So, I cried myself to sleep last night. I just want to be pregnant. I can't even look at pictures of myself without categorizing them as 'Before we knew there was a problem' and the 'After' pictures. There's one on my desk at work where I look so happy and carefree. That girl is dead. She'll never be back.

The loss of innocence is so complete. I am a woman now. I got pregnant and lost a child. A child that nobody, but me even misses. I am expected to be fine, but I'm not. I'm angry. I want to hurt somebody. I want to make them feel something close to what I feel everyday. I had been feeling very at peace, but I think as the time comes closer for me to POAS again (Monday) I am feeling everything like it is fresh.

I had the stupid, vivid dreams last night where I am telling MH that I am pregnant, where I get to see a positive test and feel that excitement and promise again. I hate waking up...

Thermodynamics and Infertility

Admittedly, I know next to nothing about thermodynamics, but I remember learning the laws that govern them go something like this: 1. You can't win 2. You can't break even 3. You can't get out of the game.

I am back in the game...

Cold Comfort

I really want to to give up right now. I feel like I'm never going to have a child, maybe I'm not meant to be a mother. I just celebrated my 27th birthday. Another year has gone by without a baby. This year I thought I was going to be pregnant on my birthday instead I had a steak and a glass of wine, what a consolation...

I try to count my blessings. I know I am young, have low FSH, have a normal uterus, and both my tubes, but having a miscarriage is a terrible double-edged sword. You can get pregnant, but what if there is something else wrong that makes staying pregnant impossible.

I'm terrified right now. Terrified of starting over and trying again, and equally scared that I might give up. I don't feel strong enough to keep doing this. How do you keep the faith? I want to be positive, but I'm having a hard time. Now, when I see babies I don't think 'someday,' I think 'never, not me.' It's sad. I hate feeling this way. I need to feel hopeful again, but I can't.

Little Ben

I've written this post over and over again in my head. I got pregnant, my HcG numbers even doubled. I thought I was safe. Then I started spotting, and my pregnancy hormone numbers plummeted. Ben, my poor little embryo was gone. This Hell was supposed to be over. I had the perfect cycle right down to the pregnancy, and now it is all gone. I loved that little ball of cells from the second I found out. I thought I was tough enough and cynical enough to avoid the excitement, and falling in love with that fragile embryo. Not by a long shot...

When I tested and it was negative at 13dpo I thought "OK, next cycle." I was sad, but I had begun to get over it. Then my period never showed so I tested, and it was positive. I couldn't believe it. I thought it was the mircale I had been praying for for so long. I thought I was done with infertility. How could I have been so foolish to believe that I could be so lucky? I guess struggling with why God let me get pregnant in the first place, only to take it away? I guess though I am no different than anyone else, being infertile doesn't grant you an automatic safe and healthy pregnancy pass.

Now, my worry has taken on a whole new dimension. Now, instead of just what if I can't get pregnant; it's become what if I keep getting pregnant and having miscarriages. What if I am an habitual aborter, and really could they not have thought of a better name?! It sucks that to even get the tests I would have to go through this two more times.

Also, MH is having surgery to fuse part of his spine sometime in January. This means that any baby making is on hold until April or May. This is probably the hardest part. I hate wasting time. I hate that a large part of me wants MH to just 'suck it up' until we get pregnant and then have his surgery. I hate that I am going to be angry with him for the next 3 or 4 months.

OK, silver lining moment:

1. I can get pregnant!
2. I got to see a positive pregnancy test.
3. My baby won't suffer; the most common cause of miscarriage is chromosomal abnormalities that are incredibly severe.

Addict

Why can't I control myself? Why do I have to pee on every stick I have in the house? I know that 9dpo (days past ovulation) is waaaaay too early, I know that 10dpo is still very early, yet I pee and pray. Now I am feeling discouraged and angry at myself. No good can come from POAS early, unless of course you are in fact pregnant. I suppose that is the crux of the whole dang problem.

After seeing the stark white test this morning I began to make myself the same old promises; "I won't POAS until 14dpo, I won't, I really won't.' Who am I kidding? I know I'll hit the Dollar Tree this afternoon and restock. This way I don't feel guilty about wasting money on the negative pee sticks. I even visited peeonastick.com this morning to see which brands detected the lowest amount of hcG. I found one that detected 12.5mL lab studies; that's probably half the amount in other brands, but their official position is still 25mL so I'm not sure that I can justify it.

Until, tomorrow or maybe not. I'm really, really, really going to try not to test until Saturday!!! I Promise!!!

It's "O" fficial!

See I'm punny like that! Ok enough, enough! My body lurves the Clomid! I had my bloodwork done on 3dpo (days past ovulation). At 7dpo they like to see your progesterone at 15 or above for a medicated cycle, although anything over 5 indicates ovulatory activity. Mine was 16.9!!!! So I am already ahead of the game for once in my life. My 3 biggest follicles were 17 mm, 20 mm, and 21 mm my gyno considers anything 16 to be mature. She said it was 'absolutely perfect' ovulation. Ahhh, like Mark Twain I could live for weeks on that compliment.

I feel so good right now, and I'm going to enjoy it this weekend.

Frustration!

OK, so I had my ultrasound and blood work done today. The blood draw was fine, but when I mentioned the ultrasound the nurse says she doesn't see a note about it, and the ultrasound lady is only there Mondays and Wednesdays. Finally, they track down my doctor...who says that yes I do in fact need an ultrasound. She did look at my chart and said it looked "great." I was pleased with that...it seemed encouraging. Well, they get me squeezed in at the hospital for my ultrasound. The tech of course can't tell me anything beyond I have big follicles on my left ovary. Great, thanks. Also, my blood work won't be back until Monday.

I'm not having a good feeling about gyno's office. My Dr. seems competent, but her staff is effin' useless. I'm sorry I don't need to get crap from the receptionist at my my freaking gyno's office. I don't need dirty looks because YOU screwed up and didn't schedule my ultrasound!!!! I'm sorry that I called to clarify that I don't progesterone suppositories because I LOVE LOVE LOVE sticking weird gooey capsules up my va-jay-jay! I'm sorry that my infertility is disturbing you watching Dr. Phil on the waiting room TV.

All this makes me want to go back to RE's office. At least the nurses freaking know what PCOS is. (Oh yeah, my nurse today couldn't understand what a cyst was, and why I needed an ultrasound.) But, I would have to go back to gyno eventually, and frankly I've never had a good doctor's office before so why should this be any different!? Why do doctor's hire the rudest people they can possibly find? All the office people sound so freaking put out when you call. It drives me bonkers. I'm sorry it's your effin' JOB to answer the phones. If you don't like it quit. I know my therapist would say that I need to let this go, and 'not give her the power.' UGH! Ok, I'm going to let it go....

I just want this to work, and I want to feel like the people in charge of making it happen are doing their jobs. MH and I can't make this baby by ourselves.

UPDATE: Dr. just called I have 3 or 4 good follicles. She can't tell if I ovulated without the blood work which will be back before lunch tomorrow! YAY! So far so good...

In the Two Week Wait (hopefully!)

The two week wait (2ww) is the dreaded two weeks between ovulation and your period. It spooks the fertiles and the infertiles alike, not does it matter if you're hoping to see your period or praying for her to miss your house.

My temp rose this morning into ovulation range, and I had a +OPK so I feel sort of, kind of hopeful that this was the month, of course I could have been hot this morning and tomorrow my temp could plummet. I also have my appointment with my gyno tomorrow. So that should provide concrete news either way. They'll do an ultrasound and some blood work, so keep your fingers crossed and say some prayers.

Of course I am going to use this time to analyze every twinge and symptom. Nausea is not the met...I'm PG. I'm tired because I'm PG...not because I stayed up too late watching Law and Order. I have to pee because I'm PG...not because I drank 4 glasses of water. I need that bag of chips, donut, fries, shake, McDonald's for the baby...DUH! That was implantation cramp not gas! I think my loved ones will want to have me committed...is there a Betty Ford for the 2ww? Maybe there should be. It would be like summer camp and a spa all in one, and you could pee on as many sticks as you wanted! Heaven!!!

That Girl...

You all know who 'that girl' is, but you swear that you'll never be her. You scoff at 'that girl' who calls her boyfriend a 100 times a night becoming a little more shrewish each time until she finally screams 'Where are youuuuuuu? Why don't you love meeeeeee?' into his voicemail at three o'clock in the morning. You roll your eyes at 'that girl' who dismisses every sign he's just not that into her...'It's only been 4, 057 hours and 11 minutes, he'll call! We had a connection!" You laugh out loud when you hear 'that girl' say, 'make love, soul mate, my heart hurts, he's the one, or he promised not to do that ever again because he loves me.' Then something shifts, you've been arrogant for too long, you thought you were impervious... you've become 'that girl.'
It probably starts off innocently...you're excited, but then you can't stop. Things fly out of your mouth...you hear yourself say things like 'cosmic and true love' in the same sentence. You vow to stop, but you're too far gone...

Well, I have become 'that girl.' I am long past finding 'true love.' Hopefully, I have found my 'soul mate' (ick I can't even type that with a straight face) since I am doing these GD fertility treatments. I think I am probably the foulest of all varieties of 'that girlness' that BABY girl!

