images! Anyway, I have fabulous friends, but I feel like some of them are avoiding me and I know why....I AM A BORING, PSYCHO, HOT-MESS right now! I can't think about anything outside of my pelvic cavity. I don't blame them; hell I bore myself sometimes. Morning temps, ovulation, and periods aren't exactly the most titillating conversation topics. I know that my fabulous friends sympathize with me, but they don't empathize with me (except for Dewey, but I probably bore her too!) It just sucks! I want to be a normal person who thinks about normal things! I want my life back; it may not have been much of one, but it was mine it wasn't ruled by my ovaries! ARGHHHHHHH! I have gone back to therapy in hopes of having a place where I can 'get the crazy out'! My therapist is great we're doing cognitive behavioral therapy to treat my OCD and anxiety. Oh yeah, did I mention I have OCD. I'm not a counter, washer, etc. My OCD manifests itself in obsessive thoughts and feelings. My thoughts are like a record that gets stuck. So being infertile and having OCD is a real picnic. I literally can't think about anything else. I feel like such a freak. The things that other people dismiss get lodged in my head and grow like cancer. There's no escape, there's no end just a continuous play back: you will never have children, your life will be empty, you will feel like this forever, you'll never ovulate, your husband will leave you, your friends will abandon you, your family will shun you, you deserve this, you are a failure, you will always see negative pregnancy tests, you're a bad person, you can't have kids because you are unfit, you're crazy, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children. Then after you repeat it enough you actually start to believe it. Then I become convinced that it is true. OCD is vicious. It has robbed me of a normal life. I can't think about anything besides not being able to have a baby, and other disasters at every turn. I want to be carefree again. To my friends I wish that I could promise an end in sight, I wish that I could be more emotionally involved in your lives, I wish I could be the friend you deserve, but right now I can't. I'm exhausted.