When I was planning my wedding I found this website called The Knot. It had helpful hints, a good planning checklist, and message boards where you could post questions to people who honestly cared if your napkins where the right shade to match the tablecloths and how to word your invitations. Your friends love you, but they don't care...seriously they don't and it's OK! Anyway this site gave way to The Nest. On The Nest you can talk about marriage, houses, having babies, and all the other things that your friends (who love you) don't want to talk about. They don't know or care if you lawn person is ripping you off! So since I have plenty of time on my hands at work I read these things. I don't really post questions, but I am a voyeur what can I say! Also, I will always be thankful because this is how I found out about reproductive endocrinologists, and I have a wonderful support system of other infertiles. I promise I am making a point. There is a board called Babies on the Brain...all of these women are 'that girl.' Examples: 'Do U like the name Kayden or Brayden? It won't hurt my feelings if U don't ;)!' or 'It's been 2 months still not PG-Freaking out!' or ' Is it gross to give my PG test to my husband to tell him we're PG?!'

So I've smirked at 'those girls' all the while feeling very superior. Now I'm just an infertile subspecies of 'that girl.' Let's see here this week alone I have broken every single rule I made for myself in discussing my 'issues.' I have talked about my cervical mucus to all my lovely friends, talked about sex with my mother, talked about my temperatures to anyone with ears, said the words 'baby making sex,' left work to have baby making sex, called the doctors 3x to discuss ovulation, looked at baby stuff online, ate a hot dog because the 'egg' needed it and said this out loud to MH, bought a hokey gift to tell MH when we get PG, peed on multiple sticks to make sure I was ovulating (yes, just ovulating not PG), and I committed what in my mind are the cardinal sins --I shoved my pee sticks in MH's face and then took pictures of them (these were only ovulation tests not PG tests)!!!!!

So what's a girl to do....

PS I did not post the pics on this blog though so HA maybe I'm not really 'that girl'!

The Gateway Drug

Well, I have officially waded into the kiddie pool! Last night I dropped some clomid. My hand was shaking as I finished my glass of water; there's no turning back. After my 'stagnant' post I called my nurse to see when I should be seen next. She told me the RE wanted to do Femara (a drug used to treat breast cancer that incidentally causes eggs to mature), a trigger shot (HCG (hormone)- derived from Chinese hamsters; that makes you release egg(s), and an IUI (interuterine insemination). I was FREAKED OUT! When we first saw RE in August she said we could try 3 rounds of clomid before moving onto IUI. Come to find out RE doesn't do any clomid cycles; to do the clomid cycles you have to see your regular gyno. So I was all a twitter and making everyone crazy trying to decide what to do!
I am unprepared (emotionally) to do an IUI. That seems so final to me, and doing it would mean accepting that we are infertile. I didn't realize that this would be so hard for me. I guess
I really need that buffer of clomid. Doing IUI just seems like a brief stop on the way to IVF-ville...the last stop on the Babytown Railway. I want the least amount of help possible. I'm not ready to conceive my baby in a doctor's office. Maybe this sounds silly to you; sometimes it sounds silly to me, but I need to do the clomid for my peace of mind.
So after much debate, and conferring with my nurse again I decided to try clomid. I called my gyno in the nick of time...I had to take the first pill on day 5 of my cycle, and I called on day 5 to get it...then waited forever for Wal-Mart to fill it! *Side note* I heart Wal-Mart. I know a lot of people hate them for numerous reasons, but you can buy clomid for $9! Fertility drugs aren't covered by my insurance, so clomid would cost me around $50 at Walgreen's, etc. I am taking clomid days 5-9, then having an ultrasound and blood work on day 21 to check for ovulation and cysts. If it's going to work I should ovulate on day 14 so we'll see (I am not hopeful that this dosage will work.)
If it doesn't work, and it may not (many women with PCOS are clomid resistant) then we will regroup. I can't say that I don't have my reservations: clomid can cause adverse effects on the uterine lining, toxic cervical mucous, hot flashes, migraines, dizziness, mood-swings AND it might not even work! I'm also afraid of getting cysts. These happen when you ovulate, but the follicle containing the egg isn't reabsorbed my the body and begins to grow. These bad-boys delay any other cycles because they can produce hormones that interfere with drugs. There is so much room for doubt with every decisions, and so much second-guessing. Overall, I'm glad I'm doing the clomid...I'll leave no stone unturned.

More about PCOS

****Not my ovary******

Polycystic ovary syndrome - PCOS In the entire field of reproduction and infertility, no topic has as many myths and misconceptions associated with it as polycystic ovary syndrome - PCOS. Even its name causes confusion. Is it PCO or polycystic ovary disease (PCOD) or polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS)? Since the name includes the word "polycystic" does that mean that all women with this problem have cysts in their ovaries?

What's in a name? Syndrome: A group of signs and symptoms that occur together and characterize a particular abnormality. Disease: A pathological condition of the body that presents a specific and consistent group of clinical signs, symptoms, and laboratory findings peculiar to it and setting the condition apart as an abnormal entity differing from other normal or pathological conditions. The problem we are talking about then is not a disease. It is a syndrome. Not all women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) will present the same way or have the same symptoms or laboratory findings. Confused? For example, take the disease cystic fibrosis. All individuals with cystic fibrosis have the same underlying problem which is a mutation in the cystic fibrosis gene. In polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), on the other hand, there isn't any one common factor that identifies all women as having polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).

What signs and symptoms can be found in women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS)?

Ovulation problems: Anovulation -No ovulation at all, Oligo-ovulation- Infrequent or irregular ovulation. Irregular menstrual cycles (results from not ovulating regularly), Amenorrhea:-Women does not get any periods at all, Oligomenorrhea- Infrequent periods, Hypermenorrhea-
Periods that occur too frequently, Menorrhagia- Heavy periods and/or those that last for many days or weeks, Metorrhagia- Bleeding or spotting that occurs in between apparently normal periods.

Insulin resistance: The body does not respond to the hormone insulin as it normally should. Insulin's primary function is to keep the levels of blood sugar under control. On laboratory tests, insulin resistance may not show up at all. If it does, it may appear in one or more of the following ways: High fasting insulin levels, Low glucose to insulin ratio, High triglyceride levels.* Insulin resistance may lead to diabetes so laboratory findings consistent with diabetes can also be found in polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).

Hyperandrogenism: Androgens are what most people think of as "male" hormones. This is incorrect. All people have androgens. Males typically have levels that are much higher than women. However, women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) have slightly elevated levels of androgens. Elevated androgen levels can result in the development of some signs and symptoms in women; Hirsutism -Unwanted hair growth. Usually on the lip, cheeks, chin, neck, in between the breasts, beneath the umbilicus(belly button), Acne, Alopecia-Male pattern hair thinning and loss. On laboratory evaluation, hyperandrogenism may not show up at all. If it does, it may be seen in high levels in one of the following tests: Total testosterone, Free testosterone, Dihydrotesterone (DHT)3, alpha glucuronide (3AG), Androstenedione, DHEAS (dehydroepiandosterone sulfate).* There are numerous other androgen levels that may be elevated but these are not usually looked at in clinical medical practice). Androgen levels can be elevated in other types of problems besides polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). These other problems should be ruled out before someone is given a diagnosis of polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). The most common of these problems is called congenital adrenal hyperplasia (CAH).

Ultrasound findings: Some women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) may have one or more of the following findings: Enlarged ovaries, Large number (>10) of tiny follicles (cysts) just under the surface of the ovaries, The center of the ovaries is echogenic (highly reflective on ultrasound), and with very few follicles seen. Women with ultrasound findings are said to have polycystic appearing ovaries (PAO). IMPORTANT:Not all women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) have polycystic appearing ovaries (PAO). Not all women with polycystic appearing ovaries (PAO) have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). In fact, many normal women with regular ovulation have polycystic appearing ovaries (PAO).

Miscellaneous laboratory findings: These laboratory findings can be found in some women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). Many women with these findings may not have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). Elevated prolactin levels, High levels of luteinizing hormone (LH), High ratio of LH:FSHHigh levels of inhibin-B, High levels of plasminogen activator inhibitor -1 (PAI-1)

Health risks associated with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS): Women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) seem to have certain health problems more frequently than you would expect in the general population. It is thought that these problems are either caused by polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) or that they have the same underlying cause as polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). These include: Hypertension, Type II Diabetes, Coronary artery disease, Endometrial cancer (cancer of the lining of the uterus) It is not specific to polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), however. Any problem which causes a woman not to ovulate is associated with a higher risk of endometrial cancer.

Pregnancy risks associated with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS): Gestational diabetes (diabetes that occurs during pregnancy), Pregnancy induced hypertension (PIH), Preeclampsia, Preterm birth Babies from PCOS mothers have a higher rate of admission to the neonatal intensive care unit, Babies from PCOS mothers have a higher rate of perinatal death. The perinatal mortality rate is the combination of two separate death rates: antenatal mortality, which is defined as the death of a fetus after the 20th week of pregnancy but before delivery, plus neonatal mortality which is the death of a baby up to 28 days after birth. Contrary to popular belief, a recent analysis has found that PCOS patients do not have a higher risk of miscarriage than non-PCOS infertility patients. ****** MY RE SAYS OTHERWISE

Treatment of polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS): There isn't one treatment for polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). The type of treatment is dependent on the symptoms that a woman has and her specific desires at that point in her life. Specific goals of treatment might include: Promotion of fertility, Desire for regular menstrual cycles, Reduction of acne, unwanted hair growth or hair loss, Reduction of other health risks associated with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).

Fertility treatment: Treatment of insulin resistance Can be accomplished by:
Weight loss Even modest amounts of weight loss have been shown in clinical studies to improve the chance for ovulation and pregnancy. IMPORTANT: There is no data that low carbohydrate diets are better for women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) than any other kind of diet. ******* MY RE SAYS OTHERWISE. Exercise, Particularly aerobic exercise increase the utilization of glucose by the muscle and reduce insulin resistance. Medication- There are several medications available by prescription that work by reduction of insulin resistance and have been shown in medical studies to increase the chance for ovulation and pregnancy, like glucophage. Alternatives to glucophage for treating insulin resistance.

Use of fertility medications: Clomiphene citrate: Women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) do not respond to clomiphene citrate with the same success as other women. This has been called clomiphene resistance. There have been many methods attempted to reduce the chance for clomiphene resistance and include: Increasing the dose of clomiphene citrate, Prolonging the duration of clomiphene administration, Adding insulin resistance medications, Adding dexamethasone, Adding naltrexone.

Aromatase inhibitors: Aromatase inhibitors such as letrozole work in a similar fashion as clomiphene citrate. There is far less medical data that has looked at letrozole and its chances for success. Some small studies indicate that letrozole may be more effective than clomiphene citrate

Gonadotropins: Women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) respond to these injectable fertility medications with a very high percentage of ovulation. However, polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) patients are more prone to the problems of gonadotropins such as ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS)

Surgery: Ovulation problems in women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) can also be treated be destroying or removing portions of the ovaries. In the medical literature, there have been several methods described for doing this including: Wedge resection, Multiple ovarian cystotomy, Ovarian diathermy. The benefits of surgery include the avoidance of OHSS and multiple pregnancy.

Treatment of polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) without concern for fertility: Treatment of the other problems associated with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) involve methods to restore normal menstrual cycle pattern and reduce the effect of high androgens. Hormonal contraceptives are commonly used for this purpose. More recently insulin resistance medications have been used. The combination of these two medications provides a potent one two punch for the treatment of polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).

L-OV-E

What would you do for the person you love? What would you do to keep them? How far would you go? What if it meant changing your whole life? What if meant working at a job you hate? What if meant that you would always come second? Are these things you can ask of the person you love? What if there is no compromise? What if they hate you later? What if they are miserable? How do you live with yourself? Is all love ultimately selfish? If a person goes to the end of the Earth for you; do you 'owe' them for the rest of your life...even if it never enters the other person's mind? What if you would never sacrifice for them in the same way? Do you truly love them? Does that kind of sacrifice forever change the balance and nature of your relationship? Is mature love, a love that makes you willingly put aside your doubts and fears for another person? How do you ever tell them how grateful you are?

If You're Not Moving Forward, Where Are You Moving?

I have felt very stagnant the last few weeks. The enthusiasm after the first appointment with the RE has worn off. It was such a high to have a plan, and to have a doctor actually take me seriously. Then the real world crept in...the doubt, the fear, the stress, the grief, and the wait. I was feeling so great the first week or so after our appointment. I felt as though I had the teeny-tiniest crumb of control over my life. HA! In August when Dr. S said she wanted to see us back in December I thought great, that seems reasonable, not too far away, right!? I feel like I have lived two lifetimes since then. Dr. S said this break would give metformin a chance to really work, after all 40% of women ovulate on their own after taking met. Ummmmm, where are these 40% they must live in places without an internet connection because I have never 'met' them or heard their stories. I can't honestly believe that I thought I would wind up in the 40% club. I base my entire life on thinking good things will NOT happen so I am not disappointed (yes, I am talking to my therapist about this), but I let myself believe the best about this because surely life is sometimes fair, right!? HAHA! Now, here I am taking provera (again) to start my period. Provera, is a piece of shit (sorry mom!) I feel like how I imagine it feels to be pregnant: emotional, nauseous, sore boobs, tired, and my favorite....HOT FLASHES!!!! When you combine this with the side effects of the met your life is one giant trip to the bathroom, although the tiles feel quite nice when you are having your 507th hot flash of the day, and are so freaking sweaty you look like you ran a marathon! I love having co-workers ask why I am so sweaty! I haven't come up with any acceptable answers to this so I just shrug....really, who asks someone why they are sweating, really, really!!!! I digress...I feel like I am doing nothing to help myself right now. I can't even exercise anymore because by the end of the day I feel like throwing up, I'm going through menopause, I am exhausted, and/or on a really great day feel like I'm going to poop my pants! I want to be DOING something!!!!! I feel like if I do enough, try enough, pray enough, plead enough, research enough, or fill-in-the-blank enough I will prove that I deserve a baby.

I am NOT a complete CRAZY PERSON

HA! Dewy and I have found a new hobby...we are obsessed with reading infertility blogs (particularly the success stories). It is so nice to hear how the 'other half lives.' Believe me I didn't think I was the only game in town, but the sheer number of blogs about infertility out there is AMAZING. It's heartbreaking to see how many people occupy our corner of Hell on Earth, but at the same time is comforting...WE ARE NOT ALONE! For me the isolation of infertility is one of the most painful aspects (besides the obvious!). When you read these blogs you see many common themes: hope, sex, money, anger, depression, excitement, anxiety, and loneliness. It makes you feel that you are not going silently insane. These women have been there; they have survived, and they have babies to show for it! These ladies get 'it!' Very few infertiles actually 'know' another infertile. I am exceedingly lucky that I have Dewy. I hate that infertility renewed our friendship, but I literally cried at my computer with a mixture of sadness, and a bit of relief when she emailed me back that she too was infertile. I am ashamed to admit that there was relief in the mix, but the solace of her company has been immeasurable...she, for better or worse gets 'it.' It's bizarre how connected you feel to these strangers on the internet. I check my favorite blogs everyday to see how everyone is doing. I have found myself praying for these strangers; that they get pregnant, that their babies stick, and that their babies are healthy. It is a powerful connection that I can't really explain. Maybe this is how soldiers feel returning from battle; a sense of community and truly knowing how someone has suffered. You simply can't understand unless you too, have been in the trenches. I am also ashamed to admit how lucky I sometimes feel. There are many women out there whose situations are far worse than mine. It is difficult to gain perspective when there is literally no one to compare yourself to in real life. Some of the infertiles' stories also make me profoundly grateful. Some women are shunned by their families because they are choosing to undergo fertility treatments. I never realized how controversial fertility treatments can be...this is a post for another time. I can't imagine my parents telling me that is not 'God's will' for me to have children...as if they can even know God's will...give me a break! I can't imagine my in-laws yelling and screaming at me that it is my fault that their son can't have children, or that there couldn't possibly be something wrong with their son. I'm lucky that I don't have any smug fertile friends who tell me to 'just relax', or that it 'will happen when the time is right,' or to 'get drunk' or to 'go on vacation', or to 'have sex every other day, on the full moon, standing up' or what ever else worked for their cousin's friend's half-sister. I don't have to endure baby showers, nosy relatives, or pregnancy announcements every other day. Some women are forced by their circumstances to see doctors who only see dollar signs, are incompetent, indifferent, negative, condescending, dismissive, or all of the above. So, yes, I am lucky...not that I can always maintain this zen-like, peaceful state...after all tomorrow is another day. Gratitude is something that I am working on! Everything may not be sunshine and roses, but at least I am in good company.

Hey Ya'll, Wibbs asked me to fill in for her two day! I'm like so excited!!!! She wanted me to talk to ya'll about injustiss. I said what does that mean and she said that means unfair. she thinks she knows what injustiss is but i am going to show her! she said it was unfair that i could have babees (that is like so unfair he said has been like sanitized and couldn't bave babies and that we would like adopt poor babies so people would like think we were like heartrusistic that means real nice and stuff!) and she is having a hard time having BUT if u ask me she is better off they like make u fat and they don't like talk or want to go to place like KOI and nobu and get there pictures taken or anything fun!!!!!! WELL tell me about unfair I no all about what unfair means. Lets start with this new word injustiss believe me all my problems started with someone who's name has J-U-S-T in it. I mean like how is it fair is that he has like this career now! He was my ummmm like accessorie that's like a really awsome hat or something, but I was like the outfit. That means I was the most important part! He ummmm like oh what did my lawyer say that he "captiualized" (that means like use u) on my success! I'm LUCKY! I cry cry cry in the lonely night...I'm a star! I mean that video he did. It's not my fault that i found my for real soul mate I mean I was like in luv my choreogrpaher see i like no big words two!!!!! ... he was so awesome he could like dance and stuff & we like went tanning and stuff how was i supposed to no that he was gay lots of men can dance and have highlights and like to hang out with other guy dancers at special dancing clubs for other tan men with highlights! Now, J-U-S-T-I-N is like dating that girl with the giant ass ummmm like why. why not Meeeeeee. I would like never make him wear a matchin demin outfits again everyone nose shiny materials are in now! I like totally saw it all over the WWF magazine i get those girls are my heros look at brooke hulk hogan she looks so like AWESOME! I OPENED the VMAs not him! and not that kayne person either see I am LUCKY I'm a star I cry cry cry in the lonely night! may be in-J-U-S-T-I-N (HAHA see I am like wetty two!!!!!) is TOXIC in mean I am like STRONGER than yesterday! I mean why don't people understand that I am an ARTIST. More injustedness like I thought Kevin was my soul mate he is like so Finnnnne and like smart 2 i mean he like noes how to wear wife beaters C that's like smart not everyone can and he had like cornrows that's like road cred!!!!!! he like totallly capitualized on me two. I like luved him our sex was like so good. i like luved him soooo much and he turned on me! I mean I like had my dream wedding like didn't u luv my fingerless gloves u only get those if you are like REAL klaassy that's like what monica whoooleea said! and she said I was like a veags show girl in my other short wedding dress!!!!!! Like Helllooo those girl's have got it GOING ON! How dare he leave me!!!! I bought him a FERARRI those r like from another country the one that looks like a shoe or something!!!!!! ANDDDDD who do u think wrote popo zoa ME so suck that! I mean I like ruined my body and like had babies with him. i didn't know they would like get bigger and become such a like drag. I mean like BitBit didn't get any bigger and like cry and want to play and stuff. OH in did ya know that u aren't like supposed give kids stuff to make them like sleep and stuff! I like hired that nanny 2 like control them. I know about injustiss! I have like another example two. One picture of u coming out of a bathroom barefooted at a truck stop and people think ur like so nasty and grotty or something! I'll have u no that my feet are not the only bare part of me that has touched a public restroom (haha kevin was like so spontheinieous that means you don't plan things and stuff) and I am not sick or anything! so HA joke's on U! Oh and I am a brilliant ummm like what's the word marketeer of myself two. why do u think I eat all those cheetoes and frapperchinoes If I'm seen with them then people will know that I eat I don't want all those rumors about being like a axeretic or anything that is not not hot! I am just like u I eat two no maycrobayotic diet for me!!!! I am like an American but I am LUCKY I'm a STAR I cry cry cry in the lonely night. I have more unfairness 2 people just don't understand me I am like a ohhh what did my former manager say a like the idiom savent of the dim-witted that means I am like super taleted and stuff he said that mensee (that's like a club for people who are super smart and like psychic) would be calling any day and then he quit and slammed the door in my face! he is like jealousE that I am like a jeanius and stuff! OHHHHH OOOHHHHHH i thught of more unjustiss!!!! so i like want to shave my head I mean like my hair is falling out. It's like not fair that like u can't wear weave for like 10 years and die it blond every week. that is not my falt. So I like shaved it off like everybody liked it when that natalie portsmith or whatever persons did it. now i have hair agin and perez hilton thinks it is ugleee I mean why can't that Ken paver do my hair???!!!!! INJ-U-S-T-TISSSS!!!!!! or that Jonathan from that TV show he cries and yells and likes 2 like tan like me! We have sooooo much in common maybe he is like my soul mate and he could like make me a PussyCat cuz his sister like started it. i saw parts of that charlie therone movie she like got ugleeeeee and fat and won an oscar and I am the crazy person! I mean where is the justiss is it like deaf to me!!!! OH and that movie is not about monsters it's about a fat ugley woman!!!! UHHHHHH my movie had like friends, and dreems, and a hot guy and karaoke in it. see unjustiss agin. then like my mom got all pist at me and wanted me to go to rehab that's for like people who don't kno how to like party right. i mean if u like change your clothes with some1 at the club then like those paparassi seee wetty agin! don't know that is it u when u come back out!!! that is why my mom said "oh yeah u really fooled them!" and then she laffed at me see she is jealousE that i am so smart so I fired her. I can't like have all that negativeity and like bad energy around me all the time that's what my kabbala teacher said I only need people who send me good energy like that guy i hired to watch my babyees. he like doesn't tell me what to do he listens to meeeeeeee! UHHHH then their is my cozin Alli she is like an eggs benedict that means ur like a person who lies and does bad things like tell ur mom and kevin that ur crazy and unfit. that's not fair I am not fat! OOOHHHH and she wants to be singer 2 why does everybody like capitualize on me! I mean like get ur own life and stop being a copy cat! i like hired her so she could be my friend!!!!!! who wouldn't wnat to be my friend I'm LUCKY I'm a STAR! see that has like 2 meainings that could be like my name or that i am like lucky hahahaha see wetty agin! ohhhh and now that mean old judge took my a babies. how am I supposed to get cute magazine covers and all that!????? SHHHHHH...i'll tell you a secret i am happy u no those kids were trying to capitualize on me 2 now they can try to capitualize on Kevin....hahahahaa they don't know that there dad is like a LOSER! seeee kids are like dumb that's why there so much trouble ummmm like how do u not no ur going to fall out of high chair if u don't sit still....seee. and now i can check in2 hotels and have like room service all the time and sleep and smoke and have red bull and vodkas all day without those things crawling all over the place. see i no pain i no about injustiss I'm NOt that INNOCENT! HA! Love and smooches, LUCKY (haha now no one will who I am I'm like innimemus and stuff)

A Bad, Bad Trip

Guilt trips....never fun and always hazardous, but nearly impossible to avoid. The men I know don't experience very much guilt. So I am hypothesizing that women feel guilty more often because they are raised to mother, to give endlessly, care endlessly, and comfort endlessly. The worst guilt trip women take in their mid to late twenties involves having children. We all spout (especially the Dems) that it is a woman's choice to have children, but how many of us have inwardly been shocked when we hear that a woman chose not to have children. In that vein, how many women do we actually know that chose not to have children? I personally know one, and I always feel rotten for her that she doesn't have any. She says that she didn't want children, but somehow I am still unsure. Would she have had them if she married someone else, someone younger, someone without a child already? I don't know. Did she have a hard time when her husband didn't want to have more children? Did she feel cheated when her step-child rejected her? Or was she being truthful when she said she did not want children? See what I mean, I don't think many people can accept or fathom a woman choosing not to have a child. I do, however, believe that choosing whether or not to have children is one of the toughest decisions to be made. It's ironic that you have to make such a life altering choice while you are relatively young and starting your career. My friend Lil is coming to this watershed moment in her life. This is such a personal decision, but everyone from her mother to her a bank teller will have opinions about it. Would it help her to know that I sometimes have doubts about it? I am afraid I won't live up to the challenge, I am afraid I won't be able to love a baby, I am afraid of losing myself completely once I have children. Why am I persisting in having a child and willing to do whatever it takes despite these fears? It was a collection of moments for me: Ellie, a girl I nannied for, laughing, her red hair and blue eyes like me, holding a friend's baby, watching my siblings grow up, the moment that my mom and I became friends, looking at my husband while he sleeps and having this feeling that I wouldn't be complete until we made a life together. Are these reasons rational or grounded in logic? No. Are they real? Yes. Why doesn't my friend think she wants to have children? For many of the same reasons that make me apprehensive. She also wants to have a long and successful career. Lil has always been highly driven, and a career completes who she is in a fundamental way. I hear some of you saying, 'Well, you can have both.' I'm sorry that's not true!!!! You can't do everything well; it's impossible. This is the horrible legacy the women's movement has left us. No one I know wants a nanny spending 70-80 hours a week with their child...talk about selfish! You can't have it all; something has to give. It's usually the children who lose...I've seen this first hand nannying. So my friend is left plagued by guilt ...shouldn't she have children; she's able to...is she being selfish? No, I don't think so. I don't think choosing to be child free is selfish, but I do worry about her waiting until it is too late. I don't want to see her heartbroken. I'll tell her what a dear friend told me, "Clarify your values, base your decisions on what you value most, and then go after it full force." So, here I am...

Things More Boring Than an Infertile Girl:

Alan Greenspan and Larry King having an oratorical showdown! Yep, that's all of I've got. I'm sure there are other things (maybe), but none come to mind. I'm sure my friends would agree that listening to their once entertaining friend discuss the nuances of her monthly cycle in every conversation is right up there in boringness with Alan Greenspan discussing ANYTHING...even wild orgies! Eeewww, bad images! Anyway, I have fabulous friends, but I feel like some of them are avoiding me and I know why....I AM A BORING, PSYCHO, HOT-MESS right now! I can't think about anything outside of my pelvic cavity. I don't blame them; hell I bore myself sometimes. Morning temps, ovulation, and periods aren't exactly the most titillating conversation topics. I know that my fabulous friends sympathize with me, but they don't empathize with me (except for Dewey, but I probably bore her too!) It just sucks! I want to be a normal person who thinks about normal things! I want my life back; it may not have been much of one, but it was mine it wasn't ruled by my ovaries! ARGHHHHHHH! I have gone back to therapy in hopes of having a place where I can 'get the crazy out'! My therapist is great we're doing cognitive behavioral therapy to treat my OCD and anxiety. Oh yeah, did I mention I have OCD. I'm not a counter, washer, etc. My OCD manifests itself in obsessive thoughts and feelings. My thoughts are like a record that gets stuck. So being infertile and having OCD is a real picnic. I literally can't think about anything else. I feel like such a freak. The things that other people dismiss get lodged in my head and grow like cancer. There's no escape, there's no end just a continuous play back: you will never have children, your life will be empty, you will feel like this forever, you'll never ovulate, your husband will leave you, your friends will abandon you, your family will shun you, you deserve this, you are a failure, you will always see negative pregnancy tests, you're a bad person, you can't have kids because you are unfit, you're crazy, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children, you will never have children. Then after you repeat it enough you actually start to believe it. Then I become convinced that it is true. OCD is vicious. It has robbed me of a normal life. I can't think about anything besides not being able to have a baby, and other disasters at every turn. I want to be carefree again. To my friends I wish that I could promise an end in sight, I wish that I could be more emotionally involved in your lives, I wish I could be the friend you deserve, but right now I can't. I'm exhausted.

Good Things Come to Those Who....Wait?!

Is this true, or is it something we tell ourselves while we are waiting? This is an interesting phrase because our culture has become one of instant gratification. We have fast food, stores that are open 24 hours, drive thrus (see even the word is shorter!), DVRs; you get the point practically everything is ours for the taking day or night. Our society is also based upon the Puritan work ethic and a 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps' mentality. We don't really like to wait for things. We like to work for them and achieve them. Unfortunately, you can't fool Mother Nature. I feel like my life has become one long waiting game. Everyday seems to drag on indefinitely. I wait all day to go to sleep so I can wake up and take my temperature (temp). For those of you who aren't versed in the bible of baby makin' (Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler) your basal body temperature (BBT) will rise significantly and stay up if you have in fact ovulated. Then you put these lovely numbers on a chart along with you cervical mucous (CM). Oh yes, my friends you dig in your 'hoo and analyze your cervical mucous...sorry Dad and the faint of heart. BTW fertile CM looks just like egg whites! So everyday as soon as my alarm goes off I temp and pray that maybe today is the DAY, maybe I ovulated, maybe I am not broken! It's never the day though...I haven't ovulated in about 9-10 months, but everyday I wait and I hope. Nothing like a great big glass of disappointment to start your day! I digress...the Waiting is part of the Cruelty of Infertility Trifecta, it is accompanied by Hope and Disappointment. You wait to for your period to end, then you wait to ovulate, then you wait to see if you're pregnant, then you wait for your period to start, and then repeat ad nauseum! I feel like my life is broken into two week chunks of time. I hate living a life where I am wishing the day would just end so I can start again. I want to be able to enjoy my life and have fun. I want to be innocent again. I don't want to know about the baby makin' bible. I don't want to wait anymore; good and bad things happen to me regardless of the wait time.

"A Few Good Eggs: Two Chicks Dish on Overcoming the Insanity of Infertility'" Julie Vargo and Maureen Regan

This is my first book review. I picked this book up at the library. I don't want to commit to buying something that may not be helpful, i.e. I am CHEAP!!!! Where to begin...I guess I'll do the bad first. The book is definitely geared towards older moms (35+) who were on the career track, and 'forgot' to have kids or thought they had plenty of time. This part can be down right infuriating for a younger reader. It makes you feel almost as if you shouldn't be having this problem because you are in your 'prime.' It seems to invalidate the feelings of the young infertiles because we are not "running out of time." In my situation we are...MH is going to be 36 and will not have children past 40. Being young doesn't take the pain and grief out of being infertile. Also, the book focuses on recurrent loss because that was the situation for one of the authors. On one hand this was valuable information, but on the other it added a whole new dimension to my stress levels. Thinking about miscarriage, while a reality, is not something I can or need to focus on at this juncture. The book doesn't talk about any treatments in great detail, nor do they really cover any reasons for infertility besides being old. Last thing this book was not written by anyone in the medical profession.
OK, on to the more positive stuff. Since the book was not written by medical professionals it is very conversational and easy to read. There are many things this book covers that the experts don't: what it is really like to miscarry, what IVF meds really do to your body, etc. The book also covers alternative treatments like acupuncture, chiropractics, and herbs in depth. These are helpful things to know and consider that your doctor may not tell you. The things I really loved were the chapters about keeping your marriage intact, and what men are really feeling through this process. In that regard I felt less alone, and like the behavior of MH was normal, or at least occurred in other men. There was also great advice about how to keep infertility from completely devouring you. Sometimes you need to read that it is OK to do other things besides focus on your infertility. I often feel that I will be 'punished' if I am not constantly vigilant and focused on my fertility issues. The tips and tricks on how to stay positive were also a God-send for me because I really let negative things and thoughts spin out of control when I really need to be less stressed and in a positive mind-frame. Lastly, the authors provide empathetic, but frank answers to the dreaded "When is enough, enough?" question.
The book on the whole was OK, and I would recommend checking it out...to me it is not a 'buy.' Warning: there are stories the will scare the bejeezus out of you. If you are not in the right place to read any horror stories don't read it, or at least be very careful in your skimming.

Beast of Burden

I'm sometimes afraid that I'm going to be a terrible mother, and no I'm not fishing for compliments, so hear me out. I'm afraid that the longer it takes to get pregnant, the more it costs, and the more high stakes the infertility game becomes the more I am going to desire the perfect child. I'm not only talking about physically and mentally perfect, but having a child who embodies everything that I have ever wanted. I'm afraid I will want a child who is beautiful, smart, quirky, funny, athletic, thin, talented...everything! I feel like a pregnancy that occurs from a drunken roll in the hay doesn't carry the same emotional baggage as a hard won, financially and emotionally expensive pregnancy occurring in a doctor's office. My child is destined to fail me because for this effort I want a child that will be everything I have dreamed of since I was little, and that desire will be compounded by having a harder row to hoe. I wonder if dreaming about having a baby will make the real thing lackluster. I have always had a problem with entitlement and expectations; being infertile makes it infinitely more difficult to have realistic expectations of a baby. What if I place a burden on my child that they will never be able shoulder? It isn't their fault they couldn't get here without medical intervention. I know that my child will not be perfect. I know that they will fuss, whine, talk back, break curfew, be selfish, and be ungrateful. How will I be able to contain hurling 'you cost me $XX, XXX.XX to even bring you into this world, and this is how you act' at them? Do all parents feel this way regardless of the cost of conception? Do the infertiles have higher expectations than the fertiles, or will the infertiles always be a tad more grateful when they look into the eyes of their surly teenagers? I know we have all seen 'stage mothers.' Are there 'infertility mothers' who expect nothing but the best from their children because the journey was so hard and so long? Will the shadow infertility always haunt us because we sacrificed so much to have children? I worry too that my child will get a terminal disease, be kidnapped, or have something else horrific happen to them. I know every mother fears these things, but I feel like it will be worse for me because I paid to bring this child into the world. How could you come to terms with that, and not feel cheated and simultaneously guilty for the rest of your life? I fear that I am placing all my eggs in my child's basket. Will my child be more than a child, and eventually become an investment that I expect to pay out?

Fraud

I am beginning to feel like a fertility fraud. In my quest to find support and information I have stumbled upon an Internet message board. Basically, it's a group of anonymous women posting questions, feelings, or whatever about infertility. It's great, although I feel that between this and the blog I can no longer call anyone a geek. I suppose that's OK because I have all sorts of secret nerd behaviors!

As I read about these women, and the struggles they have been through I feel incredibly guilty. Some of them have been trying for 2 or 3 years with no success. They have been through countless failed IUIs and IVFs. These stories frighten and amaze me. It terrifies me because our doctor is so positive that we will be successful in a relatively short amount of time, but I assume so were the doctors of some of these women. What if this happens to me? MH's age is a factor; we don't have 2-3 years. The strength that these women have floors me. I can't imagine seeing negative pregnancy tests month after month after month. How do these women keep the faith? How do they forge ahead into the unknown, in the face of defeat say, 'I know this month is my month,'? Do I have this courage and stamina? Do I want it bad enough? Am I strong enough to face a single line on a pregnancy test even once? We wound up in that doctor's office thinking something was wrong with MH, and it turns out it is me. We found my PCOS by accident, or rather divine intervention, I suppose. I found out before waiting the requisite year of 'trying on your own' that I have a problem. How can I claim to belong with these women, these seasoned veterans of the war on infertility?

The truth is MH and I haven't even 'really' tried to get pregnant. We feel like we have been shoved into the gauntlet. Our plan to wait and try later in the year when we 'feel' more ready has been cast aside. We now feel an urgency because we know how long this could take. I am terrified that we will run out of time. I'm afraid MH won't want to start the second I ovulate. I'm afraid he'll assume everything is OK, and that we have time, but women with PCOS have a much higher incidence of miscarriage so even if we got pregnant would it stick? What if I get cysts and we have to sit cycles out? I feel like the what ifs we have to factor in are hacking away at our 'cushion' time.

I recently found out that my dear friend, Dewey, was diagnosed with PCOS about a year ago. She has been on metformin and clomid with no success. Dewey is such a wonderful person; she deserves a baby. How did I land straight on the doorstep of an RE while she has been seeing a OB/GYN? How is it fair if the metformin makes me ovulate, and not her? How can my newly discovered anguish even stack up to hers? I know that my pain is real to me, but somehow I feel less than. The truth is I don't know what is going to happen to me or Dewey, but I can't shake the feeling that my early, accidental discovery of PCOS makes me less worthy of having a baby. I know that Dewey would never begrudge me for finding out sooner, or seeing an RE sooner, or having the metformin work (at least out-loud, hahahaha!). I know that she hurts for me as I hurt for her.
I've never known another person with PCOS, and neither has she. This makes us members of a club that neither of us want to be in. As unlucky as I feel about having PCOS; I do feel lucky to be in this club with Dewey...

Eviction Notice

Inhabitants of Left and Right Ovary:

I am formally evicting you; only one (1) of you MUST leave this month. You have seven (7) days to completely evacuate the above stated ovaries. Seven days should be enough time for at least one (1) of you to mature and leave the ovary.


This is for your own good. I am not evicting you and leaving you without a new home. In fact there is a fallopian tube waiting for you when you leave, as well as a travel companion that your father will provide. THEN you have deeee-luxe accommodations in my uterus, which will now be referred to as 740 Park Avenue (Google it-is there anywhere better to live!?). Unfortunately, you will also be evicted from 740 Park as well, but only after you have spent a delightful forty (40) weeks there.

To be completely frank, mom and dad would like you to come out. I promise you we are really great. You can't even imagine how much everyone loves you already. Grandma JB can't wait to meet you and play with you! She's really great at pretending to be an 'animal mommy' and reading books a thousand times just because you love them! Grandpa MT wants to teach you how to drive and ski, he'll take you on sledding trips you'll never forget, he'll read books into a tape recorder so you can always hear his voice! Grandma JT will make you an AMAZING cobbler made with fruit and a cake mix that you will dream about for the rest of your life, she can't wait to share her love of music, teach you about God, and watch Disney movies with you! Great grandma S will love you to death, and be tickled and fascinated by everything you do. Great grandpa L will teach you how to golf like a champ! You have a PawPaw waiting for you who is great in times of need and crisis. He will most likely make you your first drink or try to give you beer in a bottle, but we'll make sure you don't drink it!!! He may also try to use your formula for coffee creamer, but he will tell you the best stories about dad. You have an aunt and uncle who will adore you beyond words. Your aunt will love to babysit you and do all kinds of craft projects with you, and will love to teach you how to play soccer. You uncle will have you playing video games before you are out of diapers, but he is also incredibly creative and I'm sure with his cooking experience will be able to make you a mean bottle. You will have second cousins galore that will love you, and spoil you too. You have mom's friends who are dying to meet you: Lil is a rock among women she will always be fiercely loyal to you and protect you if I can't, Em will make sure you are eternally chic, just like she is, she will always listen and commiserate with you, she is a shelter in a storm and will always love you, M. will spoil you rotten, she has a big wide open heart, she will stand up for you when others think you are crazy, she will show you what kind of person you are when you doubt yourself, C. this is mom's guy friend he will give you hope, share his eternal optimism, and love you for who you are always even when others turn against you, Meg will show you what it means to have true strength and moxy, Kathy- this woman is a dynamo, and will tell it to you straight if you need advice, she's raised 2 wonderful children so she knows what she's talking about!

Now I'm sure you're very curious about us. Dad is the best man I have ever met. He will show you love through his words, but more importantly through his actions. He will sacrifice for you. He will always give you the last bite of food if you want it. He will always make you laugh, he's very silly. When he asked me to marry him I thought of you and what kind of father he would be for you. He will put us before himself. He will stick. He wants to teach you how to throw a football, and wants to make you a DOOKIE, but that is something I can not allow, sorry!

As for me I think my friendships are a testament to my character and what kind of mother I will be to you. I feel uncomfortable telling you how wonderful I am so you will hear it from Lil. She says, "i don't think i ever realized that i would actually love a friend like i love my best friend. i care about her in a way that hurts me when she hurts. i find comfort in the maturity that is our friendship. of course, i also find comfort in knowing she doesn't judge me for my jimmy choos and i don't judge her for her christian louboutins. we do still vividly daydream about getting even with exes, joke about crazy friends and very much enjoy useless and childish celebrity gossip. afterall, friendship can't be all serious all the time. friends are meant to make each other laugh, even through tears. and trust me, no one makes me laugh like she does." I hope you think I pass the muster, too. I will be humbled to be your mom.


Love,
Mom

"Bilateral Fill and Spill"

Let me tell you, when I heard this phrase I experienced joy along the same lines as getting into college or having MH tell me he loved me for the first time. These four words mean that my HSG was normal! We do not have to go straight to IVF. My little eggs, should they ever decide to grow up and come out, will have a beautiful highway travel on, and hopefully pick up a handsome, non-Ted Bundy hitchhiker; not to mention our weary travelers have a perfect place to crash for the next nine months!

I agonized over this test not only because I heard it was 'horrifically painful,' but also because it would determine a large part of what course our infertility journey would take. Well, the test wasn't a foot massage, but it wasn't exactly having a limb removed with a hacksaw either. I freely admit that I took 5 Advil and 1 Zanax which I certainly think is the way to go. My doctor said that my HSG was the quickest she'd ever done...I'm sure she says that to all the girls, but it made me feel like I wasn't the Queen of the Weenies! It was such a surreal experience to see your inside 'lady bits' on a screen! It made me think about one day seeing a baby in there. What must that be like...especially if it's a boy...I can't get over the thought of growing a penis inside of you!!!! I know that sounds crazy, but ladies think about how bizarre it would be!

My friend, Lil, and I talked about how bizarre we found being pregnant for a long time last night. We just can't imagine what it would be like to feel something moving around in side you. Look, if there are any of you frunchy earth mothers reading this I do get that it a natural process, full of wonder, etc., etc., BUT come on you have human inside you!!!!! As much as I want a baby seeing someone's elbow or foot sticking out of my tum is going to freak me out! I suppose all reproduction is inherently strange. Can you imagine if we were like a sponge? They bud...what if your baby just grew and then fell of your arm or leg! Laying eggs is also very strange to me...can you imagine laying a giant egg...would it be like an ostrich egg or bigger than that!?

One final thought---Why can't babies be gestated in an aquarium? Think about that one! You could keep it on your desk!

Normal HSG

Holding Pattern

Not much is going on in my little world. I am trying to stay positive and as stress free as possible. So far I have had great success with my lifestyle overhaul (I lost 3 pounds this week). Low carb diets really, REALLY suck; so does exercising for 30 minutes everyday. Thirty minutes doesn't seem like a long time, but I guess when you're out of shape like me it seems like an eternity. I get SO bored when I exercise; that's why I ALWAYS wind up quitting. Only this time failure is not an option; I can't quit. I read that 70% of women diagnosed with PCOS develop Type II diabetes within 10 years. I'm going to ask the RE about this one because that seems REALLY high, but nonetheless it scared the S*&T out of me. The risks of heart attack and stroke are also higher in women with PCOS. So, I pretty much have to stick with this, and make it work! Sometimes, it seems so daunting.
There is some good news that I will share with you now that we are intimate friends: both my pap smear and my cholesterol tests came back normal. Those are two less things to worry about.
Lastly, in my little update we have my cycle day 3 blood work and glucose test scheduled for Friday morning, and then my HSG on Monday. The blood work will determine how out of whack my hormones are, and completely confirm PCOS. The glucose test...I am dreading this one! You have to get blood drawn, and then drink "glucola" (isn't that cute), sit around for two hours and have your blood drawn again. This will determine if I am insulin resistant; if so I get to take a lovely drug called metformin. Metformin's claim to fame it it's wonderful gastrointestinal side effects...SUPER!
I am dreading the HSG even more. I have heard that this little gem is very, very painful and I am a weenie! Sidebar: I'm not quite sure how I am actually going to deliver a baby! Apparently, they stick a catheter up your 'hoo and into the uterus, and inject dye. This dye should go through you uterus, fallopian tubes, and out into your pelvic cavity. Then you know that your uterus is A OKAY, and your tubes are clear! Let's keep fingers and toes crossed that this is true, and that I don't pass out. This test being normal means that we can use ovulatory drugs alone, or move onto IUI when we are ready. If the test is not normal then we have to get a new game plan.

Job

"What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil."--The Book of Job



This line from Job has been on my mind since infertility became a reality; for those who are close to me you know this quote would perfectly describe my feelings about infertility.



By all accounts Job was a prosperous man; rich in slaves and cattle. He fears God and lives righteously. God allows Satan to test Job. Satan can torture Job in anyway, but he cannot kill him. Satan takes Job's family, riches, and his health. It is important to realize Job did not know this was a test. We should learn from what Job did not know...in our suffering we do not know all the facts. Think of how easy it would be for Job to endure pain if he knew it was a test, and that God would reward him.



From Job we also learn another important lesson; a life with God does not guarantee that you will suffer no pain or disappointment. The hard things in life do have a purpose. How could you turn to God without knowing darkness? When Job thought about his holy life he began to doubt God's goodness. Job though stuck to guns and remained faithful to God knowing that God was the only port in the storm.



Job has three friends who come to him, and try to make sense of Job's afflictions. They all have different explanations for him, but none are right. They do not have all the facts. They do not know the will of God, and neither do we. This is another interesting point that I have a hard time with; your friends cannot provide comfort and advice in place of God. Job's 'friends' condemn him saying that Job must have done something to displease God. God did not like the attitudes of Job's 'friends'.



However, one of Job's friends does introduce an interesting concept that there is a spiritual value in suffering. He believes that while God's plans for us maybe a mystery; He treats all of his children fairly.



Ultimately, Job expressed that he was very angry with God, and accused God of allowing him to suffer needlessly. God appeared and decided in favor of Job. Job asked for God's forgiveness for his words and was forgiven. God punished Job's friends, and rewarded Job with twice the riches he once had and beautiful family.





Job reminds me that we will never know everything there is to know about God. He is not obligated to give us reasons, but we can seek comfort in the fact that God is not punishing for our sins. God is always trying to shape us, and God asks us to remain faithful and trust in Him because He knows all the facts.



One of my greatest fears (infertility wise) is having someone tell me that, "It is not God's will for you to have children, and trying to with medicine is wrong." I actually read about girl who was confronted with this statement and the girl said, "Well, would you expect a person with cancer not to get treatment?" whereby the old hag responded, "Yes, some people refuse treatment and die." This reminds me of Job's friends idly conjecturing about Job's fate and God's will. It gives me strength that if this happens to me I will know that whoever says something like this is 'one of Job's friends.' They do not know God's plans for me. I am satisfied, after much prayer, that I am doing what God intends for me to do in this situation. He made sure I was diagnosed with PCOS through Patrick's first diagnosis, He made sure the first doctor, that we didn't feel good about didn't accept our insurance which led us to a doctor who does and that we LOVE. I truly don't believe in coincidences anymore, but do believe (even though it is a challenge) that in the end everything works out exactly how it should.

Joining the Cysterhood

So, we went to the fertility clinic yesterday; I was a ball of nerves and frankly expected to hear the worst...no sperm, no shot, no baby!

Well...I was WRONG! MH's semen analysis was perfect: good count and good motility. The morphology (shape) test is expected back in a week or so. He only has marginally decreased testosterone. The real kicker for me is--- HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY FORM OF HYPOGONADISM!!!!! I wasted all that anguish and grief. I thought our world was ending because of what that stupid internist said!

Unfortunately, (or maybe fortunately in the long run) I was diagnosed with PCOS this will make it hard to get pregnant because I do not ovulate regularly if at all. The Dr. is running more tests and I will have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) an apparently painful process where they inject dye into the uterus to make sure the uterus is normal and the fallopian tubes are clear. If all is well I will start metaformin (a diabetes drug); 40% of women on metaformin ovulate on their own. If I am not part of the 40% club then she will use a medicine called clomid to induce ovulation. At that point we can try on our own for awhile and/or move onto intrauterine insemination (IUI). You get three tries with IUI before IVF.

Weight loss and carb control are very important when treating PCOS. So, I will be headed back to South Beach! I will also need to exercise 30 minutes everyday! YIKES!

Overall, I feel relieved that the worst was not true, and that we know what is wrong. Our Dr. is wonderful. She seems very optimistic about our chances of getting pregnant through conservative methods. She is warm, knowledgeable, sensitive, and aggressive in the best sense of the word. I have heard horror stories about doctors waiting 24 plus cycles before starting medicine, or IUIs. Yes, folks that is TWO years...I can't even imagine that kind of agony. PSA: Ladies please, please, please switch doctors if you feel your concerns aren't being taken seriously, or if you feel your Dr. isn't being proactive!

Well, I'm trying not to feel down about myself, and am trying to realize that PCOS is not my fault. It is just a fork in the road to motherhood. Of course, I am angry that this is going to be hard, and that we will (most likely) conceive in a lab, but it could definitely be a whole lot worse!

MH being fine + Wibbs having PCOS = IRONY

What is PCOS?
Polycystic ovary syndrome, or PCOS, is a complex hormone disorder that causes such symptoms as irregular menstrual cycles, infertility, excessive body hair, acne, and obesity. The syndrome is named for the tiny cysts that MAY form in the ovaries when the hormone imbalance interrupts the ovulation process. The term polycystic means composed of many cysts. If the hormone imbalance is left untreated, the syndrome may lead to life-threatening illnesses such as diabetes, heart disease, stroke, and uterine and endometrial cancers.



PCOS SYMPTOMS
Because it is a syndrome, PCOS includes a set of symptoms. Women with PCOS can suffer from any combination of the symptoms listed here. Some women experience only one of these symptoms, while other women experience all of them. The severity of PCOS symptoms can vary widely from woman to woman. Talk to your physician if you suffer from one or more of these symptoms:
Amenorrhea (no menstrual period), infrequent menses, and/or oligomenorrhea (irregular bleeding) - Cycles are often greater than six weeks in length, with eight or fewer periods in a year. Irregular bleeding may include lengthy bleeding episodes, scant or heavy periods, or frequent spotting.
Oligo or anovulation (infrequent or absent ovulation) - While women with PCOS produce follicles - which are fluid-filled sacs on the ovary that contain an egg - the follicles often do not mature and release as needed for ovulation. It is these immature follicles that create the cysts.
Hyperandrogenism - Increased serum levels of male hormones. Specifically, testosterone, androstenedione, and dehydroepiandrosterone sulfate (DHEAS).
Infertility - Infertility is the inability to get pregnant within six to 12 months of unprotected intercourse, depending on age. With PCOS, infertility is usually due to ovulatory dysfunction.
Cystic ovaries - Classic PCOS ovaries have a "string of pearls" or "pearl necklace" appearance with many cysts (fluid-filled sacs). It is difficult to diagnose PCOS without the presence of some cysts or ovarian enlargement, but sometimes more subtle alterations may not have been recorded, or are not recognized as abnormal, by the ultrasonographer.
Enlarged ovaries - Polycystic ovaries are usually 1.5 to 3 times larger than normal.
Chronic pelvic pain - The exact cause of this pain isn't known, but it may be due to enlarged ovaries leading to pelvic crowding. It is considered chronic when it has been noted for greater than six months.
Obesity or weight gain - Commonly a woman with PCOS will have what is called an apple figure where excess weight is concentrated heavily in the abdomen, similar to the way men often gain weight, with comparatively narrower arms and legs. The hip:waist ratio is smaller than on a pear-shaped woman — meaning there is less difference between hip and waist measurements. It should be noted that most, but not all, women with PCOS are overweight.
Insulin resistance, hyperinsulinemia, and diabetes - Insulin resistance is a condition where the body's use of insulin is inefficient. It is usually accompanied by compensatory hyperinsulinemia - an over-production of insulin. Both conditions often occur with normal glucose levels, and may be a precursor to diabetes, in which glucose intolerance is further decreased and blood glucose levels may also be elevated.
Dyslipidemia (lipid abnormalities) - Some women with PCOS have elevated LDL and reduced HDL cholesterol levels, as well as high triglycerides.
Hypertension (high blood pressure) - Blood pressure readings over 140/90.
Hirsutism (excess hair) - Excess hair growth such as on the face, chest, abdomen, thumbs, or toes.
Alopecia (male-pattern baldness or thinning hair) - The balding is more common on the top of the head than at the temples.
Acne/Oily Skin/Seborrhea - Oil production is stimulated by overproduction of androgens. Seborrhea is dandruff - flaking skin on the scalp caused by excess oil.
Acanthosis nigricans (dark patches of skin, tan to dark brown/black) - Most commonly on the back of the neck, but also but also in skin creases under arms, breasts, and between thighs, occasionally on the hands, elbows and knees. The darkened skin is usually velvety or rough to the touch.
Acrochordons (skin tags) - Tiny flaps (tags) of skin that usually cause no symptoms unless irritated by rubbing.

Hope and Other Four Letter Words

Tomorrow is our first appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist (RE). I am a bit excited, but overall I am a nervous wreck.

It's funny how things change. I never thought I would praying for a chance, just a chance, to get pregnant. My friend Lil and I often have conversations about what our 21 year-old selves would say to one another in particular situations. This one would go something like this:

Me: Like, omigod, what if I can't get pg? I mean like I'm totally healthy and stuff I mean I like get my period and stuff, right?

Lil: Yeah, you'll totally get pg the first time you try. I mean like doesn't everybody. It's only like those old hags that have trouble. Why do you want to have little cretins like that anyway...uh how would you go and stuff?

Me: Omigod, you are so right we could never go out. Nobody likes drunk moms, and I would like get totally fat! EWWWWWWW, gross. Besides my mom got pg when she was like 40...no big deal. By then we could like find rich older hsubands too.

Lil: Amen to that! Then you could like buy a baby, right!

Now, here I am getting ready to go to an RE, and Lil is afraid she has endometriosis.

I am happy that we will get some answers! I also want a plan, something tangible to hold onto. I don't want to feel like we're circus freaks anymore. I want the RE to tell us that she has seen similar cases, and that there is hope.

Hope is a funny thing. The dictionary defines hope (verb) to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence. Although a common idiom 'hope against hope' means to continue to hope, although the outlook does not warrant it. What is it going to be for me?

Will the semen analysis reveal that there are enough sperm to do a process called ICSI? Will my ultrasound reveal a normal uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries? Can MH's condition be completely reversed through hormone therapy, and allow us to have a baby for "free?" Do I have hope or should I be hoping against hope?

Just what I needed...

I had the best weekend with my BFF from high school. It was so nice to be away for the weekend. MH was working all weekend, and I knew that if I stayed home alone I would spend all of my time ruminating and worrying.

We shopped...so fun! She bought the cutest Diane von Furstenberg shift, and looked absolutely FABU in it!!! Hopefully, one day I will be thin enough (again) to rock some designer duds!

We rented movies that no one else would want to watch. Paradise Lost which I can't believe I had never seen before...so good! Old Boy it's a Japanese thriller...we love, love, love creepy Asian films. Of course this also makes us feel very high-brow, but was also very good.

Sushi...I can't even describe my feelings for sushi! We ordered a A TON, but my fave was geisha roll: crab, cream cheese, and asparagus all lightly tempura fried!

Of course we went OUT!!!! Sometimes I feel like a shut-in. I miss getting dressed to the nines and going out with your girls and shakin' it on the dance floor. Fun, fun, fun, but I was literally dripping in sweat when we left. Also, profoundly grateful I am married. The men who are out...are either very young, unattractive, or emotionally retarded!

Anyway, wonderful time had by all! And NO ruminating....ahhhhh an empty mind...LOVELY!

REVOLUTION!

"People come in with depression levels that are equivalent to people who have metastatic cancer or heart disease," says Alice Domar, a Harvard professor, who runs a mind-body clinic for infertile couples in Boston. Hmmmmm...in some ways I wish we were back in Boston. Not just to avail ourselves of this woman's services, but also because Massachusetts mandates that infertility be covered by insurance!



It is inconceivable (haha am I pun-tastic, or what!) to me that most insurance covers no treatment for infertility. My company will cover the diagnosis of infertility, but won't pay for anything they consider treatment!!!! They will cover all pregnancy costs, though. Riddle me this, what group of I'm guessing men (it's my blog, and I'm going to blame over 40, rich, white men-natch!) decided that while pregnancy is a a medical condition; infertility isn't? If you're using logic* shouldn't infertility be covered and pregnancy not covered. After all, at some level, you choose to become pregnant, but you do not choose to become infertile. * Disclaimer: my use of logic is for demonstration purposes only. I do not want a flood of comments that I am wrong etc., etc.!)





Infertility is a DISEASE! There is something anatomically and/or physiologically wrong with your body! Insurance companies don't bat an eyelash at a diabetes diagnosis. How is insulin production different from reproductive hormone production?



Interestingly, many insurance companies do allow for surgical and medical treatments for men!



The United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit recently issued an important decision on federal anti-discrimination law in Saks v. Franklin Covey Co. There, it held that an employer can deny coverage for infertility procedures done only to women. Doing so, accordingly to the court, constitutes neither pregnancy nor sex discrimination. While the opinion is well-reasoned and at least mildly persuasive, there is a strong argument to be made that the wrong result was reached.



To check out the rest of the article...http://writ.news.findlaw.com/grossman/20030128.html. It's fascinating, and I'm not quite sure how the decision was made.

Believe me, I know fertility treatments are expensive, but I think it is past time that insurance companies have some social accountability! Not just for infertility, but for all aspects of health care. Recently, my father-in-law had a blood test drawn to determine if he had cancer. This claim was rejected by his insurance company as medically unnecessary, BUT if he actually had cancer they would have paid of it!!!!! I just can't get over it! How do these bastards sleep at night? Do their employees have Stockholm Syndrome?

60 and counting...

Well, as I am sure all of you want to know the intimate details of my life; I haven't gotten my period in 60 days! My cycles seem to be getting longer and longer. It sucks! Why won't my body just do what it is supposed to do?! Argh!!!!

Now I am beginning to freak out that there is something wrong with me as well. I keep telling myself that I have been under a lot of stress since we left Boston, and now this situation is not making it any better.

I think I must be in serious denial about certain aspects of my personality because if you asked me I would tell you, in most cases, that I am not feeling stressed at all, and that I'm not really prone to stress. Well, I now have concrete, physical evidence to the contrary. I went to my mom's a couple of weeks ago, and went through some old school papers and mementos that she finally organized. I found a certificate from my fifth grade teacher...it said "Most Likely to Get in a Wad" and further down "Bound to Achieve Greatness if She Doesn't have a Nervous Breakdown First." How depressing is that!!!! Well, I haven't exactly achieved greatness, but I haven't a nervous breakdown either so I guess I'm doing OK.

Of course, stress is a vicious cycle for me because now I am stressing myself out by judging how well I am de-stressing. I feel like a lunatic!

Here's my review of various de-stressing techniques:

Meditation: I bought a book, candles, music... the whole she-bang. I was ready to breathe my way into mental health and relaxation. So I sat in Lotus position (which made my feet fall asleep) breathed and pictured a beach...I did this for about three minutes and it was relaxing. Then thoughts crept in; all the what-ifs had a clear mind to work with. There was no clutter to push them out. Thus, ended mediation.

Yoga: I rented a tape by Rodney Yee. He looked like he knew what he was doing even though his body was completely hairless. I can't imagine the time it takes to get him fully waxed! Also, I was disconcerted by his tiny shorts and misshapen bulge in the crotchal area. OK, so I do the tape and while I do feel more limber I'm not sure how people feel relaxed. You're laying on the ground trying to see what Rodney is doing there is no time to relax!

Sleeping pill and anti-anxiety drug: Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!!! My white 'doll' and my blue 'doll' are the only way I achieve any form of relaxation. They make the whole world melt away and allow me to sleep through the night. (I, in no way endorse the abuse of medication. Use only with a doctor's Rx and follow their instructions.)


Things on my list to try: acupuncture, aromatherapy, and hypnosis.

P.S. My new gyno (that I love, love, love...she actually listens and takes me seriously) is having me start Provera today to get my errant period to co-operate.

Get Your Fight On!

Naively, I thought that I made peace with the aspects of MH's personality that are dissimilar to mine. In fact, I would go as far to as to say that I embrace them in a yin and yang, new-agey kind of way I normally dismiss as hogwash.

Emotionally, MH and I are very different people. I am extremely emotional and extremely pessimistic...I can find 20 gazillion reasons why something will, absolutely go wrong. I think part of this is just my general personality. The other part is the severe anxiety and the obsessive-compulsive thinking patterns that began plaguing me in my early twenties.

One of my therapists said something profound to me that I try to repeat in times of crisis (real or imagined.) She said, "Just because you think it doesn't mean it will happen. You don't have that kind of power." My problem is two-fold. I honestly believe (in the irrational part of my brain) that I can keep things from happening if I worry about them enough, and that I have some kind of supernatural power that when something pops into my head it will happen. For example, if I am casually reading the paper and come across and article on ovarian cancer my mind goes straight to 'this must be a sign, you are reading this for a reason...you must have ovarian cancer.' Then I go straight out and research this, and convince myself through any twinge I have felt that "Yep, I have cancer." Then I worry myself sick until I go to the doctor and find out no I don't have cancer. Then I am convinced that the worrying about it actually made it not happen. Repeat with every illness/situation ad nauseum.

MH on the other hand is super rational. His mantra would be "Worrying is useless. Why would I do something that makes me feel worse?" He believes that whatever happens will happen in the manner in which it supposed to and when it is supposed to. Needless to say he doesn't believe I have any psychic powers! I did tell him that many of my worst case scenarios have happened to which he replied, "Of course they have...you have thought of so many worse case, bizarre scenarios that some are bound to happen, but you didn't will them into existence with your mind." Maybe he should be a therapist!!!

Well, last night these emotional differences came to a head. I know that in my previous post I made a resolution that I would stop the fester cycle, but once again it caught up to me. I laid into MH about not feeling like he cared what was happening to us, not really wanting to have a baby, and other things that will remain private. Finally, we had a more rational discussion. He is worried about his health and why this is happening, and he does want to have children. We talked about our differences, and about how he let me deal with things my way, but when he was trying to deal with things in his own way I attacked him.

I realized this is true. I need him to feel and experience this in the same way I am. I need him to feel the despair, the devastation, and the primal desire to have a child that I have, but he can't. He isn't wired that way, and it isn't some kind of personality defect. It isn't a statement of how much he loves me, or his commitment to me. It is just who he is. He can't worry about things that may not even happen. This is hard for me to accept. I think of myself as being so accepting and non judgmental, but maybe I'm really not.

It has also been hard to accept that MH doesn't think about having children the same way I do. I feel motherhood is my destiny. It is my raison d'etre. It is something I know I will actually be good at. The desire and the ability to have children is something that defines who I am as woman and a person. Having children is not something that defines MH at the core of who he is. In some ways I don't think men (yes, I am going to generalize here so put your big girl panties on and deal) can understand the need to have children. It isn't as deeply rooted in them psychologically. Girls are conditioned from the time they can hold a doll to be mothers. Most men never even had dolls. Girls grew up taking care of their dolls, feeding them, playing house, and playing school. I can remember people saying to me as a little girl, "What a good mommy you'll be." Boys don't grow up with this pervasive message of being a good daddy. How can men understand that an infertility diagnosis will change and disrupt something women think of as the very essence of being a woman?

I truly have to find a way to come to terms with this because our journey whatever it is will probably be hard enough without locking horns over our philosophical views of parenthood and self. I want to be a good partner. I don't want to grow apart or continue to get angry because MH isn't dealing with this situation how I want him to. The reality is, unfortunately, there is nothing MH can do to comfort me right now, and even if he were reacting the same way I am it probably wouldn't be enough. I think along with being an emotional slut; I am emotionally insatiable.